Why can't I stop crying? How therapy can help

"I can't stop crying, but I don't know why" is a common experience. Many people seek therapy for this exact reason, yet we don't talk about it enough. So when it happens to you, you might wonder what's 'wrong' with you, especially if you don't consider yourself an 'emotional person'.

Uncontrollable crying can be a sign of emotional exhaustion, emotional suppression or a reaction to a trigger from a trauma. Let me break it down for you.

Emotional exhaustion 

It's not uncommon to cry uncontrollably when we feel emotionally exhausted. This is way beyond one bad night's sleep – it can be an accumulation of sleep deprivation and emotional pressure that has built up. Your nervous system has been carrying too much, and eventually it can lead to depression, anxiety and burnout for some people.

In other words, because of the chronic stress and lack of recovery you've been carrying in your body, your threshold for stress has become a lot narrower and a lot more fragile. This is why you might feel very sensitive, and you may experience irritability alongside exhaustion and feeling drained.

So before you call yourself 'sensitive', 'hypersensitive' or a 'super empath', make sure that you've not simply been carrying too much for too long. If that's the case, you might need to start tweaking how you look after yourself and possibly make lifestyle changes until you recuperate and feel more like yourself.

Emotional suppression

If you tend to tell yourself that 'you're fine' all the time, that may be why you're not crying for 'no reason'. You've not been fine. Like I tell my clients, fine isn't an emotion. You may have been suppressing how you really feel about yourself or your life for a long time, and you haven't even realised it.

You've pushed it down and kept going, hoping one day you'll feel better once you've hit your goals. But certain things don't disappear even when you hit goals; sometimes it's deeper than that.

So perhaps you've been coping by telling yourself: "I just need to achieve X and I'll be fine", but that day never seems to come, no matter how much you try. And perhaps you've been carrying unprocessed pain regarding events in your life that, despite your very strong effort to push it down, still hasn't gone away. Your body may be tired of having to suppress it, so that pain is surfacing in an overwhelming way. 

Reaction to a trauma trigger

Maybe the crying is a response to a trigger. Maybe it was a conversation about a certain topic, or you went for a walk and saw something or someone that reminded you of something you'd forgotten about. And you can't stop crying since. For some people, this could be a sign that you're holding trauma in your body.

Your brain is very smart. When you go through something traumatic, it tries to protect you so you can continue functioning in everyday life. For the sake of simplification, imagine that your brain has stored that traumatic experience in a box, along with all the emotions associated with it.

You may go years without opening that box. But sometimes, all it takes is one reminder for that box to open again, bringing back feelings of injustice, anger, sadness, grief, helplessness or fear. And this can happen decades later.

So if you're wondering, "But nothing bad has happened to me recently, why am I suddenly feeling this way?" Maybe nothing bad happened recently. But perhaps something that happened 20 years ago has resurfaced because of an experience in your current life. 

And the particularity of traumatic memories is that your brain can struggle to distinguish between the past and the present when something triggers them. So although you may intellectually recognise that "this is in the past" and "I'm safe now", your brain and nervous system may still react as though you were experiencing that situation all over again.

This is why you may suddenly feel anxious or restless, find yourself crying uncontrollably, become unusually sensitive, struggle to trust others, start doubting yourself, or feel a general sense of unease without fully understanding why. That's why it can feel so intense: what belongs in the past is still being experienced as a threat in the present.

What you can do right now

First, try to notice when the crying happens. Is it when things are finally calm again? On your way home from work? As soon as your head hits the pillow at night? Because you may be so busy managing everything throughout the day that you only notice the stress and emotions you've been carrying when you finally have space to yourself.

For you, it may feel uncontrollable because you don't yet understand why it's happening. But if you reframe it as your body finally having a chance to release some of that built-up tension, rather than seeing it as a sign that something is wrong with you, it may help reduce the fear and uncertainty around the experience. This isn't a sign of weakness. It may be a sign that you've been coping with too much for too long.

So now that you're mindful of this, try to tone down the frustration towards the crying as much as you can. Because judging yourself for it only adds another layer of stress you really don't need right now. Instead, try to soothe yourself. Whether that's focusing on the warmth of a cup of tea, noticing the colours and objects around you, taking a few slow, comfortable breaths, or simply giving yourself permission to cry without immediately trying to stop it.

And once you feel a little more settled, you can start asking yourself a few questions:

• Have I been under more emotional pressure than usual lately?
• Have I been getting enough sleep and opportunities to recover?
• Is there something I've been telling myself is fine when perhaps it's not?
• Have I been putting other people's needs ahead of my own?
• Has anything happened recently that reminded me of a painful experience?
• What do I actually need right now, and what could I change to make life a little easier for myself?

How can therapy help? 

Therapy can help by identifying what is at the root of the crying and working through what's needed.

Emotional exhaustion? Then we may need to put things in place so you feel less pressure, improve rest, and perhaps make lifestyle changes to support your nervous system.

Emotional suppression? We may need to look at how you look after yourself and how your relationships are impacting you. We'd examine whether you have tendencies of putting others first whilst neglecting your own needs, struggling with setting boundaries or may have perfectionistic standards towards yourself that keep you in an ongoing state of alertness and yet never feel good enough.

Reaction to a trauma trigger? Then trauma therapy might become the priority. One treatment for trauma is EMDR therapy. We can process the memory causing the symptoms to alleviate the stress you're carrying in your body right now. 

Never dismiss uncontrollable, random crying: your body is trying to communicate with you. Please seek professional support.