Baby loss

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Understanding baby loss

What is infant/baby loss?

Baby loss is defined differently around the world, but the NHS refers to the following:

• Miscarriage or late foetal loss - when a baby dies before 24 weeks of completed pregnancy. 
• Stillbirth - when a baby is born dead after 24 weeks of completed pregnancy or during birth.

A neonatal death is when a baby dies within 28 days of being born. 

How common is baby loss?

Research by baby loss charity Sands identified that in 2021, approximately one in every 243 births in the UK was a stillbirth. In the same year, there may have been over 100,000 miscarriages in England, however, this statistic remains uncertain as many miscarriages are not reported. 2021 also saw one neonatal death for every 347 births in the UK. 

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How to cope with the loss of a baby

Finding out that your baby has passed away is one of the most difficult and traumatic things anyone may go through. Remember that no two people will grieve the same and the experience will be different for everybody.

You may feel shocked, angry, overwhelmed and isolated. You might notice that you are more confused and find it difficult to make decisions. Guilt can also come to the surface, particularly if you don’t know why your baby has died. It’s also normal for things to feel calm and quiet at times. The most important thing you can do is acknowledge your feelings and seek support in ways that are most helpful to you.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve following the death of a child. Grief cannot be made to 'go away' and it may take some time to accept your loss. Some people use the analogy of carrying a rock when talking about grief. It’s with you everywhere you go – you always notice it – but over time, it begins to feel less heavy. As time goes on, you may find that you think about your child less often, and this is also OK. 

Below are some things that may help you cope after the loss of a baby:

• Write your feelings down in a journal. 
• Talk to others about how you’re feeling. 
• Try to get outdoors and get some fresh air. 
• Have a short list of achievable things to do every day, no matter how small. 
• Take care of your body to help heal from the physical effects of birth. 

The importance of counselling for baby loss

For some people, talking to someone outside of their support system, such as a counsellor who is professionally trained, can be incredibly helpful. Whilst many people who have experienced the loss of an infant or pregnancy may have close friends and family around them, sometimes it can be even harder to talk about grief with those closest to us. Talking to a therapist can help you understand your feelings and learn healthy ways to be better able to cope and grieve the loss of your baby. 

“Support in the form of counselling and psychotherapy can also help individuals feel less alone in their experiences. The isolation that often accompanies pregnancy and infant loss can be profound, as friends, family, and even well-meaning individuals may struggle to understand the depth of the pain.”

Lyndsey Adderley (MBACP) - ‘9 ways therapy can support experiences of pregnancy & infant loss’

Types of counselling available for infancy and pregnancy loss

There are a number of different types of talking therapy available to bereaved parents and families. Some of the most common include:

• Bereavement/grief counselling: Bereavement or grief counselling looks specifically at how parents can work through the various stages of their grief to get to a point – however long this takes – where they are able to better function day-to-day. 
• Family therapy: This type of therapy may be recommended particularly if the parents who have lost a baby have other children. Family therapy can help understand the impact that the infant or pregnancy loss has had on the wider familial unit and works to help improve communication between members and help them function together. 
• Couples therapy: Couples therapy helps resolve issues within an intimate relationship. Following the loss of a baby, this type of therapy can help parents navigate their grief together and maintain an emotional connection. Pregnancy or infancy loss can put a strain on relationships. Couples counselling supports parents struggling with issues such as intimacy or communication problems after baby loss.
• Group therapy: Many bereaved parents find group therapy helpful, especially if the thought of one-to-one counselling feels a little daunting. Many people take some comfort from the sharing of other’s experiences and it helps bereaved parents recognise that they are not alone. 

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What causes baby loss?

Pregnancy and infancy loss can happen for a number of reasons such as infection, problems with the placenta or chronic health conditions. Often, however, the cause may not be identified. 

Miscarriage 

Miscarriage is the most common kind of pregnancy loss. This is when a baby, foetus or embryo dies up to 23 weeks and six days of pregnancy. Some people may never know why they miscarried, which can make it even harder to process. Having a miscarriage can be physically and emotionally draining. It’s very normal to experience a range of emotions, from shock to guilt and anger. 

Find out more about the support available for miscarriage.

Do you have a funeral for a miscarried baby?

