Why boundaries feel difficult with emotionally immature parents

The label “emotionally immature parent” has recently had a surge of attention on the internet and social media, and for many, this has been a much-needed concept to help them put their experiences into words. 

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can have lasting impacts into adulthood, and many of these adult children find their relationship with their parents draining and challenging to navigate. For many, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with their parents is one of the most difficult aspects of their relationship.

What is an emotionally immature parent? 

While there are many different expressions of emotional immaturity, there are some personality traits and behaviours that emotionally immature parents tend to have in common.

These parents are often self-preoccupied, avoid emotional intimacy and lack empathy. Their thinking is often rigid and black-and-white, and it’s “their way or the highway” when navigating the world and relationships. Clients often describe their emotionally immature parents as “prickly”, struggling with any perceived criticism, and lacking self-reflection.

These parents have a hard time seeing their role in the problems they create and tend to blame others rather than admitting mistakes. They also struggle to regulate their emotions and often overreact. Once they get upset, they tend to expect others to regulate their emotions by complying with their wishes.

Setting boundaries with emotionally immature parents

The impact of growing up with an emotionally immature parent can show up in multiple ways in adulthood, many of which bring clients to therapy for the first time. As well as looking to heal from the emotional wounds of their childhood, they might struggle with their self-esteem, confidence, sense of identity and navigating their relationships.

Many have a tendency to people-please and might find it challenging to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others. Managing boundaries with their emotionally immature parent is often the hardest.

Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why this is:

Emotionally immature parents see their children as extensions of themselves

Emotionally immature parents tend to struggle to see their children as separate from themselves. In therapy, clients who grew up with such parents often describe how difficult it was to develop their own sense of identity. Attempts at individuality would create friction and conflict, as their parent was unable to tolerate differing thoughts, opinions, values and interests.

Many such parents value their children for what the child can provide, rather than being their own, separate person with their own internal and external life. Healthy boundaries, therefore, make little sense to an emotionally immature parent and attempts to establish them can quickly be seen as an attack or a betrayal.

Emotionally immature parents can resort to emotional takeovers, coercion and attacks

When they don’t get their way, emotionally immature parents are known to create situations where they can apply emotional pressure. One such way is to attempt an emotional takeover, which is defined by clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson as what happens “when an emotionally immature parent’s emotional demands override other people’s priorities and preferences” (Gibson, 2015).

Most adult children of emotionally immature parents can think of a time when their parent had a tantrum of sorts; overreacting, withdrawing, sucking the energy out of the room and eventually getting their way, despite the wishes or preferences of others. It can be very difficult to stand your ground and maintain boundaries during an emotional takeover if your default response is to soothe, calm and placate your parent.

When trying to assert your boundaries and oppose the wishes of an emotionally immature parent, they might also engage in emotional coercion. These parents tend to know exactly which buttons to push to make their children feel guilty, scared or ashamed, ultimately doubting themselves and giving in. This kind of pressure can be more indirect and difficult to identify in real time, but is impactful, nonetheless.

When being made to feel afraid or like a selfish and bad person for trying to protect yourself, your space or independence, it can be very challenging to stand your ground. This is especially true when emotional coercion becomes an emotional attack, where the parent becomes directly aggressive and punitive. Harsh criticism and cruel comments trigger emotional reactions from their children, and these parents use this reaction to gain control of the situation.

Emotionally immature parents create expectations of a non-reciprocal relationship

Learning to expect relationships to be non-reciprocal is a common experience for children of emotionally immature parents. They are used to accommodating their parents rather than expecting their own emotional needs to be met, and have learned to tolerate this rather than challenge the status quo. Sometimes, even the thought of putting themselves first feels wrong, or even shameful.

This can make healthy boundary setting challenging in any relationship, which often prompts people to seek therapy in the first place – their relationships feel unfulfilling, and they feel guilty for being unhappy. But how can you change this if you are so used to dismissing and neglecting your own emotional needs? In the context of managing the relationship with an emotionally immature parent, the first hurdle is often to identify what your needs really are, nurture your instincts and identify where your boundaries should be in the first place.

How therapy can help

If this article resonates, there are many ways working with a therapist can help when looking to set healthy boundaries and deal with the impact of an emotionally immature parent. Therapy can help you gain insight into why your parent behaves the way they do through psychoeducation and support you in developing practical skills and strategies for dealing with them – including setting self-protective and appropriate boundaries. To improve practical skills, many therapists support their clients by implementing role-playing or using an “empty chair” approach to help them practise and build confidence.

Working with a therapist can also help you become less emotionally activated when dealing with the difficult parent, making you feel more grounded, confident and in control. Clients often report that becoming familiar with and practising stepping into the role of a “detached observer” is one of the most useful skills they have taken away from their therapy. When you can resist getting sucked in by emotional coercion and attacks, the emotionally immature parent is less able to get the upper hand.

Setting healthy boundaries with emotionally immature parents is not about punishing them, but about you protecting yourself, your space, energy and time. Boundaries are part of healthy relationships, and wanting to set boundaries with your parent does not make you mean, selfish or difficult. It makes you reasonable, healthy and emotionally mature, and it is your right – even when it feels difficult to do so.