Lazy or needing a break? Understanding your teen's behaviour

Exam season is over, and school has finished for the year. You’re looking forward to some quality time together with your teenager, in between hanging out with their friends and going out to their summer job; perhaps they’ll even give you a hand around the house.

They, however, seem perfectly content to spend hours in bed, scrolling on their phones, gaming, or doing very little at all. This was not the plan, you think to yourself, frustrated at how lazy they are being.

Are they really being lazy, or might something else be going on?

There is a distinction between laziness and low motivation. Laziness suggests someone simply can’t be bothered, and it’s actually often used to describe behaviour we just don’t understand. So, before assuming your teen is being lazy, it can help to think about what might be driving this behaviour.

Of course, some young people do need encouragement and boundaries around responsibilities, but understanding the reasons behind their behaviour can help us respond more effectively.

In reality, motivation is influenced by many factors, including stress, energy levels, mood, and whether a task feels meaningful.

They may be recovering from a demanding year

We can look back on our own teen years and see them as pretty carefree compared to our adult life, but our teenagers are facing more pressures than you might realise: exams and revision, academic expectations, extracurricular commitments. Add in social pressures, amplified by social media and anxiety about their results and the future, and you can see they have been carrying a lot.

And although exams may be over, it doesn’t mean that their stress will disappear immediately, allowing them to bounce back straight away. For some young people, summer is the first opportunity they've had to slow down and process everything that's happened over the past year. If you think about a particularly busy time you’ve faced at work, for example, and how taking time out afterwards was much needed.

The loss of structure can be difficult

Even though they might like to complain about it, teenagers usually benefit from routine. School provides children and young people with a much-needed built-in structure, which can be especially important for neurodivergent teens, who often benefit from predictability and routine.

Creating a routine on their own without this structure is challenging for most tweens and teens, and when days suddenly become unstructured over summer, they can struggle.

You might see:

• staying in bed longer
• difficulty getting started
• endless scrolling
• boredom

This isn’t necessarily a lack of motivation; sometimes it's a lack of direction.

Motivation isn’t something we simply have or don’t have

It’s a common misconception that motivation comes first and action follows. In reality, it’s often small actions that create motivation. Waiting for motivation to strike can leave us feeling stuck. For example, getting up and going for a walk, connecting with a friend, either in person or online or doing one small household task are small actions that can create momentum.

Helping your teen (without constant nagging)

While you might be frustrated by their lack of movement, keeping on at them isn't going to go well. Keep your expectations realistic, remembering that summer is a time for both rest and activity. Some movement is better than none at all; the reality is that not every day will be or has to be productive.

Agree on some responsibilities

This doesn’t mean that you have to accept no input from them at all. Have a chat with them about what they think might be reasonable as part of being a member of the household. These don’t have to be big; walking the dog, helping around the house and keeping their room reasonably tidy.

Remember that it helps to be specific here; for example, what does "reasonably tidy" mean? It could be making sure their laundry makes it to the basket and that any dirty plates, cutlery, and cups are taken to the kitchen every day. You’ll know what is achievable here; it’s just to get them to contribute without it becoming a source of ongoing conflict.

Help them with structure

You can encourage structure by:

• having a regular wake-up time
• planning a few activities each week
• balancing screen time with other activities

Keep curious

Having a curious mindset can really help your communication with your teen. For example, instead of telling them “You’re so lazy”, try “I’ve noticed you seem less motivated lately. How are you feeling?” Approaching the conversation with curiosity rather than criticism can help your teen feel understood and make them more likely to open up.

When it might be something more than a summer slump

If you notice signs such as:

• persistent low mood
• withdrawal from friends
• loss of interest in activities they normally enjoy
• significant changes in sleep or appetite
• ongoing lack of energy

You might want to pay closer attention. These signs don’t automatically mean something is wrong, but they may be worth exploring further.

Most teenagers aren’t choosing to be lazy. If you consider what’s happening underneath, you can often find understandable reasons behind the apparent lack of motivation. Being a teenager is hard, and sometimes, young people need time to recharge after a demanding year.

Understanding the difference can help reduce conflict and strengthen your relationship with your teen. And often, maintaining that connection is far more effective than continually telling them to try harder.