Why do we keep having the same argument?

When the same row keeps coming back, it's rarely about the dishes. Here, I explore what can be happening underneath couples' conflict and some ways to calm things down and reconnect.

Many of the couples I see describe something similar: they sit side by side on the sofa, yet feel miles apart. The arguments seem to come out of nowhere and follow a familiar script: one person raises something small, the other gets defensive, voices rise, and before long you are both somewhere you didn't want to be.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Disagreement is a normal part of any relationship. In my experience, what matters is less whether a couple argues, and more what happens when they do.

Is it really about the dishes?

Communication problems are often the first thing couples bring to counselling, but they tend to sit on top of something deeper. An argument may appear to be about the washing up or money. Underneath, I often find that one or both partners feel unheard, unappreciated or alone.

A useful metaphor is the anger iceberg. If you picture an iceberg, above the surface is what we see: the frustration, the sharp tone, the slammed door. Below the waterline are feelings that are harder to show, such as hurt, fear, sadness or shame. When we only respond to the tip, the same argument keeps coming back, because the need underneath never gets heard.

Naming what is underneath, first to yourself and then to your partner, can change the tone of a conversation. "I'm angry you didn't do the washing up" lands very differently from "I've been feeling like I'm carrying everything on my own lately." The second invites your partner to understand you, rather than to defend themselves.

Why do arguments escalate so quickly?

When we feel threatened, our nervous system reacts before the thinking part of our brain catches up, often called the fight, flight or freeze response. A disagreement with the person we are closest to can feel surprisingly threatening, and it becomes much harder to listen or empathise.

Psychologist John Gottman, who has studied thousands of couples over several decades, calls this state "flooding". His work suggests that once a partner is flooded, productive conversation becomes very difficult, and that a break of at least 20 minutes can help. Signs you might be flooded include a racing heart, a tight chest, feeling hot, or finding that you can no longer take in what your partner is saying.

The patterns that can wear a relationship down

Gottman identified four destructive communication patterns that can undermine relationships; he calls them the "four horsemen": criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Most of us will recognise at least one in ourselves.

He also identifies four practical alternatives to each:

• Criticism - instead, try a gentle start-up that describes how you feel and what you need.
• Contempt - can be eased by regularly expressing appreciation and gratitude.
• Defensiveness - can soften into accepting responsibility for even a small part of the problem.
• Stonewalling - recognise feelings of overwhelm and agree to a pause or break, so you both have time to settle.

How do couples repair?

No couple gets it right all the time. Gottman's findings suggest that couples who do well are not those who never argue, but those who can make and accept "repair attempts": an apology, a moment of humour, or simply "can we start again?"

It also helps to connect when things are calm. One structure I like is the Daily Temperature Reading, developed by family therapist Virginia Satir: a short, regular check-in where each partner shares an appreciation, some new information, a worry or puzzle, a request for change, and a hope. Routines like this can stop small things quietly building into big ones.

What can you try at home?

If you recognise some of these patterns, a few small changes can make a difference:

• Agree a pause signal. Choose a word or gesture that either of you can use when things are getting heated, and agree to come back to the conversation once you have both calmed down.
• Get curious about what is underneath. Before responding, ask yourself what you are really feeling, and what your partner might be feeling too.
• Start gently. Begin difficult conversations with "I feel…" and "I need…" rather than "You always…".
• Notice the good. Small, everyday expressions of thanks and affection can build a sense of goodwill that helps you through harder moments.

None of this is about being perfect. It is about noticing your patterns together and slowly finding new ways to respond.

When might it help to get support?

Sometimes it is hard to see a cycle clearly from the inside. Couples counselling offers a space where both partners can be heard, without the counsellor taking sides. For some couples, learning together at home feels like a more comfortable first step, so you may want to explore online courses. Whichever route you choose, reaching out is a sign of care for your relationship, not a sign that it is failing.

These ideas are intended for everyday conflict between two people who feel safe with each other. If you feel frightened of your partner, or one person is controlling or harming the other, couples work may not be appropriate. In the UK, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.