Normal behaviour vs warnings in Teens

There are a lot of assumptions out there about what 'typical' teenage behaviour looks like – cue Harry Enfield's Kevin the Teenager yelling "That is so unfair!" and slamming doors. It might have seemed funny before you had teenagers of your own, but now it can feel uncomfortably accurate.

Mood swings, boundary-pushing and their growing need for independence are all part of adolescent development. It's also common for teens to gravitate more toward their peers and pull away from family, or to experience changes in sleep patterns and emotions as their brains continue to develop.

But how do you tell the difference between what's normal and what might be a sign of something more serious? 

What does 'typical' teenage behaviour look like? 

While, of course, individuals vary, some key similarities in behaviour show up in teens and tweens. Although some of these can be challenging for parents to contend with, it can also be comforting to recognise that these challenges are just part of living with an adolescent child. 

• Mood swings: Teenagers often experience a rollercoaster of emotions. One moment, they may be filled with laughter and excitement, and the next, they're irritable, frustrated or in tears, often without an apparent reason that you can see.
• Changes to sleep patterns: Biological shifts mean your teen is staying up late, sleeping in, and finding it trickier to get going in the mornings.
  Push for independence: Adolescence is all about finding independence. Teens do this by testing rules, pushing boundaries, questioning authority, and wanting more privacy.
• Focus on peers: During this stage, teens often prioritise friendships and their social lives over family time as they seek to establish their 'tribe.'
  Identity exploration: Many teenagers experiment with different looks, interests, and opinions as they try to work out who they are.
• Risk-taking: Some (gentle, not outwardly dangerous) experimentation and limit pushing, which is their way of learning about boundaries.
  Self-consciousness: Teenagers can be particularly sensitive about their appearance and the need to fit in with their peers.

So how do you know when it might be more than “just being a teen”? Here are some warning signs to be aware of that suggest it could be time to seek extra help.

When to be concerned: Key warning signs

• Duration and intensity: Are the behaviours lasting for more than a couple of weeks, and are they having a noticeable impact on your teen's daily life, like their sleep, schoolwork, friendships, or ability to enjoy things they usually like?
• Withdrawal: Are they completely isolating themselves, not only from you but from their friends? We all need some space at times (particularly during adolescence), but this is more severe. 
• Changes in functioning: Have you noticed a drop in their performance at school, changes in their hygiene, appetite, or unusual sleep patterns, like sleeping excessively or struggling to fall asleep, that go beyond typical teen tiredness?
• Risk-taking: A certain amount of risk-taking is absolutely to be expected with teenagers, but does this involve harmful behaviours like substance use, self-harm, or unsafe sex?
• Hopelessness: Are they expressing feelings of worthlessness, crying frequently, or talking about not wanting to be here? Any mention of not wanting to be here should always be taken seriously.

Why trusting your instincts matters

Whether you are noticing any of the above red flags or not, trust your gut instincts. This can be challenging when you have a lot on your plate and can be exacerbated by social media posts offering mental health advice to parents. Know that you know your child best, even if they're pulling away. If something feels "off" or different from your teen's usual behaviour, don't dismiss it.

6 ways to talk to your tween or teen about their feelings

1. Start with gentle observations: Notice what's changed and name it without judgment: "I've noticed you seem down lately – what's going on?" or "You've been quieter than usual. How are things?". Let them know they're not in trouble and that you want to support them.
2. Keep calm and open: Teens pick up on your tone. Staying open and non-judgmental helps them feel safe enough to share their thoughts and feelings.
3. Use open-ended questions: Try prompts like "What was the best part of your day?" and "What was the least best part of your day?" rather than yes/no questions. This way, you're creating space for conversation.
4. Choose the setting: Conversations often feel easier when you're side by side, rather than sitting face-to-face. You can have great chats while driving or walking.
5. Validate their feelings: Even small disclosures count. A simple "That sounds tough. Thanks for telling me" shows that you're listening and are taking their feelings seriously.
6. Give them a choice: Ask, "Would you like me just to listen, or to listen and then help come up with some ideas for how to handle it?" This hands them some control in the conversation.

Think of these as part of an ongoing conversation rather than a one-off, intense discussion. Your child might not open up initially, but they will have heard and felt your concern. Give them time to let what's been said settle. And remember to look after yourself here, too. These conversations are easier when you are feeling grounded, calm and prepared. 

Don't wait for a crisis to get help

It's OK to seek help early. Counselling isn't just for when things have reached a crisis point; it can also be preventative, not just reactive. And don't underestimate the power of getting support for yourself. Talking to a counsellor can help you think through your concerns and find the best way to respond.

Where to find support for you and your teen

Parenting a teenager can be challenging, and it's important to know that you don't have to manage everything on your own. Support is available for both your teen and for you, and seeking help early can make a real difference.

• School is often the first place to start. Many schools have pastoral leads or counselling services that can provide initial check-ins, suggest potential adjustments within the school, and make referrals to other services if necessary.
• Your GP can assess whether there are any underlying health issues and, if appropriate, refer your teen to specialist mental health services such as CAMHS. 
• Counselling can provide your child and you with support. For young people, it provides a safe and confidential space to discuss worries outside the family. Counselling for parents is an opportunity for you to talk through your fears, explore practical strategies, and feel more confident in supporting your teen.
• Peer support groups are another option for both parents and teens. These can be in-person or online. When you recognise that others are in similar situations, you feel less isolated and you can share practical coping strategies.

You could encourage your teenager to access these supports themselves, or you can help them reach out. Sometimes, simply letting them know what support is available gives them a sense of agency, allowing them to decide what feels right for them.

If your child is reluctant to engage (and this is not unusual in this age group), getting support for yourself can still have a positive impact. You're showing your child that it's ok to seek help and that they don't have to manage complicated feelings alone.

Parenting a teen isn't easy, but you don't have to do it alone. Taking steps to access support, such as through your school, GP, counselling, or peer and online resources, can help both you and your teen navigate this stage.