Finding self-compassion during the winter season

As the year winds down and the festive season envelops us, many of us feel the pull to reflect, celebrate, and connect. Yet, this time of year can also stir up complex emotions. For some, the holidays highlight feelings of togetherness, while for others, it can be a season of stress, loneliness, or heightened self-criticism. This mix of joy and challenge makes it the perfect moment to explore the concept of self-compassion — offering yourself the kindness and care you might extend to someone you love.

Paul Gilbert’s compassion-focused therapy (CFT) provides a rich framework for understanding and cultivating self-compassion. Grounded in evolutionary theory, neuroscience, and psychology, CFT helps us understand why self-compassion can feel difficult and how it can transform our inner worlds. Let’s explore what self-compassion means and how we can embrace it this winter.

Understanding self-compassion

At its heart, self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness when we’re struggling, rather than piling on criticism or shame. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this field, defines self-compassion as having three components: self-kindness, recognising our shared humanity, and mindfulness (Neff, 2003). I have found in the past it is all too easy to forget one or all of the components of compassion in the bustle of this time of year, but it's more about responding to our imperfections and challenges as we would to a dear friend — with warmth, understanding, and patience.

Compassion-focused therapy expands on this by delving into the psychological and evolutionary underpinnings of compassion. According to Gilbert (2009), self-compassion isn’t just a “nice idea.” It’s a vital part of emotional well-being, helping us manage stress, heal from past pain, and foster a sense of safety within ourselves. For many of us, the very idea of gifting ourselves with a sense of safety and not looking for our sense of safety in others is a challenging concept; self-compassion doesn’t come easily. Why? The answer often lies in how our emotional systems are wired.

The three emotional systems: A balancing act

One of the central ideas in CFT is the three-systems model, which helps us understand how our emotions are regulated. These three systems — the threat system, the drive system, and the soothing system — work together to keep us safe and balanced, though sometimes they fall out of sync.

The threat system is our brain’s alarm bell. It’s designed to detect danger and keep us safe, triggering feelings like fear, anger, or anxiety. This system was invaluable to our ancestors, who needed to react quickly to threats like predators. However, in modern life, the threat system can become overactive, especially when self-criticism takes root, leaving us feeling perpetually under attack — from ourselves. I think most of us can relate to this.

The drive system, on the other hand, motivates us to pursue goals and rewards. It’s tied to feelings of excitement and achievement, but when over-relied upon, it can lead to perfectionism and burnout. In the hustle of holiday preparations or New Year’s resolutions, this system often takes centre stage.

Finally, there’s the soothing system, which helps us feel safe, calm, and connected. This system is essential for recovery and emotional balance, yet it’s often underdeveloped, especially for those who’ve experienced harsh criticism or insecure attachments. Strengthening the soothing system is a cornerstone of CFT, it allows us to offer ourselves the care and kindness we need to thrive. It is all too easy, especially at this time of year to lose our balance and predominately stay in the Threat or Drive system. It is useful to understand why giving ourselves self-compassion can prove demanding. Let's dive a little deeper.

Why is self-compassion so hard?

From an evolutionary perspective, self-criticism and shame make sense. Our brains evolved to be hyper-vigilant about potential threats — whether from predators or social rejection. In many ways, being hard on ourselves was a survival mechanism, pushing us to fit in, avoid mistakes, and strive for success. But in today’s world, this mechanism often backfires, leaving us stuck in cycles of self-blame and harsh judgment and as if this isn't enough there is even more to consider.

Attachment theory also offers insight. If our early relationships were marked by criticism, neglect, or inconsistent care, we might struggle to internalise a sense of safety and compassion. Instead, we may develop an inner voice that mimics those critical or unkind experiences. Over time, this voice becomes our default response to failure or pain, making self-compassion feel unfamiliar — or even threatening.

Shame, guilt, and the barriers to self-compassion

Two of the biggest obstacles to self-compassion are shame and guilt. Shame is the deeply uncomfortable feeling that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us, while guilt arises when we feel we’ve done something wrong. While guilt can sometimes motivate positive change, shame often fuels self-criticism, making it harder to engage with compassion.

Many people fear that being kind to themselves will make them complacent or weak. However, research shows the opposite. Self-compassion helps us build resilience, improve emotional regulation, and even perform better in the long run (Gilbert & Procter, 2006). In CFT, developing self-compassion is seen as a courageous act — one that challenges the deep-rooted fears and beliefs that keep us stuck. I'm hoping by now you are beginning to see just how powerful developing self-compassion can be for us and how impactful it can be to live without it. So that is some of the theory but might we practically offer ourselves some compassion?

Practical ways to cultivate self-compassion

Self-compassion isn’t just a concept; it’s a skill we can develop with practice. Here are a few Compassion-Focused Therapy techniques to help you get started:

Soothing rhythm breathing:

One simple way to calm your threat system is through rhythmic breathing. By focusing on a slow, steady inhale and exhale, you can signal to your brain that you’re safe, activating the soothing system and reducing stress.

Compassionate imagery:

Imagine a kind and wise figure — perhaps a mentor, a loved one, or even an abstract sense of warmth and understanding. Visualise this presence offering you support, and allow yourself to receive it.

Compassionate letter-writing:

Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of someone who cares deeply for you. Acknowledge your struggles with empathy and encouragement, reminding yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect.

Exploring self-criticism:

Take a moment to notice the tone and content of your self-critical thoughts. Where do these voices come from? What might a more compassionate response look like?

And here is the science bit, because if you are anything like me you may need some biological facts about what applying self-compassion can do for our brain.

The neuroscience of compassion

Neuroscience offers fascinating insights into why these practices work. Self-compassion activates the brain’s soothing system, reducing activity in the amygdala (the threat detector) and increasing activity in regions associated with empathy and emotional regulation, such as the insula and anterior cingulate cortex (Longe et al., 2010). By practising self-compassion, we’re literally rewiring our brains to feel safer and more connected.

Embracing self-compassion this winter

As the holidays and New Year approaches, it’s easy to get caught up in expectations —whether it’s finding the perfect gifts, hosting the perfect gatherings, or becoming the “perfect” version of yourself in the coming year. But perfection isn’t the goal. What if, instead, you made space for self-compassion? What if you allowed yourself to rest, reflect, and care for your emotional well-being?

Cultivating self-compassion doesn’t mean ignoring challenges or letting go of ambition. Here is the kicker: It means approaching yourself with kindness and understanding, even when things don’t go as planned. Yes, you read that correctly! By balancing the three emotional systems and nurturing your soothing system, you can create a sense of inner safety and resilience that carries you through the winter season — and beyond.

Remember, self-compassion is a practice, not a destination. It takes time, patience, and courage. But as you begin to soften your inner dialogue and embrace your humanity, you may find that self-compassion becomes one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself this year.

References

• Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life's Challenges. Constable & Robinson.
• Gilbert, P. (2014). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.
• Gilbert, P., & Procter, S. (2006). Compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self-criticism: Overview and pilot study of a group therapy approach.
• Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 13(6), 353-379.
• Longe, O., Maratos, F. A., Gilbert, P., Evans, G., Volker, F., Rockliff, H., & Rippon, G. (2010). Having a word with yourself: Neural correlates of self-criticism and self-reassurance. NeuroImage, 49(2), 1849-1856.
• Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.