Modern day parenting: where did the village go?

I hear many parents describing the daily challenges they face and how difficult life has become. They feel lonely, exhausted and isolated, and many believe they are the only ones feeling this way. Parenting feels harder than expected, and many parents question themselves. Are they doing something wrong? Are they missing something?

Historically, humans have raised children within extended families and with built-in community networks. However, we are now parenting in a completely different age. For many reasons, these community networks and familial connections have been lost. Parenting was never meant to be done in isolation, and yet despite advances in connectivity, parents are finding themselves more alone than ever before.

Parenting without the village

Families today have changed and look different to those of previous generations. Many parents live far from extended family, so grandparents, siblings or other relatives might not be close by to offer practical help or emotional support. The 'village' may also have included neighbours, older siblings, cousins or friends. Both parents are often working, which may also leave less time and flexibility to share the practical demands of family life.

There is also an expectation that parents meet not only the physical needs of their child but also their educational, developmental, social and emotional needs. Although high expectations and aspirations come from a loving place, carrying a lot of extra responsibility without a wider support network can leave parents feeling like they have an impossible task.

Identity shifts

Many parents notice they don’t recognise themselves but find it hard to explain why.

Matrescence can be described as the profound period of change comprising the emotional, physical, psychological and social transition women journey through when they become a mother. Similarly to adolescence, motherhood is a period of immense transition. Although the term matrescence specifically refers to motherhood, many fathers and non-birthing parents also experience significant changes in identity as they adapt to parenthood.

Every family is different and faces different challenges; some are raising children alone, and some coparent after separation. Despite these differences, families share the experiences of carrying enormous responsibilities and identity shifts with limited support.

It now makes sense

Together with the pressures of modern life and profound identity changes, it makes sense why parenting can feel like a never-ending uphill struggle. 

We live in a world with impossible standards, comparisons everywhere we go, particularly on social media. Parents are now parenting in an age where we can be constantly exposed to carefully edited snapshots of family life, and whether we realise it or not, we can compare what we see to what life is like for us.

We might see perfect birthday parties, organised playrooms, and homemade lunches without seeing the financial resources, time, support, or difficulties behind the scenes. Comparison can make us believe other parents have things figured out and organised while we have missed it.

Parents today are also surrounded by messages about how they should be raising their children. There is often pressure to enjoy every single moment, to create perfect memories, be constantly present, balance work and the demands of home life, and provide endless enriching experiences and opportunities for children.

All of this high pressure occurs alongside navigating our own changing identity, and making sense of who we are now, whilst holding on to parts of ourselves that exist outside of parenting.

So, what now?

Maybe the first step is recognising that parenting was never meant to be done alone. Understanding the wider context of modern-day parenting doesn’t remove the challenges but can support us to replace self-criticism with self-compassion.

It might be helpful to redefine what good enough parenting means for you. In the 1950s, Donald Winnicott, a developmental paediatrician, devised the term 'good enough mother', explaining that instead of striving for perfection, parents who provide consistent care and emotional support while allowing their child to experience practicable frustrations support healthy development and recognise that self-acceptance and compassion provide a beneficial role model for children.

Modern-day parenting can ask us to meet impossible standards, so taking some time to reflect and consider your own values and expectations, rather than those set by social media or others’, can help you decide what is important for your family.

We might find it helpful to acknowledge that becoming a parent changes us. Whilst you might not feel like the same person who you were before you had children, it doesn’t mean you have completely lost yourself. Your identity isn’t fixed. Your identity can evolve as you move through different stages of life.

If possible, try to find ways to establish or grow your own village. Support might not come from extended family; it can be a trusted friend, another parent, a neighbour, a community group or a professional. Reaching out for support isn’t a sign that you are failing or unable to cope – it’s just recognising that parenting and raising children have always been something meant to do together.

Parenting can feel conflicting at times. It can feel joyful, rewarding and meaningful, and at the same time feel lonely, demanding and challenging. It may feel confusing, but those experiences and feelings can coexist together.

Supporting yourself to understand the wider context of modern parenting can help to remind us that struggling or feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean we are doing things wrong or can’t cope. If how you are feeling is beginning to impact your daily life, talking to a professional is one way you can explore it and support yourself.