Why do I put others first? Understanding people-pleasing

Do others turn to you when they need something? Are you reliable, thoughtful, dependable and good at getting things done? What in your psyche makes others know they can depend on you? You are likely reading this because you feel exhausted and resentful, and you're wondering when it will be your turn.

You are likely to say yes when you want to say no. You feel guilty about letting others down. You find it difficult to ask for help. You consider everyone else’s needs before your own. In fact, you may not even know your own needs, because no one ever asks.

The question is: is caring for others coming at a cost to you?

You learnt the importance of being caring, generous and dependable. However, as life has progressed, there is more to do and less time. Saying yes and looking after others repeatedly means saying no to yourself and neglecting yourself.

You likely tell yourself it is easier to do something yourself than to ask someone else. You worry about disappointing others or being seen as selfish. You may even feel responsible for keeping everyone happy, yet still feel unhappy yourself.

Over time, your responses have become so familiar that you no longer stop to consider whether you want to do something. You simply agree.

You may hope that if you give to others, they will eventually give to you. Yet this consistently does not happen. 

Why do I always put others first?

Early relationship experiences shape how you learn to relate to yourself and others.

Perhaps you grew up in a family where someone else's needs took priority. You may have become the sensible one, the peacemaker, the scapegoat, or the person who didn't cause trouble. If a parent was struggling, you might have learnt to pay close attention to their feelings. If disagreements were difficult to manage, keeping the peace may have felt safer than expressing what you wanted.

Not everyone who puts others first has had a difficult childhood. These patterns can also develop through adult relationships, caring responsibilities or work pressures.

Perhaps being helpful gave you a sense of belonging. Being needed might have helped you feel valued. Or perhaps saying no creates such internal discomfort that you never allow yourself to consider it.

Your way of being in relationships makes complete sense in the context of the life you have lived. Understanding these patterns as ways you learnt to survive, relate to others and be seen can help you reflect with curiosity and self-compassion rather than criticism.

Why is it hard to say no?

You might know perfectly well that you are allowed to say no. You may even encourage others to do so. Yet when it comes to you, you do not seem able to utter the word ‘no’.

You might worry that someone will be disappointed, think less of you or withdraw their affection. You may feel guilty even when you have done nothing wrong.

You may have learnt to focus so much on another person's possible reaction that you have lost touch with your own feelings and needs. You may become preoccupied with not wanting to disappoint them, trying to prevent it and ending up agreeing to things you did not want to do.

The difficulty may not be knowing how to set a boundary. It may be that you find it hard to tolerate the feelings that arise once you have set one. This is the place of growth.

How to stop people-pleasing

Putting yourself first does not mean putting everyone else last. It means recognising that your needs matter too. You might start with a simple reminder: "I am important too."

You could begin by using the power of the pause before answering a request. This gives you time to consider what you want and what you can realistically manage. You might say, "Let me check and get back to you on that." Yes, you'll likely feel uncomfortable at first because it is a new habit.

Then, during the pause, notice what happens inside you. What physical sensations do you notice? What emotion follows? Do you feel anxious or guilty? Do you immediately start thinking of reasons to agree? Are you afraid of being rejected or no longer liked?

Then ask yourself: "What do I need here?"

Your need might be rest, time alone, help with a task, or simply the freedom to make a decision without managing everybody else's reaction.

If you are used to accommodating others, doing something differently will feel unfamiliar. You might worry that you are being selfish, even when you are simply recognising your limits. But remember that feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong: discomfort can be part of growth.

How can counselling help with people-pleasing?

Sometimes our patterns are difficult to recognise because they are so familiar. We may understand them intellectually, yet still repeat them every day.

Counselling offers a space to explore what happens in your relationships, what you have learnt about your own needs, and what makes change uncomfortable for you.

In relational therapy, the relationship between you and your counsellor is an important part of the work. You have the opportunity to explore your experiences with someone who wants to understand you. You don't need to take care of the therapist’s feelings or get everything right.

As you begin to understand your patterns, you can explore new ways of responding to yourself and others. You may find it easier to express what you need, set boundaries and make choices that feel more consistent with who you are, rather than who you feel you should be.

Change does not mean becoming a different person or giving up the values that matter most to you. It is about remaining caring, generous and thoughtful without always putting yourself last.

Your needs matter too

If you recognise yourself in this article, start by noticing one moment when you automatically put someone else first. You do not have to change everything at once. Simply becoming aware of what happens, and how you feel, is a place to start.

By softening the idea that you must always put others first, you can begin to recognise that sometimes you will be there for others, and sometimes you will not. Allowing for ‘sometimes’ can help loosen rigid expectations about how you believe you should behave. You are absolutely allowed to care for yourself as well as others. One doesn't need to come at the expense of the other.