Baby loss: why fathers and partners often grieve in silence

Baby loss, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, termination for medical reasons or neonatal death, can be a devastating experience. While much of the focus understandably falls on mothers, fathers and partners can be left grieving quietly in the background.

Fathers and partners are affected by baby loss, too. However, many struggle to find the space, language or permission to talk about what they are going through.

I work as a counsellor supporting men affected by baby loss, and I am also a father who lost his son when he was seven weeks old following a diagnosis of Transposition of the Great Arteries. Through both my professional work and personal experience, I have seen how easily a father’s grief can be overlooked or minimised.

What fathers may be experiencing after baby loss

For many fathers, baby loss is not a single moment of grief but an ongoing emotional process. Alongside sadness, there may be shock, anger, guilt, helplessness or emotional numbness. Over time, this can become mentally and physically exhausting.

Research supports what many men describe in therapy. A study published in BMJ Open found that fathers whose partners experienced miscarriage reported significantly higher levels of anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress symptoms compared to men in the general population, yet were far less likely to access psychological support.¹

UK charity Sands also highlights that many fathers and partners feel overlooked in the care they receive after baby loss, with fathers frequently reporting that support is primarily directed towards mothers.² This lack of acknowledgement can deepen feelings of isolation.

Some experience persistent grief, mental fatigue and difficulties with sleep. Others notice increased anxiety or obsessive thinking. Many feel pressure to return to work quickly, to stay strong for their partner, or to keep going without letting others see how much they are struggling.

As a result, there is often little space for fathers and partners to acknowledge the depth of their loss.

How grief can show up in men

Grief does not always look the same for everyone. For many men, it may show up in ways that are less visible or harder to recognise.

This can include feeling emotionally shut down or disconnected, increased irritability or anger, anxiety or intrusive thoughts, ongoing insomnia or exhaustion, or focusing heavily on work as a way of coping. Relationships may also be affected, particularly if emotions are kept inside or communication becomes more difficult.

From my own experience, grief was not limited to sadness. It affected my mental health, energy levels and ability to rest. Many men may recognise similar patterns in themselves once these experiences are named and normalised.

Why men can feel isolated after baby loss

Many support spaces following baby loss are understandably attended mainly by women. While these spaces are essential, men may feel out of place or unsure whether their grief belongs there.

When men do not see other men speaking openly about baby loss, it can reinforce the idea that they should cope alone. Over time, this silence can increase feelings of isolation and distress. Men need spaces where their grief is recognised and taken seriously.

The impact of baby loss on relationships

Baby loss can bring couples closer, particularly in the early stages. However, as time goes on and grief unfolds differently for each partner, it can also place strain on a relationship.

One partner may want to talk while the other withdraws. One may appear to be coping while the other feels overwhelmed. Without space to process grief individually, misunderstandings and emotional distance can develop.

Having support outside the relationship can reduce pressure and allow each person to grieve in their own way.

What counselling can offer men after baby loss

Counselling offers a confidential and non-judgemental space where men do not need to be strong or hold everything together. You do not need to have the right words, and you do not need to be at breaking point.

Therapy can help men explore their grief, process traumatic experiences, understand anxiety or sleep difficulties, and make sense of changes in mood, behaviour or relationships. It can also offer a place to offload in a contained and supported way.

For some men, working with a counsellor who understands baby loss both professionally and personally can make it easier to speak openly, without fear of being misunderstood or minimised.

Will this ever feel more manageable?

In the depths of grief, it can feel impossible to imagine a way forward. Many men find that speaking with someone who has lived through baby loss and continues to live a meaningful life can offer reassurance that things can change. Support does not remove the loss, but it can help men find ways to live alongside it.

When might it be time to seek support?

Men often seek support when grief feels overwhelming or stuck, when anxiety or mental health difficulties increase, when exhaustion from holding everything together becomes too much, or when relationships begin to feel strained.

Reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness. It is an acknowledgement that the loss mattered. You are not alone, and if you are a man affected by baby loss, your grief is real and valid. Talking about it does not mean you are weak. It means you are taking your experience seriously. Support is available, and it can make a genuine difference.

References

Williams, H.M. et al. (2020). Psychological impact of miscarriage on fathers: a prospective cohort study. BMJ Open. Full article: https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/10/12/e039898

Sands (Stillbirth & Neonatal Death Charity). Information and research on fathers and partners following baby loss. https://www.sands.org.uk/professionals/research/research-fathers-and-partners