Why do I feel unhappy when everything seems fine?

Feeling unhappy doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It's actually quite common to feel like you've ticked all the metaphorical boxes in life and yet also feel like there's something lacking, or that you're not being entirely authentic.

Most of us are encouraged from a young age to find a job, a house, a marriage, start a family, etc., without really reflecting on which path will be more fulfilling and bring us joy. We are told that this is the path to success. Even if you thought you consciously chose joyful paths, they may not turn out as you expected, and when they don't, we might start feeling lost.

 When your priorities and needs change

We also grow and change as we age, through life events and better understanding of ourselves, changes in friendships and relationships, and discovery of new interests. It may be that the life you were working to build a decade ago is simply not designed to bring you joy now.

The decision to make changes can be hard when you have put a lot of effort into an achievement, even if you no longer care for it. It can almost feel like a betrayal to the version of you who wanted it, which can feel very complicated to understand.

Understanding conflicting emotions

Our emotions can sometimes be better understood as some part of us trying to make itself known. Perhaps you have a very protective part, and it worries that if you relax and enjoy yourself, something bad will happen. This can lead to people feeling anxious or tense seemingly for no reason, or seeking out stressful environments. Perhaps there's a part of you that would have preferred another life path and is feeling ignored.

Many of us have an inner traveller or carefree part that wishes you spent less time focused on other goals. You may be the other way round and have chosen adventure but also crave stability. Perhaps your life looks great on paper in terms of societal expectations, and part of you is pleased about that and genuinely happy about where you find yourself, but another part may still be left feeling utterly unfulfilled.

Counselling is a good space to explore our many parts and get to know them better. 

We may also end up recognising that people are complicated, and often feel more than one way at the same time. For instance, you can love your parents and resent their choices. You can be proud of your achievements and scared for the future. You can want the best for someone and know that you need a boundary to protect yourself from them too. You are allowed to have contradictory feelings; in fact, that's very human. It makes it harder to figure out how to act, but being aware of them means you can make a more informed choice.

How counselling can support you to understand yourself

There are many reasons why we might feel unhappy when life is good, and it's natural to be frustrated when that's the case. We might take that anger out on those around us. We might also turn that irritation inwards, and this can build over time until you realise you've been tormenting yourself without telling anyone. You might feel low or out of touch with your loved ones if this feeling persists.

If you find this relatable, you might be looking for support to figure this out. This process is all about self-awareness rather than 'fixing' yourself.

And if you're worried about what you uncover, I get it. It's easy to wish you simply didn't feel a certain way. Self-awareness is not always pretty, but it can actually bring a lot more compassion towards yourself, which is important. Your relationship with yourself - how you view yourself and your self-talk makes a major impact on your wellbeing.

Together with your counsellor, you can look at the reasons behind those complicated feelings. Often, simply validating them and acknowledging them can feel profound. Whether you then choose to act in a different way is entirely up to you.

Everyone has their own reasons for feeling and behaving the way they do. A good counsellor will never judge, diagnose or impose a certain worldview on you. We are here to bring care and compassion when you're feeling low and at a loss.

You don't need to understand the problem to begin counselling, because much of what we work on may be figuring out the crux of the matter together. You also don't need a diagnosis or a GP referral to start therapy. If you feel that spending some quality time with someone who can help you better understand yourself, that's the perfect time to start.