Bigger, better, faster!

As a counsellor I live in the same world that we all do, I am aware, of and influenced by the pressures we all feel. Some of these pressures can be the newer car, faster processing speeds of our technology, the better (new and improved formula) dishwasher tablets, the concentrated fabric softeners offering incredibly improved efficiency, better smell and a wonderful euphoric experience when you do a mundane task.

Perhaps the influence of “greenwashing” makes us feel pressured to buy “green” soaps, deodorants, toilet cleaner, toothpaste, toilet paper, petrol etc etc. We must play our part in protecting our planet!

 One thing that all of those newer, faster, better products have in common is a massive industry behind them. A sales industry that consistently recruits the best psychology graduates, the best writers and the best advertising minds to be in their workforce. George Orwell wrote about the sales industry in Keep The Aspidistra Flying and more recently Vance Packard in The Hidden Persuaders we are subjected to ever-increasing amounts of advertising. No wonder it is so effective. Against such concerted effort and concentrated intelligence who would not struggle to prevail?

Perhaps it might be worth taking a look at why this is so effective

As I see it, the advertising and marketing world operates on a couple of age-old and recognised phenomena. Fear and difference. Both of these are very interesting to a counsellor. 

Fear is a big factor in all our lives. Initially, it might have been fear of the hairy, sharp-toothed and clawed creature outside the cave but in today's world, it is nuanced. Fear of being picked on in the playground or workplace, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being excluded or perhaps fear of failure, fear of our partner or fear of the adult who says they love us but we have to keep what we do a secret.

It is still fear and as such is a very powerful motivator, it can affect us in so many ways. Indeed we are hardwired to respond in certain physical ways when our fear is triggered. Our bodies behave in certain ways and our mind operates in certain ways. Ways that served us well in the presence of what we feared but ways that can very easily become a fixed way of being which does not serve us so well.

What about difference? Difference is closely allied with fear, they cooperate with each other. Be it fear of not having the right iPhone model, trainers, car, hair type, skin colour or the wrong politics, social graces, performance levels at work or any of a multitude of differences too numerous to list, they all have a core of fear, of difference. The fear of being seen as different and thus vulnerable to ridicule and exposure. They all trigger fear.

 As a counsellor, I regularly see clients who have, in some way, been influenced by fear and difference. Typically they have experienced those two stressors and the physical responses have become the “normal”. They live in a state of mind that is always on guard for a new threat, they behave in ways that are felt to reduce the presence of fear and also difference e.g. procrastination, obsessive hand washing, worrying, self-harming, dieting, overeating, people pleasing etc. etc.

Worryingly they may have elevated blood pressure/pulse rates, their breathing is shallow and rapid, sleep is a problem and compulsive activities that reduce these symptoms are very often present. No surprise that eventually they become overwhelmed and just cannot continue. They experience a “nervous breakdown”. Quite often they blame their own lack of ability and strength for this which feeds into the negative spiral. When life is bad enough they might seek out their GP who, with the best will in the world, will prescribe some medication that for a short while will help alleviate the symptoms - but not the cause. There is a lot of evidence that such medications are at best only effective for a short while.

Step in the counsellor!

Being able to recognise the state of anxiety, and chronic fear is something that can be learned. Being able to provide a space where the anxiety can be overcome and surpassed is not so easily learned. But providing this space is what I, as a counsellor, strive to do. When it is achieved by the counsellor great things can happen. A client who has been anxious since childhood, or for whom recent events have caused a state of anxiety, each is able to explore their way to a less stressed and anxious way of being. This is not easy for any person, especially clients, but it is not impossible. 

A client can change the way they let the pressures of life affect them, they can choose how to respond to events that are affecting them. A client can change their sense of self-worth, and self-being, from maladaptive to a way of being that leaves them satisfied, feeling worthy and content. A way of life that allows them to recognise the stress of everyday life and to regulate, and soothe themselves. Their body will relax and their mind can become a place they are happy to be in rather than one they feel the need to distract themselves from.

As a counsellor I have learned how our being reared can have long-lasting effects on us. When the space and environment of trust have been established (therapeutic relationship) the client can see how events (recent or deep in their past) have impacted them. Are impacting them still. Be it the emotionally unavailable parent, abusive sibling or the recent death of a loved one, the client is able to see the events and their influence on them. Being able to recognise the causes of their anxiety the client is in a potentially very powerful position. Firstly when anxiety has a description, a known cause, a shape, it loses a lot of its power to influence i.e. I know I am scared of dogs because I was bitten once - however, that is not the same dog and it is not attacking me now. Secondly, the client can choose.

Choose how they respond. They can continue with the maladaptive state of being that brought them into counselling, which is okay. Perhaps now is not the time they are ready to do something different. Or they can figure out a different way of responding to the anxieties, fears, and patterns of behaviour. I love it when a client arrives at this stage - real progress is happening already!

 So a client who is experiencing pressure, be it from the pressures of the world we live in or the world they have lived in can change. With effort and support a client can become the best them that they can be. It is not a weakness to seek help to do this - none of us can do it on our own. It is perhaps a sign of weakness to not seek out the help that can enable us to achieve this.

Change does not happen by chance - it happens through effort.