You can be functioning during IVF and still not be OK

When people think about struggling, they often imagine something obvious. Feeling overwhelmed. Falling apart. Not being able to cope. But going through IVF doesn’t always look like that.

A lot of the time, it looks like functioning. You’re going to appointments, keeping up with work, replying to messages and doing what needs to be done. From the outside, it can look like you’re handling it, and because of that, it’s easy to tell yourself that you’re ok.

But what I see again and again – both in my own experience of IVF, and in my work as a therapist – is that there can be a very different experience underneath that.

When your mind doesn’t switch off

One of the most common things people describe is how much space IVF takes up in their mind. It’s there when you wake up. It’s there when you’re trying to fall asleep. It shows up in small moments during the day when you’re working, talking to someone, or trying to focus on something else.

Even when nothing is actively happening, it’s still there in the background. It’s not always loud or overwhelming, but it’s constant, and over time, that takes a toll.

Living with uncertainty

Another part that’s harder to put into words is the sense of uncertainty. With IVF, there’s often no clear timeline. No guarantees. No way to fully know what’s coming next. And that can create a feeling of being slightly on edge, a lot of the time.

Not necessarily panic, or intense anxiety, but a kind of underlying tension. A sense that you can’t fully relax into anything because things can change at any time on this journey.

Plans feel provisional, hope can feel fragile, and it can be hard to trust in anything staying the same. Many people describe it as feeling like they’re bracing, without even realising they are.

When there isn’t really anywhere to put it

Another layer that often goes unspoken is how hard it can be to find somewhere to actually offload what you’re carrying. Because going through IVF day to day doesn’t always come with one clear “event” or crisis, it can be difficult to explain to other people why it feels so heavy.

You might not feel like you can keep bringing it up with friends or family, especially when nothing specific has happened. Or you might worry about being misunderstood, minimised, or met with well-meaning but unhelpful comments.

So a lot of it stays internal. You keep going, and keep functioning, but without a space where you can fully say: “This is what it actually feels like.”

How this affects you over time

Because nothing has necessarily “fallen apart”, it’s easy to convince yourself you’re coping. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting you.

You might notice:

• your mind feels harder to switch off
• you feel more on edge than usual
• you’re carrying a constant sense of pressure
• it’s affecting your relationship or how you see yourself
• you feel less able to engage fully with other things
• its harder to experience moments of joy or total relaxation

You’re still functioning, but these signs indicate IVF is probably taking more out of you than you expected or realised.

You don’t have to wait until it gets worse

A common pattern I see is people waiting until things feel unbearable before reaching out for support. But support doesn’t have to be a last resort. In fact, it can be most helpful before it gets to that stage of feeling overwhelming, as maybe we can stop it from getting that bad.

Therapy during IVF isn’t about “fixing” the situation.

It’s about having somewhere to:

• make sense of what you’re feeling
• be understood without having to explain everything
• say things openly, without filtering, and without judgement
• process the uncertainty and emotional weight
• get persistent thoughts out of your head
• feel validated and supported with what you are experiencing 
• explore if there are any tools or practices that might better help you deal with things

If this resonates

If you recognise yourself in this, it makes sense. So many people going through IVF do. IVF is incredibly challenging, and it can impact you a lot more than you probably expected on a mental and emotional level.

But you don’t have to carry it on your own. Counselling provides a space where you can open up and don’t have to hold it all together, or explain why it feels so hard, which can often make a real difference.