The weight on her shoulders

Adolescence can be a challenging time for young people, and in this article, we will focus particularly on young girls. The transition from childhood to the teenage years brings emotional, physical, and social changes, along with increasing academic pressure and expectations.

Mental health difficulties amongst young people are increasingly recognised as a very important issue. The NHS Mental Health of Children and Young People in England 2023 report highlighted the prevalence of mental health difficulties, with anxiety being particularly common.

For parents and caregivers, recognising the signs can sometimes be difficult. Anxiety does not always present itself as a young person openly stating, “I’m feeling anxious”. It can show itself through physical symptoms, withdrawal, changes in behaviour, becoming more self-conscious, losing belief in their ability, difficulty attending school or feeling unable to cope in certain environments.

Sometimes it can show up as a tummy ache, reluctance or refusal to go to school, or a sudden desire to spend more time alone. Sometimes it can simply look like a change in the child we thought we knew.

Why can adolescence feel so overwhelming for girls?

Young girls face many pressures during this stage. School exams like GCSEs can bring their own worries and stress, and for some children the pressure to perform and achieve can feel overwhelming. Changes in friendships, relationship expectations, hormones, alongside feelings of loss (including their own sense of identity) or perhaps even the loss of a previous school life can have an impact as they transition from a young child to a teenage girl.

For some, they might be more aware of how others perceive them, becoming more self-conscious and seeking acceptance and validation from peers. The virtual world of social media can create another layer of comparison and expectation. It is important not to assume that one single factor can be the cause of young girls experiencing anxiety; anxiety can develop for many different reasons, and sometimes there is no single obvious cause.

This can be difficult for parents because we naturally want to understand what is happening and, more importantly, make it better for our children. But maybe one of the hardest things for a parent or caregiver to accept is that sometimes there isn’t an immediate answer or a simple solution.

Recognising the signs

It's important to listen when a young girl tells us something doesn’t feel right, even if she doesn't have the words to explain exactly what it is. Physical symptoms can sometimes be a manifestation of emotional distress. Common ones can be a recurring tummy ache, developing feelings of claustrophobia, being unable to stay calm and regulated in a classroom, refusing to go to school or becoming increasingly withdrawn, which can all be signs that something needs exploring further.

This does not mean that physical symptoms should be automatically classed as anxiety. Medical issues should always be ruled out first by seeking appropriate medical advice as the first port of call. Once physical causes have been considered, it can also be helpful to be more curious about what might be happening emotionally.

The weight parents carry

Another part of this conversation is often overlooked: the impact on parents when their child is struggling. Parents can experience their own anxiety, fear and helplessness. We may question whether we’ve done something wrong, comparing ourselves to other parents. We may even wonder whether we should have noticed something sooner and ask ourselves, how could we have missed this? There can be an enormous pressure to be the perfect parent.

Winnicott’s idea of the "good enough mother” can offer some comfort. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Yet when it’s our own child who is struggling, that understanding can become much harder to hold on to. We can find ourselves over-analysing everything and asking ourselves: Have I failed my child? Could I have done something differently? Am I a bad parent? Should I have seen this coming? Am I doing enough?

For some parents, this can become another weight to carry alongside the worry for their child. Maybe part of supporting our young children also means learning to be more compassionate with ourselves.

A case study: one mother’s experience

The following case study is based on the experience of a mother whose 15-year-old teenage daughter began experiencing difficulties during her GCSE years. Details have been presented anonymously.

The change was slow but unexpected; her daughter had always been a great kid who loved books and simple things in life. She enjoyed curling up to watch a film and still watched animation. She was not particularly interested in social media and had made a joint decision with her mother not to download any apps, although she did use WhatsApp. Her mother therefore assumed the virtual world had not really appealed to her daughter or influenced her.

Then things began to change. Her daughter started working in her room straight after school. Initially, her mother was impressed, thinking how diligent she was and how seriously she was taking her education. It was a huge shift from the days when she had reminded her to do her homework before sitting down to watch her favourite TV series. Gradually, the change became more noticeable.

Her daughter was becoming more self-conscious, losing belief in her ability, and she began experiencing regular tummy aches and at times refused to go to school. Her mother couldn’t understand, as her daughter loved school. When her daughter began describing feelings of claustrophobia in her class, her mother knew something was going on, yet knowing and accepting can be two very different things.

Despite her instincts, she sought medical advice, and after countless visits to doctors and consultants, no one could offer a conclusive diagnosis. Something was very wrong, but there was no physical diagnosis that could be treated with medication. The mother began to question everything.

The mother found herself riding on this emotional roller coaster alongside her daughter. Something else became apparent: the mother had spent so much time thinking about the kind of parent she wanted to be. She wanted desperately to break the pattern from her own childhood, to be the parent who listens and understands, giving her child the strength and autonomy to become her whole authentic self. Perhaps there was another way of looking at this?

Our children don’t necessarily do as they’re told, and they shouldn’t, as they’re developing their own identities and opinions, but they will do as they see. What behaviour was she subconsciously displaying to her daughter?

So, what can we do?

There is no single solution to anxiety, and every child is different; however, parents and caregivers can consider the following.

Listen before trying to fix

Sometimes what’s needed is a space to be heard rather than an immediate solution. By creating space, you don't need to remove every uncomfortable feeling immediately. Learning that difficult emotions can be experienced and tolerated can be an important part of emotional development. Understanding that we all experience good and bad things is completely normal

Stay curious

Another helpful tip is to stay curious. Keep communication open and judgement-free. For a young person who is struggling with anxiety, knowing that they are not alone and that their feelings can be spoken about (rather than hidden) is the first step in the right direction.

Name emotions when you feel them

Naming emotions is a valuable tool, and it shouldn't be underestimated. Being able to sit with uncomfortable feelings and recognise that we all experience them can be invaluable. A useful tool like an emotional dictionary (such as The Book of Human Emotions by Tiffany Watt Smith) can give you and your child the vocabulary around the emotion. By naming and labelling it, you step back from the emotion and become an observer.

Keep communication open

Children may not always be ready to talk when we are, so creating a safe space means allowing them to return to the conversation when they’re ready.

Look after yourself

The anxiety of a parent can grow alongside a child’s anxiety. It is important to recognise that supporting a child doesn't mean carrying everything alone, and if concerns persist, seek professional support. This may come from a GP, school counsellor, or other appropriate professionals who can help parents better understand what might be happening beyond the surface.

Lightening the load

As parents and caregivers, we can carry an invisible weight: the pressure to be the perfect parent, break cycles, protect our children, and give them everything we may not have had ourselves. Perhaps what we really need to do is start unpacking some of that weight.

We cannot remove every difficulty our child will face, and we cannot fix every feeling or protect them from every uncomfortable experience. However, we can listen and commit to staying curious. We can encourage a space and dialogue that allows them to sit with difficult emotions rather than running from them, and in doing so we can teach them something far more valuable than simply how to cope.

Girls do as they see, so these changes start with us. We need to start unpacking and lightening the load we carry, to liberate us too, and perhaps that is what our girls need to see from us.