I know why I do it, so why can't I change it?

You know you’re doing it again. Perhaps you’ve agreed to something you didn’t really want to do. You’re replaying a conversation, wondering whether you said the wrong thing. You’ve spent far too long trying to get something exactly right, or you’re giving yourself a hard time for not handling a situation differently. And the frustrating thing is that none of this is particularly new to you.

You may already understand where some of these patterns come from. You might know you learnt early on to keep other people happy, avoid conflict, achieve, stay in control, or anticipate what others needed from you. You may have read books, listened to podcasts, had therapy or coaching, and become pretty good at noticing what you do and why.

Yet, in the moment, you can still find yourself doing it.

If that sounds familiar, it doesn't mean your self-awareness has failed you. Understanding a pattern and being able to respond differently when that pattern is activated are not quite the same thing.

When insight isn't quite enough

We often approach change as though once we understand something, we should be able to stop doing it. Sometimes we can, but many of our most persistent patterns aren't simply habits we've consciously chosen. They developed for a reason.

Being highly self-critical may have helped you achieve and avoid failure. People-pleasing may have helped you maintain important relationships. Overthinking may have developed as a way of trying to anticipate problems before they happen. Keeping busy and capable may have helped you feel secure or valuable.

These ways of responding can become so familiar that they operate almost automatically. So you can genuinely know, I don't need to do this anymore, while another part of you behaves as though you very much do.

That can create an uncomfortable internal tug-of-war. One part of you wants to say no; another worries about disappointing someone. One part knows the work is good enough; another insists you check it one more time. One part wants to make a change; another immediately starts listing all the reasons it might go wrong.

Often, we respond by getting frustrated with whichever part seems to be getting in the way. We might ask, "Why can't I just stop doing this?" But what if that's not the most helpful question?

From “what's wrong with me?” to “what's happening in me?”

Internal Family Systems (IFS) starts from the idea that all of us have different parts – different aspects of ourselves that have developed particular roles, beliefs and ways of responding.

You might recognise the part of you that wants everyone to be happy, the one that pushes you to achieve, the one that worries about everything that could go wrong, or the one that tells you not to make yourself too vulnerable.

These parts aren't necessarily trying to make your life difficult. Often, they are trying to protect you. A perfectionistic part might believe that getting things right protects you from criticism. A people-pleasing part may have learnt that keeping other people happy protects your relationships. An anxious part may believe that constantly scanning for problems is the best way of keeping you safe.

Once we become curious about these responses rather than immediately trying to eliminate them, something can begin to shift. Instead of asking “How do I get rid of this?”, we can begin asking: “What is this part of me worried would happen if it stopped?” That is a very different conversation.

Creating more choice

The aim isn't to never overthink again, never feel anxious or somehow eradicate your inner critic. It's to have more choice about how you respond.

You may still notice the urge to say yes when you mean no, but have enough space to consider what you actually want before answering. You might hear the familiar voice telling you that something isn't good enough without automatically believing it. You might notice yourself anticipating everything that could go wrong and be able to distinguish between a genuine concern and an old protective response.

Over time, the relationship you have with these different parts of yourself can become less adversarial. And somewhat paradoxically, when we stop fighting with the parts of ourselves we most want to change, they can become more open to change.

You don't have to understand yourself better

Many of the people I work with are already highly reflective. They don't necessarily need someone to explain their patterns to them. 

What can be helpful is having somewhere to slow those patterns down, become curious about what sits underneath them and develop a different relationship with the parts of themselves that have been working so hard for so long.

Because sometimes the next step isn't another insight. It's finding a different way of responding to what you already know.