Lost in translation: Assimilation, and the right to be fully seen

Listening to an old episode of This Cultural Life, I was struck by something Whoopi Goldberg shared - something that’s stayed with me. She described performing a satirical sketch for Steven Spielberg: a reimagining of E.T. where the alien doesn’t land in suburbia but in the projects of New York. 

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There, E.T. is kidnapped by local kids and dressed as a pimp in order to survive and blend in. When his alien family finally returns, he no longer recognises them - and, tragically, guns them down. He’s assimilated so deeply, he’s lost all sense of where he came from.

That sketch wasn’t just comedy - rather, a reflection of what happens when people are forced to change themselves in order to belong. And it’s a story I hear every week in the therapy room.

Clients who fabricate stories of travel to feel worthy in social spaces. LGBTQ+ individuals who edit their language, pronouns, or gestures to stay under the radar at work. Families who change surnames to sidestep racial or religious scrutiny. These are not betrayals of identity - they are acts of survival in a world that often punishes difference.

One colleague with Jewish heritage once shared that their family name had been anglicised decades ago to avoid antisemitism. A name rich in lineage was quietly shed to ensure safety. And I remember when I started out as a journalist at the BBC in the 1990s and was told my Northern Irish accent might be “too hard to understand.” Assimilation reminds me of Brian Friel’s play Translations, where Irish place names are replaced by English ones - a colonial act that erases not just geography, but meaning, identity, and memory.

Assimilation can be overt, but it’s more often subtle. A name shortened to avoid questions. An accent softened in professional settings. Choosing not to correct someone, for fear of being seen as “difficult.” These choices might seem small, but over time, they shape how safe we feel about being real.


What does assimilation feel like?

Imagine a client with ADHD traits being told to “stop overthinking” after asking clarifying questions - when they were simply trying to succeed. Or a dyslexic client who brings hand-written notes to therapy each week, needing time and space to gather their thoughts. Or another who needs information presented visually to make sense of it - but when they ask for this, they can be met with confusion or resistance. These are all real experiences I've heard in my therapy room.

A young person shared how they were scolded for hiding behind a curtain during a loud school performance - overwhelmed, overstimulated - and then publicly humiliated for “over-apologising" by their teacher. Another, experiencing chest pain related to anxiety, was told they were a hypochondriac and “overreacting.” One client shared how they were attacked in a team meeting simply for asking a manager to clarify expectations.

These moments teach us to camouflage. To question our needs. To hide behind the curtain. That’s assimilation - when we start living in translation, rewriting ourselves for the sake of acceptance.

And it’s utterly exhausting.


So, how can therapy help?

Therapy can offer something radically different: a space where you don’t have to explain yourself from scratch every time. Where your sensitivity, your questions, your communication style, your pauses, your pacing, your accent, your silence - are not only allowed, but taken seriously.

Here’s what that might include:

  • Being authentic safely, with choice and agency.
  • Validating your experience, especially when it’s been dismissed.
  • Exploring sensory, emotional, or communication needs - without shame.
  • Reclaiming language, identity, and boundaries without apology.
  • Supporting self-advocacy at work, home, or in relationships. Practising out loud what you might say so that you feel clear and confident.
  • Recognising inner resources - the strategies you've already used to survive.
  • One client put it plainly: “I just want to be able to work from home when I’m overwhelmed - without having to explain from scratch every single time.” This isn’t a special request. It’s a reasonable adjustment. And therapy can support people to name and ask for what they need, not with apology, but with self-trust.

What sessions might feel like

There’s no single way to sit, speak, or begin. Some people need silence. Others need to fidget, curl up, move around, or bring pre-written notes. That’s all welcome in therapy. Many therapeutic spaces will set the scene and help you to ground your senses. For example, I use soft, low lighting, leafy plants, and textures. I also provide fluffy blankets, smooth stones and stim toys.

Therapy here doesn’t begin with interrogation. Sometimes we use drawings, metaphors, visual cards, or simply talk about a “day in the life.” For clients who struggle with traditional assessments, I adapt: using visual scales, bullet points, or voice notes instead of dense paperwork.

In therapy, you might be asked exploratory questions, like:

  • What do you notice in your body when you talk about that?
  • Do you ever feel like you're performing? How do you know?
  • What would support have looked like in that moment instead?
  • What’s helped you cope in the past, even in small ways?
  • If there were no rules - what would you need right now?
  • What do you wish people understood about how your mind works?
  • These aren’t diagnostic tools. They’re invitations to return to the identity that got lost somewhere along the way.

What approaches might help?

There’s no one-size-fits-all, but some approaches tend to support this kind of work:

  • Humanistic therapy: Empathy, presence, and your own self-knowledge are at the centre.
  • Integrative therapy: Blending different tools - creative, relational, body-based, or narrative - to match your needs.
  • Narrative therapy: Exploring and rewriting the stories society (or family, or school) told you about yourself and choosing a different path forward.
  • Somatic/sensorimotor work: Reconnecting with your body if masking and stress have led to dissociation.
  • Existential therapy: For exploring questions of identity, freedom, belonging, and meaning.

But more important than any approach is the relationship. A therapist who is responsive, nonjudgmental, and willing to learn from you - especially if you’ve been dismissed or pathologised in the past - can be life-changing.


One final thought

Challenging assimilation isn’t about rebellion. It’s about remembering that you were never too much, or not good enough - you were simply misunderstood and you do things differently.

Therapy can be the space where you begin to recognise yourself again. Where you unmask without fear. Where your needs, quirks, sensitivities, and instincts are met not with suspicion or judgment, but with warmth and curiosity. Where you stop translating and assimilating, and start being.

In that process, you don’t just heal from past transgressions and demanded rewrites. You begin to shape a life that fits you - on your terms. 

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This article was written with AI-assisted technologies and has been reviewed and edited with human oversight, in accordance with our AI policy.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Counselling Directory. Articles are reviewed by our editorial team and offer professionals a space to share their ideas with respect and care.

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London, Hertfordshire, EN5 1BE
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Written by Jenny Southall
Anxiety | Couple Communication | ADHD/ASD Support
location_on London, Hertfordshire, EN5 1BE
Jenny is a psychotherapist, supervisor and trainer with 25 years experience helping adults with ADHD/ASC, couples and young people improve connection. I am currently running a workshop for trainee and newly-qualified therapists setting up in private practice: https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:7328791455324381184/
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