When people are forced to conform – A counsellor’s perspective

In my work as a counsellor, I’ve seen time and again how individuals with extraordinary talents are pressured to reshape themselves to fit someone else’s expectations. It’s a reality I’ve encountered across creative industries, professional careers, and even in personal relationships. The constant pressure to conform to an external vision of “who you should be” is something many of us, consciously or unconsciously, can relate to.

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For actors, this concept is literal. Their craft requires them to mould themselves into strangers adopting accents, mannerisms, and motivations far removed from their own personalities. While this is a celebrated part of their profession, I can’t help but notice the emotional cost of applying this expectation outside their work. When talent becomes a commodity shaped by the beliefs of others, it can strip away the very essence of what made that person remarkable in the first place.


Actors becoming strangers to themselves

Take Daniel Radcliffe, for example. Known worldwide as Harry Potter, he was thrust into the spotlight as “the chosen one” for a generation of fans. But when the series ended, Radcliffe found himself defined by that one role. The pressure to break free of the wizard-shaped mould was immense. In response, he threw himself into quirky, unconventional projects a farting corpse in Swiss Army Man and a man with guns bolted to his hands in Guns Akimbo.

These weren’t just roles; they were acts of rebellion, statements that he refused to be reduced to one idea of who he should be. Still, I often wonder about the toll that constant reinvention takes on actors like Radcliffe. While we admire their ability to disappear into other people’s lives, do we ever stop to think about the impact of losing connection with their own identities?

This pressure isn’t unique to actors, though.


Conforming in the workplace

I’ve had clients in other fields who experience a similar kind of identity erosion. One striking example involved a graphic designer who was hired by a prestigious London agency. She entered the role brimming with creative ideas and the drive to innovate. But before long, she found herself confined to tweaking templates and making small adjustments to meet “client expectations.”

Her natural creativity the very thing that got her the job was slowly diluted by rigid systems and unspoken rules about how to “fit in.” She came to me feeling disillusioned, no longer sure of her own value. The excitement she once felt about her work had given way to frustration and a growing sense of invisibility.

This story, unfortunately, is all too common. Whether it’s actors on stage or employees in an office, the demand to conform can leave people feeling like they’re no longer themselves just a version of what someone else wants them to be.

The British obsession with fitting in

Here in the UK, I believe this pressure to conform runs deeper than we might think. There’s a cultural undercurrent of “not rocking the boat,” an expectation to stay within certain boundaries.

Take a singer with a unique, eccentric style who auditions for The X Factor. Judges praise their originality, but it’s often the contestants who “tone it down” or make their sound more commercial who progress furthest in the competition. The message is clear: you can be different, but only if it fits the mould of what others think is marketable or palatable.

The emotional cost of conforming

When talented individuals are constantly forced to reshape themselves, it can lead to burnout, loss of passion, and even identity crises. I’ve worked with clients who describe feeling like strangers to themselves, unsure of who they are when they strip away everyone else’s expectations

Even Olivia Colman, one of the UK’s most celebrated actresses, has spoken about her struggles with imposter syndrome. Despite her immense talent, she’s admitted to feeling like a fraud at times. I wonder if this stems, at least in part, from the very nature of her work: inhabiting other people’s lives so convincingly that she risks losing sight of her own.

The same is true in other professions. I’ve met clients who suppress their individuality to fit into company cultures or social groups. Over time, this takes a toll on their self-esteem and sense of purpose. They become disconnected from the parts of themselves that once brought them joy and fulfilment.


A better way: Nurturing originality

What if, instead of forcing people to fit into predefined boxes, we celebrated their uniqueness and nurtured their natural talents? This isn’t just a hopeful ideal it’s a necessity. Industries thrive on innovation, and innovation comes from individuals who dare to think differently.

In the acting world, we’ve seen this with talents like Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Her unapologetically raw and unique storytelling in Fleabag didn’t just entertain—it redefined British television. She succeeded not by conforming to an existing mold but by breaking it entirely.

I’ve also noticed a shift in workplaces embracing flexibility and encouraging employees to bring their “whole selves” to work. These environments allow individuals to feel valued for who they are, not just for how well they can fit someone else’s expectations.


Finding yourself again

In my counselling work, I often help people reconnect with their authentic selves after years of feeling pressured to conform. It’s a process of unlearning the belief that you must be someone else to succeed and rediscovering the unique strengths that set you apart.

Talents shouldn’t have to shrink to fit someone else’s belief of who they should be. Whether on stage, in the office, or in everyday life, we need to nurture originality and celebrate individuality. After all, it’s those who dare to be different, who refuse to mould themselves into strangers who often leave the biggest mark.

If you feel like you’ve lost touch with your true self, take heart. There’s a way back to authenticity, and it starts with letting go of the mould that others have tried to shape you into. Sometimes, being yourself is the most powerful rebellion of all.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Denbigh, Denbighshire, LL16 5AE
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Written by Debbie Crew
MBACP Clinical Supervisor
location_on Denbigh, Denbighshire, LL16 5AE
I have over 20 years of experience of working with young people and adults from disadvantaged backgrounds. As a Qualified Counsellor and Life Coach and an award-winning campaigner on social injustice. I have a personal interest in the emotional impac...
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