3 ways to gain a different perspective

A big part of counselling's role is helping people gain new insights and fresh perspectives, and clients are often surprised by how quickly they can see things once they start looking at a problem objectively rather than emotionally.

When we are in the midst of a difficult situation, we can easily forget that there is more than one way to view what is happening. Here are three ways you can begin to think differently and shift your perspective on current life challenges.

1. Identify fact from fiction

We often get drawn into our thoughts and feelings. When we experience strong emotions, it is very easy to fill in the blanks or make assumptions, which we then mistake for facts.

Take Jenny, for example. She felt her mother-in-law hated her because of a couple of comments made about her clothes. Jenny’s internal narrative quickly became: "My mother-in-law hates me; she's probably laughing with her friends about the way I dress." This thought distressed Jenny, leading her to avoid her mother-in-law altogether.

During counselling, Jenny examined what was factual versus what was fiction. She realised the comments had only occurred twice and were isolated incidents. When looking at the full picture, she remembered her mother-in-law often complimented her creativity and artistic skills. While the comments still hurt, Jenny decided she would speak directly to her mother-in-law if it happened again. By separating fact from fiction, Jenny moved past her assumptions and made a clear decision on how to build a healthier relationship.

When you find yourself in a similar situation, pause and ask yourself:

• How am I feeling right now?
• What parts of this situation do I know to be 100% true?
• What parts are assumptions I've made about how others think or feel?

2. Observe your thoughts objectively

We can observe our thoughts objectively when we step back and allow intense emotions to pass. Unprocessed emotion often keeps us trapped, causing the same negative thoughts to repeat on a continuous loop.

This was the case for Pete, who felt intense anger towards his best friend for dating someone he felt was unsuitable. In therapy, Pete explored his frustration that this new partner didn't share the group's interests. As he began naming his underlying emotions, Pete realised he actually felt lonely and worried that his friend might move on. Beneath the anger was a fear that he himself was boring or uninteresting.

A practical way to look at your thoughts objectively is to name and write them down using simple statements, such as "I am feeling jealous" or "I am feeling lonely". Putting your feelings on paper allows the initial intensity to diffuse, helping you look at the situation in a more well-rounded way. Exploring these thoughts over with a counsellor or trusted friend can also offer significant clarity.

Next time your thoughts feel overwhelming, try asking yourself:

• What exact emotion am I feeling right now?
• What thoughts are attached to this emotion?
• If I could choose a more neutral response, what would it be?

3. Use your soft voice and treat yourself like a friend

When we use our internal voice to process our thoughts, we often adopt a harsh, critical tone. A common question asked in the counselling room is: "Would you ever talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself?" There is often a lot of uncomfortable fidgeting before a client admits that they speak to themselves quite harshly.

Remi frequently used harsh self-talk when making mistakes. After forgetting a small task like putting the bins out, Remi's internal voice would say: "I'm so stupid, I always mess everything up." By repeating this, Remi began to internalise the harsh criticism and believe it was true.

In counselling, Remi practised adopting a softer internal voice, reminding themselves that everyone makes mistakes. Remi then shifted focus to practical solutions, such as setting phone reminders.

Pay attention to the voice you use with yourself. Is it sharp and critical, or supportive and soft? Whenever you catch yourself being overly self-critical, pause and ask whether you would ever speak to a loved one in that same tone.

When we are in the midst of a difficult situation, we can often forget there is more than one way to look at things. Removing yourself from the heat of intense emotion gives you the space needed to gain a healthier, balanced perspective. What small step can you take today to step back, name your feelings, and treat yourself with a little more kindness?