Low self-esteem: Whose voice is it?

“The more I fight it, the worse it gets!”

A sneaky, persistent voice tells you you’re a failure, stupid, or boring. That you are not worthy of love or respect, that other people’s needs are more important than your own, which can lead to unhealthy boundaries and an inability to say ‘no’ because you devalue yourself. You can’t accept compliments because that voice sarcastically says “Yeah right, they’re just saying that to be nice. They don’t actually mean it”.

The more aware you become of having low self-esteem, and try to overcome or ignore that critical inner voice, the louder it gets. Drowning out any remaining sense of trust in yourself that’s left, creating even more fear or doubt in your life.

This voice puts limitations on your life choices, your trust, self-confidence, relationships and how you want to live your life.

Does this sound familiar?

"You are your own worst enemy!"

It feels like this inner harsh critic is always working against you. Why does it get louder, the more you try to change your thoughts and feelings to improve your self-esteem? Like it is punishing you for trying to break away from it.

You feel you might be getting somewhere in creating a healthier and more positive outlook on yourself and the world as a whole… then the all-too-familiar spiral of doubt, uncertainty, lack of confidence and needing constant validation from those around you creeps back in.

You are caught back into that cycle of low self-esteem. And it can feel debilitating.

“So, where has it come from and why does it constantly put me down? I feel miserable.”

Low self-esteem can develop for a whole variety of reasons but often originates from when you were young and the relationship you had with your parents or caregivers. It is the messages you received from them which created your self-perceptions of what kind of person you are and how you relate to others.

Excessive criticism, lack of acknowledgement, unrealistically high standards, emotional and/or physical neglect or abuse produce foundations of not being able to find value in yourself, in your achievements, lovableness, and your sense of worth.

Your outlook, both internally and externally has a strong negative slant, making it hard for you to like yourself, make decisions and cope with challenges. It can affect, or limit your confidence, friendships, relationships and ability to find joy in activities and life as a whole. Your need for validation from others becomes exhausting for you and them. They might retreat, thus reinforcing your belief that you are not worthy of their love and care.

“So how do I stop listening?”

Often, self-help guides tell you to use positive affirmations, stop comparing yourself to others, push yourself into situations you’d ordinarily avoid and to not embrace the voice as part of your identity. Or they tell you to change the narrative of the thoughts. Sometimes these things can be helpful, but are usually only short-term solutions. Because that pesky inner critic sneaks back in, undefeated and louder. It can feel draining and disheartening when you find yourself back in that loop.

Rather than trying not to listen to the voice, a different avenue to explore is to accept the voice’s presence but not engage with it. The voice, even one which is strong, persistent, recurring and carries the overtones of someone else, is still just a thought. It isn’t real. A powerful thought, yes, but is it telling you the truth about yourself? What evidence is there to back it up?

"Whose voice is it?"

If you allow yourself to properly tune into that negative critical voice (which can be hard to do when you just want to ignore it), sometimes there’s a tone to it, or a sense that the voice is actually somebody else’s. It can be a familiar voice; a parent, caregiver, abusive (ex)partner or maybe a school bully. They are criticising you, putting you down and making you feel like you’re nothing.

This voice was absorbed into your being and became a part of you, which you now carry internally as your guide, and you believe everything it tells you.

Babies and very young children carry the belief that they are at the centre of the world. Their concept of self does not contain negative beliefs, doubt or feeling other people are better than them. So low self-esteem usually comes from an external source, which gradually whittles down your own innate belief system of how you perceive yourself.

“It’s definitely my voice, not anybody else’s.”

If you identify the voice is truly yours and not that of someone else’s, it might be that it is trying to protect you from being hurt, as a result of childhood adaptations to an oppressive or abusive parent or caregiver.

Maybe the voice is your child-self, that’s not been able to grow because it’s constantly been on high alert. It’s formed in how you interact with others in order to either be noticed or not noticed, avoid rejection, avoid being belittled or punished or to seek love and approval.

So, this voice is constantly on alert for danger, averting negative reactions or possibilities of rejection. The need to be on the lookout can become so consuming that it prevents you from living. It is anticipating and sabotaging your every move.

