Why did I react like that?

Have you ever reacted to something and wondered afterwards, “Why did I respond like that?”

Maybe someone gives you feedback, and you immediately get defensive. Or you find yourself being extremely pleasing to someone you don't even like very much. One part of you thinks you should get on and do something, while another seems to sabotage you whenever you get close.

Our reactions can feel confusing and conflicting

One way to understand this is through the idea that we have different parts, or subpersonalities, within our larger personality. Many psychological traditions, including Psychosynthesis, Jungian psychology and Internal Family Systems, use some version of parts thinking to understand how our minds and personalities are organised.

The central idea is that different parts of us can think, feel, and behave in different ways. At different times, different parts can come to the forefront.

These parts can sometimes seem to hijack us or contradict each other. One part of you might feel confident and capable, while another feels frightened and vulnerable. One part might want to be close to someone, while another keeps pushing them away.

We can move between these different parts without understanding what is happening, leaving us confused or exhausted by our own reactions.

How childhood experiences shape our protective parts

It is suggested that our different parts develop in response to our experiences and relationships with the world around us. For some people, difficult or traumatic experiences in childhood can be influential. A child who experiences anger, criticism, neglect or unpredictability may develop adaptive parts that help them manage what is happening around them.

For example, a child might learn that they are praised when they achieve high grades and receive accolades, but receive little attention when they don't. They may develop a striving, perfectionist part that constantly tries to achieve more, originally to keep their parents' attention.

These responses were likely useful at the time. They may have helped the child feel safer, gain approval or get their needs met. The difficulty can come when a part continues to operate long after the original circumstances have changed.

You may no longer need to strive for perfection to feel loved or fight back in relationships to avoid someone's anger. Life is different now, but you can still find yourself being hijacked by these parts and wondering: Why did I react like that?

For example, in response to a home life that didn't value my emotions or needs, I adapted and developed a people-pleasing part that my family received better. However, now I want more freedom to feel my feelings and know my needs, rather than automatically prioritising other people's needs at the expense of my own.

When a protective part takes over

This way of thinking can be particularly useful when we look at reactions that feel extreme.

Imagine someone who experienced a lot of anger from a parent while growing up. As an adult, they might find themselves becoming very defensive whenever someone challenges them. Their reaction might feel disproportionate to what has actually happened. They might think: “Why can't I just stay calm?” But another way of looking at it is to become curious about the part of them that has become defensive.

In therapy, you can slow the reaction down and ask what this part is trying to protect you from. Perhaps it learned that when someone becomes angry, danger is coming. Perhaps it believes that the only way to stay safe is to fight back first. You might also consider when this way of responding first became useful, and whether the circumstances that led to it are still present in their life now.

Understanding where it comes from doesn't mean we have to continue behaving in the same way. It can allow us to see the reaction differently. Instead of asking, “What's wrong with me?” you might ask: “What is happening inside me right now, and what might this part of me be trying to do for me?” That shift can create more space between the reaction and what we choose to do next.

Understanding rather than getting rid of ourselves

Therapy can help people become curious about their different parts rather than seeing them as something that needs to be eliminated. You might notice when a particular part appears, what it seems to be afraid of, what it is trying to achieve and whether it still needs to respond in the same way today.

You can be grateful that a defensive part helped you survive something and, at the same time, recognise that you might not need it to respond in the same way anymore. Giving a part a name can help you recognise when you are becoming identified with it.

Instead of “I am a failure”, we might begin to notice, “A part of me is feeling like a failure right now.” Instead of “I can't say no”, we might recognise, “There is a part of me that is very afraid of what might happen if I say no.” The part is still there, but we are no longer quite so inside it.

When different parts of us are in conflict

Another reason people come into therapy is that they are exhausted by an inner conflict. They may have two, or even more, parts of themselves pulling in different directions. One part might want them to see their family more, find a different job, leave a relationship or drink less, while another part seems to slam on the brakes whenever they get close to taking steps in that direction.

This can become a painful cycle of self-criticism. One part says, “Why aren't you doing this?”, while another says, “I don't want to do this – it's too frightening.” The person can feel stuck and confused.

In therapy, you can slow the conflict down and listen to each of these parts rather than immediately trying to decide which one is right. With your therapist, you might give each part space to communicate what it wants, fears and needs.

For example, a part that wants to leave a relationship might be longing for freedom and a different life, while another part might be terrified of being alone or of hurting someone. Rather than seeing one as the sensible part and the other as the problem, we can begin to understand what each is trying to do. It is not uncommon for both parts to have the same intention but go about it very differently.

The aim isn't necessarily to make one part disappear. The aim is to develop a more compassionate relationship with these different aspects of ourselves, and to recognise that although we have these parts, we are more than any one of them.

From this position, it becomes possible to hear and understand the conflicting parts without being completely taken over by them. We may then have more choice in how we respond and how we live our lives.

Could therapy help?

If you find yourself confused by your reactions, caught in familiar patterns, or exhausted by different parts of yourself pulling you in opposite directions, therapy can provide a space to slow things down and become curious about what is happening underneath the surface.

You don't have to get rid of parts of yourself or decide that one part is the “right” one. You can instead begin to understand why these ways of responding developed, what they are trying to do for you, and how you can interact with them in a way which reduces stress and gives you more freedom over your reactions.