A relationship needs to be consistently worked on
Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: Jill Mitev-Will BA(Hons)
20th May, 20150 Comments
I am wondering why so many of us are of the opinion that a relationship will continue to flourish and grow when the bare minimum attention is focused on it. Would we expect our work to be of a high standard if our input was minimalistic.? Of course not...
When one meets a new partner that we gel with, connect with, one makes an effort not just with our clothes, shoes and accessories but by conversation, a smile, eye contact. One feels excited, alive and one feels good about themselves. We make plans that are enjoyable for both parties whether that be a trip to the theatre, the cinema, a nice meal out or a cosy night in for two. One pays attention to detail to make the other person feel appreciated and loved. So if we know what it takes for that initial stage to work why is it then one begins to gradually let go of doing those little things that brought so much pleasure and joy to their partner?
How often people have told me including friends and family that the spark has gone from their relationships. On asking what is a typical evening for them, I am consistently told "well we both fall asleep watching television". I am further told that the sex life that was once filled with passion is fast becoming a distant memory with excuses made on both parts as to why sex is not taking place.
Weekends are unplanned where neither person has given each other any quality time. Instead arguments are commonplace, angry words are fired across the room like bullets from a machine gun meaning one has the choice to retreat into the other room or fire the bullets back. It's hardly surprising then that the divide or bridge in the relationship becomes widened. The once well dressed individual looking attractive and appealing with the subtle smell of perfume or aftershave sending lingering fragrances towards us has been replaced with a pair of jogging bottoms, a t-shirt and at best a pair of trainers and jeans.
I know one can't and shouldn't always have to look amazing and of course one always needs some down time. However if you want to rekindle that spark one has to make efforts to do this. I think the first thing is to be honest to ourselves. How much do we really want to do to make this happen? Do we want to stay with this person? Rather than be negative about the other party, perhaps some own honesty about ourselves is where it should begin. Are we looking after ourselves. Has our own appearance slipped? Are we really paying the attention that our other half deserves? Do we listen to how hard their day was? Are we so absorbed in our own world that we just forgot to ask him/her how they are feeling?
If we decide to take a positive action plan to rekindle the spark then some hard work needs to be in place. Choose to plan this weekend and decide to manage your time, for example this Saturday you could plan a surprise trip out. Do something kind and caring for the other person. Use eye contact with them, switch off the television, ditch the jogging bottoms, pay attention to your appearance. Make the other person see you as the attractive person they were on those first meetings. Hold their hand or arm, appreciate them for who they are and begin to become a strong unit again. Go back to basics. Talk, laugh and understand them. Through these changes a shift will happen and for those wanting to regain love making and the joy of sex, this will follow after going back to the real basics. How can one really achieve great fun in the bedroom if there is little or no conversation and connection happening outside of the bedroom?
Through these very basic changes and continuing to plan and manage your time together in a positive way it really is possible to rekindle and reconnect with the very person that you shared all those special times with during those early years. You can make this happen again! And if you are struggling, couples counselling can support you during these changes.
About the author
I have a delightful room in my home that provides a safe place for one to talk through their concerns/issues. I believe I can provide help you achieve a positive outcome. I think you will find me warm, welcoming, non-judgemental, empathic with a quirky energetic style of working. Jill Mitev-Will BA(Hons).
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