Why non-monogamy can feel lonely (and what to do about it)

You thought opening up your relationship would feel freeing. More connection, more possibilities – and those things are definitely true. It can be amazing. But why does it sometimes feel so isolating?

If you've felt this way, you're not the only one. You're navigating something many people don't understand. The journey of non-monogamy can be lonely, but not because you're doing it wrong. You are building something from scratch in a world that doesn't present you with a neatly packaged manual for it.

The guide that doesn't exist

We all carry a playbook for monogamy. Even if you've never been in a long-term monogamous relationship yourself, you probably know the general shape of how it's supposed to go. There are movies, your parents’ relationship, your friends or co-workers coupling up, and more.

But non-monogamy? You’ve probably never seen a healthy example of it before you discovered it was even possible. Maybe it crossed your social media feed one day, and you fell down a rabbit hole. You thought, "Could this work for me?" and gave it a go. And now you're here, trying to navigate something entirely new with tools that don't quite fit.

When problems come up (oh yes, they will), who can you turn to? If you're in a monogamous relationship and struggling, you can turn to pretty much anyone. There are books, podcasts, friends who've been through similar things, and resources everywhere.

Now imagine trying to explain to someone that your partner and your metamour have fallen out, and both of them are coming to you separately to vent about the other person. Most people will stare blankly at you. A meta…what now? And before you can even get to the actual problem, you're giving out Non-Monogamy 101.

Nope, you're not cheating. Yes, everyone involved knows what’s going on. No, it's not just about sex. Exhausting, isn’t it, having to educate all the time? Especially when what you really need is support.

Where do you live?

According to a YouGov tracker, ‘How Brits feel about polyamory’, between 1-2% of the UK population are currently in a polyamorous relationship. That's around 700,000 people across the entire country. But how is that population distributed across the U.K?

If you don't live in or near major cities like London, Manchester, or Birmingham, finding other non-monogamous people in person can feel like a long shot. You’re perhaps not sure you can even share with your social circle what you’re doing. You might be the only person you know doing relationships differently. So you head online, and whilst there are more content creators talking about non-monogamy now than ever before, what you often find is carefully curated content.

Metamours are best mates, jealousy has been entirely banished, and everyone is gathered around the kitchen table. There are indeed versions of non-monogamy that look exactly like that. It's not that these people are lying, but often you’re only seeing the highlight reel. It seems like everyone else has it all worked out already.

Meanwhile, you're wondering what you're doing wrong. It can seem like you’re theonly one getting it wrong, which creates pressure to “get it right”. And so the loneliness isn't just about not having people in your life who understand. It's also about the expectations. From yourself, what you see online, and the lack of a blueprint. You feel like you have to do this "right" when, really, there isn’t one clear definition of how to do that.

What can help

Finding your people

Find spaces where you don't have to explain the basics before talking about your actual experience. Whether that's local meet-ups, peer support groups, or online communities, you can use search engines or find forums through the big social media sites. If you’re in or can reasonably travel to bigger cities, you can probably find in-person communities more easily. They are out there. I’ve helped run a peer support group in Birmingham, for example.

Accepting that struggling doesn't mean failure

You're unlearning a lot and having conversations most people never even dream of. You're unlikely to pop into a local book shop and pick up the guidebook to non-monogamy – at least not yet. Give yourself some grace. In a world that puts monogamy on a pedestal, choosing to do relationships differently will be hard.

Getting support that understands the context

Non-monogamy counselling can help, particularly if the counsellor has experience with non-monogamy. Whether that's jealousy you can't quite name, difficulty communicating needs or boundaries, or agreements that aren't working the way you hoped, they can guide you in figuring out what's actually going on beneath the surface.

And the added bonus – you won't have to spend half the session giving them the "I'm not cheating" explainer. Counselling, then, can be a judgement-free space to work out what you actually want. Not what non-monogamy is "supposed" to look like, but what actually works for you and your relationship(s).

Practice makes progress

There's no such thing as perfect non-monogamy. There's no point where you achieve emotional zen and nothing ever feels hard again. What there is, though, is giving it your best shot and learning as you go. With honesty and self-compassion, and ideally not entirely on your own.

I know it can feel lonely, but it doesn't have to forever. Find your people. Get support from folks who understand. Be honest about the messy bits, and don’t beat yourself up too much when you make mistakes. And remember: while there is no clear-cut manual to follow, that also means you get to create your relationships exactly the way you want.