Acceptance: Learning to work with what is

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident." - Arthur Schopenhauer, German philosopher.

One of the most difficult yet most simple qualities to cultivate in life is acceptance. And while it is true that not everything ought to be accepted, it is often a virtue and a step toward serenity to understand that not everything can be changed, and that unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments.

"Everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change." 

Katherine Mansfield, British author.

As we strive for perfection, we fight what may be good enough or what we cannot change anyway. We may waste a lot of energy, feeling bored and stuck rather than progressive and motivated. Sometimes there is no magic; however, simple acceptance can be enough to ease and change our perspective. In turn, we free our energy to discover, explore and enjoy what is already available.

Accepting what we cannot change

After an unfortunate injury, a young man became epileptic, and this unexpected condition could not be completely controlled by medication. Unlike a common cold, his epilepsy did not simply get better and go away. Despite consulting experts and living as carefully as possible, occasional seizures still occurred. The changes in his life excluded him from driving and enjoying some of his favourite activities, such as climbing and sometimes drinking to excess. Such changes impinged on his lifestyle and his goals.

In desperation, he consulted a counsellor for guidance. While counselling could not change the medical reality of his epilepsy, it could help him explore how he might adapt to the changes it had brought to his life. At first he felt disappointed, almost horrified – how could he simply ‘accept’ his new condition?

In time, however, he found public transport services to be good enough, that walking and running worked wonders for his health and that there were many alternative interests. His life carried on, and he developed new ways to be. His health was not ideal, but accepting the reality of epilepsy allowed him to adjust his lifestyle and enjoy his life regardless.

"Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck."

Nathaniel Branden, American psychologist.

Again, note that acceptance does not connote approval. In fact, it usually connotes that there is something in the situation that is less than appealing, less than ideal. Yet, for wider reasons, such as the overall value of a relationship or situation, we may tolerate or assent to imperfection. While perfection and improvement are surely ideals for which to strive, inordinately demanding them in every situation or instantly is usually a recipe for resentment, frustration, disappointment and even strife.

Acceptance in relationships

Often we may begin a relationship with stars in our eyes, wanting to believe ‘he/she is the one, this time it will work, he/she will change that little bit’. In time, ‘that little bit’ can grow, and it often happens that the ideal one seeks becomes a new ideal. And the process tends to repeat and repeat, such that a person like this never attains deep relations with real people in a real world, but is forever seeking that which is unreal, which does not exist. In effect, they miss real life in search of fantasy.

A young woman believed she finally met her prince; this new man was surely the antidote to her current relationship. Without deep reflection, she bade the old relationship farewell and eagerly welcomed the new. Her new beau may not show his emotions, but look at his confidence and sporting prowess; surely in time he would notice and appreciate her affections. “My displays of love and gratitude will rub off; his indifference will melt, I will gently engineer these changes,” she convinces herself yet again.

If we can give up the temptation to move from relationship to relationship in search of an ideal situation, we may ultimately realise there is no escape from oneself, and the idea that things would automatically be better someplace else can sometimes be an illusion.

Acceptance of one’s partner can provide an incentive to restore peace and work things out. This does not mean remaining in a relationship that is harmful, unsafe or fundamentally incompatible with your needs. Rather, acceptance can mean learning the practices of love: acknowledging one’s own offensive behaviour, giving up some preferences, forgiving and possibly developing oneself as a result. Acceptance enables one to work with what you've got rather than constantly searching for an ideal that may not exist.

"It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."

Carl Sagan, American astronomer.

Acceptance is not the same as giving up

Acceptance, which is not the same as approval, is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, wherein we come to recognise a situation – often a negative or uncomfortable one – for what it is, without immediately attempting to change it or protest against it. The word is derived from the Latin roots ac (to) + ceptus (take or receive). The concept is also close in meaning to ‘acquiescence’, which is derived from the Latin acquiescere (to find rest in).

Acceptance is the capacity to work with what is and thereby make modest improvements. It is the resourcefulness to discover gifts in the present, imperfect moment and use them lovingly and skilfully. It is the ability to rejoice and delight in the quirkiness, even the inconsistency, of the people we know, and to realise that many of the struggles they have are strongly related to their strengths.

Acceptance isn't about approving of everything that happens to us or giving up on the possibility of change. It's about recognising what is true in this moment, deciding what is within our control and using our energy where it can make a difference.