The benefits of helping others: A counsellor's perspective

As a counsellor, I am often asked "Can you help?" No surprises there. I believe we all need help at one time or another and it is a sign of strength to ask for help.

What surprises me is the request from clients, variously expressed, as 'Can I help?' Predominantly these requests come from pro bono clients but not exclusively. This leaves me pondering what is going on for those asking.

On some level, I feel it might be about self-validating. The wounded helper i.e. I am hurting but feel the need to be of use. It lets the person feel valued, not irreparably bad or damaged, accepted as part of the 'group' and being of use to others. 

I wonder if it is perhaps an expression of something deeper; something we feel but may not be able to express. 

When asked by a client if they can help others, i.e. volunteer at the community centre or do something that will be of use, my standard response is to offer our well-used local volunteer bureau. Strict rules prevent service users from volunteering at the community centre. I am not aware of the uptake rate on this offer but perhaps that is not the right way to evaluate the request.

Is a part of the request a tacit acknowledgement that the client has seen something in the counsellor they want to emulate? Could it perhaps be because the client feels a responsibility, that they have been given something they want to repay? Is this autonomy? Perhaps it is.

When a client asks if they can do something to help, I wonder if this is a real-life expression of the power imbalance. When in counselling, the power imbalance is very much present. As a person-centred therapist, I am trained to mitigate this imbalance but it remains. Who among us likes to feel dominated, to have lost the right to choose, to have our feelings and thoughts overridden? Perhaps asking if they can help others is a way of challenging or reprocessing this dynamic. 

Clement Attlee wrote in 1920:

Charity is a cold grey loveless thing. If a rich man wants to help the poor, he should pay his taxes gladly, not dole out money at a whim.

I have little difficulty in agreeing with this. For some recipients it is a necessary thing and thank heavens there are those in society who are able and willing to offer charity. Indeed, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you give him a net and a boat he can feed himself. 

Do I need to state the difference between those two charitable actions? Which would you prefer? Having to ask for a handout every day can fill your belly but it can inflict some serious blows to the person's psyche. Every day facing the fact that they cannot support themselves and have to rely on the help of others. Never being secure in the knowledge that they can provide for themselves and are beholden to the whim of another.

Interestingly, the Western Christian tradition has many examples of charity, tithing being one. In the Muslim world, one of the pillars of faith is Zagat which is, I feel, the expression of the same ideal e.g. give of the plenty you have, to those in need.

I can remember a real feeling of shame when I was sent to school in hand-me-down uniforms when I was a recipient of free school meals. I cannot imagine it feels any better for those who still experience this. For the parents for whom this is a necessity, I can empathise with what this does to them.

A quote something I heard that still stays with me is "Your mum is a slag and she shops at Aldi." The response was, "She does not shop at Aldi". Wow. A real expression of being seen as someone who cannot operate at the same level as their peers. No, I do not have an axe to grind about Aldi, I shop there whenever I can. The quote still smacks of being less able to me though.

So, is there a commonality in this mixture of feelings and thoughts about wanting to help others? Is there a thread of thought, consciousness, that runs through this wondering? Is it a belly button gazing distraction from me? I'd like to think not. 

Part of what makes us human is the desire to help others and be seen as useful. It is not uncommon to want to repay the help we have received. I feel it is an expression of "higher" human motivation.

Not a motivation felt, or acted upon, by everyone, I feel a way of discerning the people we live amongst. 

An old saying describes heaven as a table ladened with food and the guests have to eat with six-foot chopsticks. The selfish leave the table hungry, the compassionate, considerate and ultimately self-serving leave the table fully fed. They have fed others and, thus, have been fed by others.

A commonality is, I feel, one of difference. Some of us will instinctively think and act in a way that helps others. Some will think only of themselves. One set of people will get the rewards of being kind. Community and satisfaction that they have been able to do good.

A sense of being true to themselves or being good people perhaps. Those who think only of themselves will also get rewards. They will feel self-sufficient, triumph in their success and be satisfied that they have prevailed. They might feel they are better than the others. I know which I would prefer to be and feel.

So, when a client asks about helping or giving something back, I try not to be dismissive. I try to see the person as expressing something referred to by Abraham Maslow when he spoke about being held in good regard by his fellows. I see something in common with my own needs and wants.

What about those who do not ask and appear to not want to help others you might ask? Well, they are people as well, they too are doing what is right for them. If I were critical and judgmental, it would imply a sense of superiority. My life teaches me that I am not better or worse than anyone and thus have no right to judge.