Which part of you speaks when you’re most vulnerable?

Vulnerability is often misunderstood as weakness, and it can be hard to accept that it can also be a source of strength. But what happens to oneself when vulnerability changes the way we become and how we experience ourselves?

Psychotherapist Richard Schwartz explores how we all display different “parts” within ourselves, which are shaped by experiences, fears, emotions and protective roles we play.

They can be:

• a fearful part that’s scared of consequences, afraid of the dark and unknown 
• an angry part that ploughs through everything in their path 
• a protective part that’s there when you need to stand up for yourself or others 
• a younger wounded part, that inner child that needed someone to be there 
• a self-critical part that says you're not good enough or says how you could have been perfect or better 
• a part seeking connection or comfort that’s looking for love or someone to notice that you’re alive

Which part do you listen to when you’re emotionally or mentally exposed, hurt, overwhelmed, grieving, ashamed, rejected, or uncertain?

Often, what happens to us can activate another part of ourselves, and that can be surprising. We might say “I can’t believe I said that, or I can’t believe I did that “, when in reality it may be a part of ourselves coming to the forefront during emotional or mental distress because it has experience handling situations like these and wants to be heard. However, you wouldn’t classify it as the everyday "you" that you present to the world, so it becomes a shock. How do you deal with that? 

Understanding that we all have different parts

Society, family, and friends will have a stereotypical notion of social, cultural, and racial norms about how a person "should" be, which can create an internal conflict. As humans, we are not one fixed self; we are more than one thing.

Not everyone will experience the same emotional response, as not all parts of an individual are the same, nor will they be activated in the same way. For the mother who is experiencing hardship might have her protective part presenting outside the family home because that is the part she needs to face the world surrounded by challenges, but you may have another mother experiencing the same situation, but her part that is presented is scared to ask for help. 

Parts are created throughout life. As psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott explained, we go through transitions, and as a child, will develop a “true self and false self” dependent on the environment with a primary caregiver. 

As we move through life, different emotional and mental states activate different responses within us. These parts often develop to protect us and may be rooted in past experiences, fear, shame, attachment, or survival. What might these parts look like? 

• the inner critic, where past experience has forced you to be judgmental of yourself 
• the people-pleaser, where you fear people not liking you in every situation
• the avoidant part, where you remove yourself from any uncomfortable situation 
• the angry protector, where you have experienced injustice, so you're constantly in survival mode 
• the anxious overthinker, where you encounter situations that make you nervous, then question the different possibilities 
• the emotionally numb part, where shame has taken over, and it’s hard to reattach yourself to emotions 

Although these characteristics and personality traits can appear at any time, they are normal emotional and mental adaptations within your human experience. Therefore, you break them down like building blocks of you.

But you may ask yourself, "What does that mean when it happens to me?"

What happens after a different part of you appears?

Sometimes our initial reaction is shock at what has happened in the moment, or perhaps embarrassment. However, when we have some time to reflect, whether that be 5 minutes, 1 hour, 2 weeks, a month or a year, you might experience:

Shame

This can be a very difficult emotion to understand or escape from, because it can blend into different emotions or thoughts about how you feel about yourself and can make you withdraw and isolate. This part of a person can be profoundly hard to regulate dependant on how deep the emotional wound.

Guilt and confusion

Sometimes we can’t understand the unknown and are uncomfortable with how your behaviour or emotions have transpired, because ultimately that different part of you has left you bewildered as to why, which can also form a guilt-ridden feeling.

This can also lead to rumination, where you repeatedly start thinking about the situation, often without finding a solution. Occasional reflection is natural; excessive rumination can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression. Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of overthinking, replaying past events, or worrying?

Grief

Grief is often typically thought of when something bad happens, like death, but sometimes we can grieve people who are still alive, as well as ourselves. We can start to grieve a version of ourselves that we no longer thought we were, a past or present relationship, a goal or just general life in how it’s turned out.

Emotional hangover

This is where you start feeling the after effects, not just mentally or emotionally, but physically too. You might become drained, tired, and that type of physical exertion can leave us emotionally vulnerable, needing time to recover from experiencing the numbness or emotionally raw feeling. Even though the moment has passed, your mind and body are still processing what happened as if it were seconds ago.