If this sounds familiar, then it is important that you acknowledge how hard your inner voice has been working for you, even though it’s ultimately caused you unhappiness. Thank it, even.

Acknowledgement of, and thanking that part of you, especially if the voice is your child-self, is an important part of growth, understanding who you are and how to nurture a more positive self-perception.

A talking therapy process of acceptance

Origin and understanding

It is essential to build in an understanding of the origin/s of your low self-esteem. To be able to then accept its presence with willingness, compassion and kindness. Sometimes the root cause might be clear, but other times the voice has no beginning because it has become so ingrained. In both situations, a counsellor can help you explore these origins.

Talking therapy offers the space to fully explore whose voice you carry with you, how it is preventing you from living a fulfilling life and why. There are no distractions in counselling as the session is dedicated to you and only you. Your counsellor acknowledges and accepts all parts of you with no criticism or expectations.  

Openness and willing

Being open and willing is a key factor in your journey to address your self-esteem. It isn’t necessarily about raising your self-esteem as such, but more about being willing to accept its presence. Then, how to react to it in order to move forward in a positive way.

For some, the idea of not having low self-esteem feels impossible to achieve, especially when people say it’s possible to make it go away. That would be like putting somebody else’s head on your shoulders, yes? Often, it’s such a deep part of your identity, whether you like it or not, that being promised the impossible just makes you more negative, bitter and less likely to seek help.

That is why working with a counsellor to accept it, rather than (un)believing it will go away, can work in a long-term and sustaining way.

Self-acceptance

Your counsellor will work with you to build self-acceptance of all parts of you; the good and the bad. The concept of acceptance is easier to digest than the notion of rebuilding your personality. Acceptance feels achievable, not impossible.

High self-esteem can have its own set of challenges in how you live your life and affect your relationships with others. Those with excessively high self-esteem can often be accused of being coercive, narcissistic, conceited and of having a superiority complex.

Observing your harsh inner critic

Once the origin is identified and acceptance is understood, it is then possible to create a separation from that niggling, persistent voice. You can become an observer of it rather than a victim of it. Whether that voice is trying to sabotage you or protect you, you need to create some distance from it.

You can observe the messages it is trying to force onto you, acknowledge them, then release yourself from the urge to react because you believe every word, and instead take a pause and change your reaction. Moving away from automatic responses.

It isn’t about changing the narrative of the voice, ignoring it, or hoping it’ll disappear; it’s about not getting drawn into the content and getting fused with it, then acting upon it. Your counsellor will help you identify that it is ‘just’ a thought which has no foundations of truth. You can learn to disconnect the imagery and feelings or emotions that you have associated with that voice, to reduce its hold over you.

Physical sensations

Your counsellor may also help you connect your physical sensations with this voice and how you respond to it.

Your body will also be communicating, and maybe reinforcing the voice by sending bodily sensations to your mind, which have perhaps gone unnoticed.

Or, your body could be reacting physically, such as butterflies in your tummy, heaviness of heart, or unexplained exhaustion, when you listen to the voice instead of your deeper instincts. A sad internal feeling that your authentic true self hasn’t been heard again; the part of you which wants you to grow and flourish.

There is also the importance of posture, as it often outwardly reflects how you feel about yourself inwardly. Building in whole-body awareness to all talking therapy is an important aspect of healing and change.

“But… if I don’t listen to my negative inner voice, how do I know what to think or do?”

Paying attention to your self-awareness, acceptance and the communications from your physical self can create a sense of wholeness and trust in your instincts. What is your true self trying to tell you at this moment in time, not based on the past or future?

It’s developing the ability to tune into your deep, authentic self and listen to that instead. Your true self can be squashed down and lost behind trauma, anxiety, depression, negative thoughts and emotions. It can get stuck behind the spinning wheel of automatic responses that you are running on; unnoticed. But often it tries to find an alternative way of reaching your mind, and with the help of a trained counsellor, you can free it and learn to listen to it, by way of gut responses and deep feelings. These two instinctive skills, when harnessed, will help you navigate your innate desires to grow and live your life with value while learning what your values actually are.

The presence of that harsh critical voice becomes less powerful and controlling because you are tuning into your inner compass to guide you through life instead. This creates trust in yourself. And if you can trust yourself, your inner and outer world can change.