When a baby dies before 24 weeks of pregnancy, there is no legal requirement to register the miscarriage. However, there may be an option to have a burial or shared cremation at the hospital. You may be able to arrange this privately with some funeral directors if you prefer. Some people may be also able to receive a certificate of loss in memory of their baby.

Find out more about requesting a baby loss certificate on GOV.UK. 

Stillbirth 

A baby that dies after 24 weeks of pregnancy and before or during birth is known as a stillbirth. Many people give birth to a baby that has died between 12 and 24 weeks and, understandably, may wish to refer to this as a stillbirth. A stillbirth is one of the most devastating things someone can go through. 

What happens if an unborn baby dies? 

If your baby has died (which is usually confirmed with an ultrasound), you are generally able to wait for labour to begin naturally or you may be induced. Vaginal birth is considered to be safer than a caesarean section, so this is likely to be what is recommended. Of course, the birthing person’s options will be based on their individual circumstances. 

It is the mother/birthing person’s choice as to how they give birth but, naturally, the decisions made will be incredibly difficult. It can therefore be helpful to talk things through with another person, such as a family member, friend or partner, as well as doctors and midwives. Know that, unless there is a risk to the carrier which might mean the baby needs to be delivered quickly, your decisions do not have to be immediate and you can change your mind.

What happens after a stillbirth? 

What people do after a stillbirth is entirely their choice. Some may wish to hold their baby, take photos and collect mementoes. They may also want to give their baby a name. Others may prefer to hold their baby’s hands and feet whilst the rest of their body is covered. A midwife can also take the baby and wrap them up so the parents can view them when they feel ready. Some may not wish to see the baby at all. 

If you lose a baby after 24 weeks of pregnancy, their body must be buried or cremated. It is up to you whether you wish to hold a funeral service. This can be done at the hospital or through a funeral director. For some people, holding a service for their baby can help them begin to process their grief. 

After birth, you may experience bleeding, cramping and soreness which can last up to six weeks. You may also begin to produce breast milk which some people find distressing. If this is the case, you may be offered medicines to stop your breasts from producing milk. Your healthcare team will closely support you during this time.

Neonatal death 

A neonatal death is when a baby dies within 28 days of being born. Some causes of neonatal death include:

• premature birth 
• congenital anomalies ('birth defect')
• infections  
• complications after birth 

Sometimes, there may be a post-mortem and an inquest into why your baby has died. Following registering their birth and death, you may choose to hold a burial or cremation service. 

Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)

Sudden infant death syndrome (sometimes known as 'cot death') is the sudden, unexplained, death of an otherwise healthy baby. SIDS is very rare and although the exact cause is unknown, there are thought to be a combination of factors which may increase the risk such as:

• the baby being premature or having a low birth weight
• the pregnant person being a smoker
• problems with the baby regulating their heart rate, breathing and temperature

What happens if my baby dies suddenly and unexpectedly? 

If your child dies suddenly, an investigation will be carried out to try and find out how and why they died. Professionals will work closely with you and your family to ensure you are supported and are getting the help you need. 

Termination for medical reasons (TFMR)

A termination or baby loss for medical reasons (TFMR) may be offered if your baby is not developing as expected or there is a risk to your life or the baby’s life. Ending a pregnancy for medical reasons is an incredibly difficult decision that only you can make. For many people who have ended a pregnancy due to medical reasons, the guilt that can often be felt makes the decision even harder.

Your healthcare team will give you as much information as needed about your or the baby’s diagnosis and what this might mean. Sometimes, a diagnosis may mean that the baby is unlikely to live long after birth. Again, it is your choice as to whether you continue with the pregnancy. Be aware that the laws around termination are much stricter after 24 weeks, so decisions may have to be made quicker if you are approaching this point in pregnancy. 

Ectopic pregnancy 

An ectopic pregnancy is when a fertilised egg implants itself outside of the uterus, usually in a fallopian tube. A fertilised egg cannot grow anywhere other than the uterus meaning it won’t develop into a baby and can put the health of the pregnant person at risk. Unfortunately, the embryo cannot be saved so treatment is needed to remove it. 

Molar pregnancy

A molar pregnancy occurs when there is a problem with a fertilised egg, meaning the baby and placenta don’t develop the way they should. Molar pregnancies happen when sperm fertilises an egg that doesn’t contain any genetic material. They are very rare. Molar pregnancies may end on their own with a miscarriage, or they might need to be removed. 