Fear of judgement

This is sometimes where we become the most vulnerable because it often means allowing others to see parts of ourselves that we usually keep hidden or a secret. After we let someone in, we start to worry about how we were perceived by the other person.

Questions such as “Did I overshare?”, “What will they think of me?”, “Have I made a mistake?” or “I should have kept quiet about that” can create a fear of judgement that fundamentally leaves us wanting to withdraw or protect ourselves from any further exposure.

Questioning identity

When a different part of ourselves takes the stage and decides to be the main character in your story, we may begin questioning who we really are. We might think, “That’s not me,” or “I don’t recognise myself when I behave like this.” We really struggle to acknowledge that this part belongs to us because it does not match how we see ourselves, as we create images of how we believe we act.

Sometimes the aftermath becomes harder than the original moment or situation itself. This is where we have to do some work in understanding why that part appeared, and whether that part was warranted to be there.

Coping with the aftermath

Sometimes, dealing with what comes next will feel hard for us to cope with because of the way we’ve built it up in our minds. Once the emotions within us settle and the moment of the situation has passed, we are often left alone to sit with our thoughts, feelings, and reactions. 

We start to question why we reacted in a certain way, replay conversations over and over again, or start to criticise ourselves for allowing a part of us to reveal itself in public because we’d rather keep it hidden. Dealing with the aftermath should not be about suppressing these parts of ourselves, hiding the authentic you and pretending they do not exist because you want to present a picture-perfect you to others and yourself. Instead, it is about understanding what that part is trying to communicate to you and responding with a genuine curiosity rather than self-criticism and wanting to hide it away.

Some ways to cope with the after effects of a moment or transition from your everyday part to a part that isn’t always there can include:

Take a moment before we turn to self-judgement or negativity

Breathe, take a moment to feel and do not jump straight to self-criticism. Don’t go straight into trying to find out what it means; give yourself time to understand before putting a label on it.

Understand your triggers and recognise when it’s happening

Consider what has activated that part of yourself. What was the situation? Did it make you feel criticised, rejected, a loss, embarrassed, uncertain, feel unheard or small, or was it a reminder of a past experience?

Choose curiosity over criticism

Instead of asking yourself questions of, “What’s wrong with me?” try reframing the question to yourself, “What was this part of me trying to protect or tell me?” Trying to understand often creates more growth than self-blame.

Practice emotional regulation

Emotions can feel overwhelming, so incorporating grounding techniques such as mindfulness, breathing exercises, nature walks, exercise, or simply stopping can help you process feelings without becoming consumed by them.

Journaling your actions, thoughts and feelings can help untangle your emotions, identify patterns of behaviour, and it can start to create clarity when your mind feels surrounded by your thoughts. 

Therapy, especially talking therapies, can provide a safe and non-judgemental space to understand yourself, where these parts originated, and what they may need.

Allow self-compassion to the parts of ourselves that emerge

Try speaking to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a family, a friend or a stranger.

Create space for conflicting emotions to coexist

As humans, we can feel hurt and hopeful at the same time. As human experiences are rarely black and white, there is some colour to it, and healing does not require you to choose just one emotion, just as oneself can have different parts.

Make peace with yourself

We all have times when a vulnerable part of ourselves emerges, but our instinct is often to overthink it, judge it, close the door on it, or simply wish it would disappear cause we can’t cope with it. We should try exploring making peace with ourselves, not about fighting parts of who we truly are, but understanding them and welcoming them into the fold like a long-lost friend or relative. 

Making peace with yourself may involve:

• Accepting that every part has a purpose, even if it no longer serves you today because it did at one point in your life, and you can honour that without rejecting it.
• Replacing self-judgment with curiosity by being open to ask the question “What is this part trying to tell me? Why are you here now?”
• Recognising that one reaction or moment does not define who you are, you are more than one thing and can be more than one thing at a time. 
• Allowing emotions to coexist as it is possible to feel both strong and vulnerable, angry and sad, hopeful and afraid. Embrace it.
• Practising self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer someone else in need.
• Embracing moments of awareness and consciousness by understanding your parts rather than not acknowledging them.

Sometimes healing is not about becoming someone different entirely, but learning and embracing to accept the different parts of yourself with greater understanding and awareness. When we meet ourselves with compassion rather than criticism, vulnerability becomes less about fear and more about self-discovery and growth.