When your teen’s style makes you cringe (a little)

Our teenage years are when we really start working out our identity – who we are. Experimenting with our appearance is very much a part of self-expression. Trying out different versions of themselves helps your teen figure out who they truly are. These years are also a time when we are very aware of our peers as we try to find our 'tribe' and gain a sense of belonging. When we think about various youth subcultures of the past, such as goths, punks, and emo kids, we can see that there is a very clear identity that can be seen in terms of dress and appearance.

You may remember being told, 'You're not going out dressed like that' or 'You'll freeze – put a coat on!' – it's nothing new, but it can still come as a shock to hear these words coming out of your mouth, or at least to catch yourself thinking 'What are they wearing?!'

You may find yourself struggling with feelings of protectiveness and worry, fearing that your child's choices reflect poorly on them (and you). It can also trigger clashes in values, evoke fears about safety, or raise concerns about children growing up too quickly.

What's typical vs. when to worry

Things like short skirts, crop tops, dyed hair, and piercings are usually a natural phase that they will grow out of and are not cause for alarm. Even bold self-expression is part of how they explore who they are, and it's an essential part of growing up.

Things to gently keep an eye on might include:

• Sudden or dramatic changes in appearance that seem out of character.
• Frequently seeking reassurance or approval – for example, regularly asking if they "look OK" or needing validation on outfits or social media posts.
• Making self-critical comments like "I'm ugly" or "I'll never look like them."
• Avoiding social situations unless they feel they 'look perfect,' suggesting their self-worth is closely tied to appearance.
• Using dramatic styles, heavy makeup, or specific looks as a kind of mask or armour.
• Body image struggles that affect mood, confidence, or behaviour.
• Appearance choices that seem more about fitting in or avoiding rejection than about expressing their personality or preferences.

Many young people draw inspiration from influencers or trends on social media, and it can be hard not to compare. It's often a key factor in style, comparison, and self-esteem.

How to keep cool and stay connected

• Focus on curiosity over criticism by asking why they like a particular style or what it means to them, for example, "I noticed you've gone for a different look – tell me more about it"
• Avoid shaming, name-calling, or power struggles over clothing choices.
• Talk about safety and practicalities (like piercing care, weather-appropriate clothing) rather than making it about "decency" or morality. 

Young people need to learn that they have the right to wear what makes them feel comfortable, regardless of others' opinions or reactions to their choices.

Setting boundaries with compassion

It's OK to have some boundaries, but explain them in ways that prioritise safety, health, or context (like school rules), rather than controlling their body. And, as ever, pick your battles – is the length of a skirt or a pair of socks really a hill worth dying on?

Where are your reactions coming from?

Is this really about your teen's well-being, or is what you're feeling influenced by your own experiences? Reflecting on the messages you received about clothing, modesty, and appearance during your childhood can be helpful. And, importantly, remember that it's OK for you to have a reaction; the goal, however, is to respond rather than react. 

Encouraging your teen's self-expression doesn't mean abandoning all boundaries. You can support their self-expression and sense of independence while helping them build self-respect and make choices they feel good about in the long run. Maintaining open communication and staying curious will help them feel confident in who they are becoming. By remaining calm and connected, you can be with them through this phase without letting clothing choices come between you.

And remember that most teens grow out of the "shock factor" phase. Keep your focus on your connection with your child – a strong, positive relationship matters far more than clothing choices.

If you're struggling to navigate your teen's changing appearance or feeling uncertain about how to respond, you're not alone. This is something that can be explored through counselling, either in a single session or through ongoing support. You'll feel more confident, calm and connected with your teen.