How to let go of perfectionism and still be a good enough parent

Do you ever think, ‘I wish my kids would just sit down and listen to me or put their phones away?' Do your children leave the room whilst you are trying to talk to them or endlessly text their mates, but won’t engage in any real conversations?

I often experienced this and worried that it meant that my parenting skills were not good enough. It sometimes felt like trying to swim through custard with my boots on, whilst onlookers were shouting at me. And my children did not arrive with a manual or an ‘off switch’ either. Most of us get parenting right and also get parenting wrong. We make mistakes. We try our best. We are human. We want to be the best parents that we can be, and so we try to be perfect. But bringing up children is a stressful and messy business.

So, how do you let go of perfectionism and still be a parent who is ‘good enough?’

Why the ‘perfect’ parent does not exist

Some parents seem to get everything right all of the time and rear wonderful and brilliant children. Some parents do not make any time or effort for their children. But most parents try their best to meet their children’s needs and to teach them right from wrong. This parent is not perfect, but is ‘good enough.’

I have never been a perfect parent and, I guess, you have probably not been either? Children are sometimes wonderfully behaved and sometimes super naughty. It is easy to think that you have forgotten how to be a good parent. Or that you have very difficult children and that nothing you do can possibly make a difference.

But the perfect parent does not actually exist. By letting go of perfectionism, you can still be a parent who is ‘good enough.’

Children do not come with a manual

When I had my children, I thought it best to read parenting guides to make life simpler, and books about how to raise a perfectly happy child. However, it quickly became clear that my children did not conform to what was written in these books, and neither did my parenting skills. On one occasion, when I felt particularly anxious, my GP suggested that I just stop reading books!

What I now know is that whatever parenting style we use, children are all different, and they are not perfect. They are individuals, just like you and I are.

"Everyone else’s children are better behaved than mine"

You say, ‘All my friends’ children are well behaved and do what they are asked to. They tidy their rooms and sort their own laundry. They help look after their younger siblings without complaining and always finish their homework.’ It sounds like all your friends have perfect, model children. It also sounds like this scenario might actually be too good to be true, so I am just wondering if it really is...?

Society tells us we must try harder

You need to go to work, and you need to stay at home. You need to get the little ones to school on time, and you need to walk the dog, or feed the cat, or get the baby to sleep, or answer your emails or just do the washing. Whatever you need to do, there is never enough time or space as a parent.

Society tells you that you must try harder because others manage to be perfect parents, so why can’t you? Society talks a lot about parenthood and gives you opinions, even when you don’t want them. Society says that other people’s children are never naughty or rude, and do not get things wrong, and neither do the parents.

Society tells you that you should be a perfect parent, but it does not allow you to ever become one. But being imperfect is not your fault, because what society encourages you to think about yourself, others and the world around you, is often unrealistic and untrue.

Why what we think may not be true

If you were ‘posting’ about your children on social media, would you write about an average day, full of the usual stresses and strains, or would you post about the perfect day when things went really well and (for once) everyone had a great time? Exactly. So the reality probably is that everyone else’s kids are actually no better behaved than yours, and that you are as good a parent as anybody else. You just think that other children are better behaved and other parents are better at parenting.

So, how do you let go of parenting perfectionism?

• We all want to be perfect, don’t we?
• We want our children to be perfect.
• We also want to be perfect parents.

It can take a lot of courage to confess that sometimes we get things wrong and that we are not perfect parents. We have read the books and tried the techniques. We have followed the advice and searched online for inspiration.

Accepting that our imperfections are normal and are part of who we are is the first step towards letting go of perfectionism. If we can learn to do this, we are a big step closer to seeing ourselves as parents who are not superhuman but are still ‘good enough.’

Accepting yourself

Accepting yourself takes courage. To acknowledge that you are an imperfect parent may feel like a failure, but by being honest about your own mistakes and limitations, you can start to let go of trying to be a perfect parent and begin to see yourself as the ‘good enough’ parent that you actually are.

It is OK to get parenting wrong sometimes, and it is OK if your children get things wrong sometimes too. By letting go of perfectionism, you can still be a great parent. By allowing yourself to be imperfect, you are being real and honest. By accepting yourself as ‘good enough’, you have already accomplished a very great deal as a parent.

Some tips to let go of perfectionism and still be a good enough parent

• Silence your inner critic. We need to stop listening to the nagging voice inside our heads which tells us that we are not a good enough parent. (Because we are good enough!)
• Choose a positive affirmation. Reminding ourselves every day that we are already doing our best can really help, e.g. ‘I listen to my kids when they want to tell me something’ or ‘I help my children to believe in themselves when they feel dis-spirited.’
• Journaling. Writing down how we feel in a journal or ‘thought diary’ can help to process difficult things that we may be grappling with. When we make our feelings become ‘real’ on paper, it is easier to understand them because they are no longer trapped inside us. 

Connect with a counsellor for support with perfectionist parenting

Talking to a counsellor about being a parent can really help if you are still struggling to feel that you are ‘good enough.’ Counselling helps you to talk about the daily dilemmas and issues you face. A therapist will not judge you if you say that you are having a hard time. They will not think negatively of you if you describe how other children behave better than yours. They will listen when you feel overwhelmed and stressed. They may give you coping techniques to manage your parenting ‘failures.’ They will help you to accept yourself as the capable parent that you already are. Talking things through with a professional may be your first step towards letting go of perfectionist parenting for good.