Supporting fathers through baby loss

Every year, thousands of mothers, fathers and families face the devastating loss of a baby. According to Sands, in the UK, around 13 babies die shortly before, during, or soon after birth every day. 

For a mother, the loss of a baby is utterly overwhelming – physically, emotionally, and psychologically. There are often no words for the emptiness and grief that follow. Understandably, much of the immediate attention focuses on the mother’s medical and emotional needs. In this, a father’s grief can be overlooked.

The emotions of grief

Everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way. After baby loss, it is normal for either partner to experience a wide range of emotions:

• shock
• anger
• guilt
• helplessness
• isolation or loneliness
• changes in sexual desire (either less interest or a desire for closeness)
• anxiety
• difficulty concentrating
• relief
• low mood
• sleep difficulties
• despair
• a strong wish to try for another baby immediately, or a fear of doing so

Each partner may experience the loss in their own way and at their own pace. This can lead to misunderstandings, withdrawal, or conflict at an already painful time. If you can, talk to each other about how you’re feeling. If communication feels too difficult, seeking outside support can help – something we’ll explore later in this article.

Why men's grief is often hidden

Culturally, many men are raised to be the strong one – the fixer, the protector, the person who holds everything together. Messages like “big boys don’t cry” or “be brave” can make it harder for men to express vulnerability.

As a result, some men may:

• repress their emotions
• avoid talking about their grief
• focus on practical tasks instead of feelings
• feel pressure to stay strong for their partner

A father’s grief

After the loss of a baby, fathers are often the ones who contact family, friends and work, while also managing day‑to‑day responsibilities such as caring for other children, cooking or shopping. These tasks can be overwhelming and may leave little space for their own grief. For some, staying busy becomes a way to avoid painful emotions.

Many men may also feel helpless during miscarriage or stillbirth. Medical teams focus on the mother, and loved ones naturally rally around her. Fathers may feel pushed to the side, powerless, or as though they have failed their partner or their family.

Some fathers may feel guilt for many reasons, including:

• feeling unable to help their partner
• believing the loss was somehow their fault
• feeling they have failed in some way
• needing support themselves
• feeling overlooked when others ask only about their partner
• anxiety about trying for another baby
• relief or a desire for life to return to normal

Some men cope by returning to work quickly, using routine as a shield from grief.

Supporting fathers through baby loss

Talk to each other. You may grieve differently, but you share the loss of your baby. Talking can help you understand each other’s emotions and avoid feeling alone in your grief.

You don’t have to be the strong one. It is OK to acknowledge your pain, your sadness, your anger. This was your baby too, and you have lost the future you imagined with them.

Expect differences. You and your partner may feel different emotions at different times. This is normal. Grief is not linear.

Sex may feel different for a while. Grief can affect intimacy. For some, sex is a way to feel close. For others, it brings fear of another pregnancy or memories of trauma. Physical recovery can also affect sexual desire. Be patient with each other.

Anniversaries can be difficult. Dates such as the due date, the baby’s birthday, or the day of the loss can bring up strong emotions. You may want to mark these moments in the same way, or differently. Both are valid.

Seek support if you are struggling. If you feel overwhelmed, low, isolated or unable to cope, reach out for help. Your GP can support you, and organisations such as Tommy's, Sands, and the Miscarriage Association offer guidance and support.

Counselling specialising in bereavement and baby loss is also an option. You are not alone. Men grieve too. Your feelings matter, your loss matters, and you deserve support just as much as anyone else.