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Pregnancy after loss 

For parents who become pregnant after losing a baby, it’s normal to be faced with a mixture of emotions. Happiness may be clouded by feelings of anxiousness and grief as you remember your past experiences. If a pregnancy or infant loss followed complications, your pregnancy will likely be categorised as 'high risk' and you will be more closely monitored by healthcare professionals. Sands’ 'Another pregnancy?' booklet contains information and advice for those thinking about trying for another baby after experiencing a late miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. 

Can we try for another baby after a loss?

Losing a baby can put pressure on the relationship. It can take time for both partners to feel physically and emotionally ready to have sex again or try for another baby. Talking about your worries and concerns, together or alongside a counsellor, can help. There is no 'right time' to try for another baby.

If you have experienced a miscarriage, it is possible to get pregnant within two weeks of the pregnancy loss. If you have had surgery or given birth, it’s advisable to wait until you have physically recovered before trying again. Your healthcare team at the hospital and GP will be able to offer their advice if you have any concerns about trying for another baby. 

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Frequently asked questions

What can I say to someone who lost their baby?

Sometimes, a simple “I’m sorry” is all that is needed. Many parents who have lost a baby take comfort in knowing that there are people around them to talk to if and when they feel they need support. It’s best to avoid rationalising what has happened. Try phrases such as "We’re thinking of you and your family." Avoid potentially harmful or triggering comments such as "You can always try for another."

Some people may avoid bringing up the baby in conversation for fear of causing more upset. In fact, many people who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss still wish to talk about their baby. Ask the parent(s) if they would like to talk about them and use the baby’s name if they have one. 

Following the loss of a baby, it can be helpful to offer to help around the home. You may wish to cook meals, tidy the house or help with childcare, for example. 

Is it normal to feel a range of emotions after losing a baby?

Yes. Everyone reacts differently to pregnancy loss. It will take as long as it takes for you to be able to come to terms with your experience. It’s very normal to feel a range of emotions from shock, sadness, anger, confusion, relief and loneliness. 

How can I support my partner after a baby loss?

It is normal for relationships to be affected after the loss of a baby. The most important thing you can do is be open and honest about your feelings and needs with one another. Remember to be kind and patient. Although you have both experienced the same loss, you’ll likely be grieving in different ways. Sometimes, partners may experience delayed grief as they try to support the person who was pregnant in the early stages. Be sure not to burn yourself out and take up any offers of help. 

What support is available for parents experiencing baby loss?

You will usually qualify for maternity and paternity leave and pay if your child dies after 24 weeks of pregnancy or dies after being born. You may also be able to receive child benefits if a newborn baby dies. You can find out more about ​​parental bereavement leave and statutory parental bereavement pay on the government website. 

How can I commemorate my baby?

There are a number of ways you can remember your baby. Below are some examples. 

• Write down your feelings in a journal. 
• Write letters to your baby. 
• Create a memory box with a lock of hair, scan pictures, a hospital blanket, and any photos you might have.
• Write an entry in a book of remembrance. 
• Light a candle for your baby on anniversaries or events such as baby loss awareness week. 
• Name a star after your baby. 
• Buy a memorable piece of jewellery. 
• Fundraise for a charity. 
• Plant a tree or flowers.  

Will the pain of losing my baby ever go away?

You may never 'get over' the loss of your baby but as time passes, you will learn how to cope with daily life without them there. It takes time to heal, and whilst the pain may resurface from time to time, it will gradually become a little easier to manage your grief. 

Working with a qualified counsellor or therapist can help you process this painful experience, whether you are recently bereaved or you're still finding it hard to cope as time goes on. 

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Useful resources

• There are numerous books available which can support recently bereaved parents, such as ‘Ask Me His Name’ by Elle Wright. 
• ‘There’s a rainbow baby in my Mummy’s tummy’ by Dr Kara Davey helps children understand pregnancy following a previous loss. 
• Tommy’s provides baby loss information and support.
• The Lullaby Trust offers bereavement support for anyone affected by the sudden death of a baby.
• The Miscarriage Association supports people affected by miscarriage, molar pregnancy or ectopic pregnancy.
• Sands supports people who have been affected by the death of a baby.