Learning to be on your own side

Many people come to therapy with a heavy and hard inner voice, often with anxiety, self-doubt or perfectionism. It can be harsh, critical and loud, saying things like: “Do more”, “Your fault”, “Be better” or “Others could”. If any sounds familiar, you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common experiences heard about in therapy.

We can learn early on that being hard on ourselves is the way to achieve, to be noticed or to keep safe. For some, it’s linked to what we knew as children. For others, it’s learned from school, work, or relationships where aspects of us weren’t tolerated or cared for. Over time, this critical voice can become so normal that we hardly know it’s there.

The problem is that self-criticism rarely works the way we believe. Instead of consistently motivating or protecting us, it can leave us isolated, or stuck in shame, anxiety or avoidance. It can narrow our perspective and drain our time and vitality. Making it impossible to grow, learn or find our potential.

What would it be like to treat yourself differently?

Therapy often gives people their first taste of a different kind of voice, in a relationship where they’re met with patience, curiosity, and understanding, without judgment or expectations. That experience alone can be helpful, with the therapist becoming a useful, compassionate presence when a client decides to look within.

It’s not about ignoring or hiding from anything, or pretending everything’s positive. Instead, it’s about making space for a more open, curious and balanced way of being. Firm, fair but utterly supportive – like you would be with someone you had responsibility for caring for.

Why self-criticism isn’t helping

Often, our inner conflicts and difficulties can come with a sense that somehow, we are in our own way. An understandable consequence of living under any controlling or punishing regime. With parts of us pushed away, unwanted or disregarded, we can struggle, suffer and become stuck. Us not liking ourselves doesn’t make it easy to navigate life as ourselves.

Self-compassion doesn’t mean being indulgent or letting yourself off the hook. It means recognising that you’re human, and that struggles are a part of life – it's important to find the best way forward.

Meeting ourselves with proactive and genuine care can help us to stay open in the face of challenges. We may learn that this path isn’t a weakness or vulnerability. Instead, it allows us to tap into deeper resources or find hidden strengths. Responsibility can feel shared when internal connections improve, with effective internal collaboration helping us to move towards experiences even our most ardent critics would be proud of.

Starting small

If you notice your inner critic at work, try pausing for a moment. Ask yourself:

• Would I speak to a friend this way?
• What tone of voice might actually help me?
• What would it be like to thank that voice, but to say, respectfully, no. That you’ll rest or simply be where you are today?

Observe your critic, trying to look past any judgement or fear – it’s trying to help you in the way it knows how. Wherever you go, you’ll have a version of it with you. Maybe it’s better, over time, to try to repurpose than reject it.

In therapy, we’ll learn how to respond, not react, to this voice. As one of my clients put it: “I’ve learned how to stand on my own side.”

Therapy as a practice ground

Making this change doesn’t happen overnight. It needs time, practice and support. In therapy, we can notice together how self-criticism shows up, explore where it comes from, and experiment with kinder ways of responding. Sometimes it’s about finding a new perspective; sometimes it’s about building an entirely different relationship with yourself.

Self-compassion isn’t a privilege or beyond us. It’s a necessary foundation for resilience, confidence, and genuine growth. It starts with the simple but radical idea that you deserve to be treated with the same care as others.