What to do before talking to your partner about non-monogamy

Imagine this scenario: You finally work up the courage to tell your partner you want to explore non-monogamy. They ask "why?" and you freeze. Then you start rambling through half-formed thoughts, and the conversation goes pear-shaped.

What happened? You went in unprepared. Which means that before you have “The Talk”, there's some work to do. What kind? Well, you know all the research you’ve done about polyamory? All the articles and videos you’ve collected to send to your partner? I invite you to put that all to one side for a second and pick up a different book instead.

Get a journal (seriously)

Putting a physical pen to paper can feel therapeutic. You can write without filter, pause, cross things out and squeeze tiny words above what you just crossed out. Let it be messy!

If writing isn't your thing, use your notes app or record voice memos. Whatever works. The idea is to get your thoughts out of your head, somewhere you can actually look at them. The point of this is you’re getting to see your thought process in real-time and the feelings that come up for you in the moment. 

I’ll give you a personal example. You know when people talk about wanting someone to be their soulmate, best friend, lover, therapist, confidant and so on? I’d always heard that and thought, damn, I don’t even want to be all those things for one person – let alone expecting that of them. Some people relish the thought, and fair enough. To me, it feels like too much pressure.

Non-monogamy lets me choose what relational needs I want met, and want to meet, across different intimate/romantic connections. I feel I can show up better to those connections as a result. That’s what I discovered the idea of “freedom” in my relationship(s) means to me.

This process can give you useful insight, as you’re getting a sense of what is easy or hard for you to talk about, even with yourself. What feels scary and what you’re excited about. From there, I encourage you to really start interrogating your ‘why’. What makes you want this? What are you actually seeking?

You don't have to have it all figured out, and you don't have to figure it all out on your own. If you're finding it difficult to get clarity or you keep coming up against the same blocks, counselling can help. A counsellor with experience in non-monogamy can help you work through what you're actually seeking, what needs aren't being met, and whether non-monogamy is genuinely something you want or a response to something else. It's a space to dig into these questions without judgment before involving your partner.

Are you running towards or away?

Ready for an uncomfortable question? Are you interested in non-monogamy because there’s a genuine desire to do relationships differently, or because something in your current relationship isn't working?

If your relationship is struggling, the communication's broken down, the intimacy's gone, or you're feeling disconnected…non-monogamy won't fix that. It's more likely to make things worse. Opening your relationship isn't a solution to problems within it. It's a different way of doing relationships that requires solid foundations.

Be honest: are you hoping this will bring excitement back? Are you looking for validation elsewhere because you're not getting it from your partner? If the answer to questions like these is yes, it’s worth addressing that first.

Name your fears

Write them down. All of them, even the ones that feel silly. 

What are you afraid will happen when you bring this up with your partner? Are you scared they’ll make a beeline for the exit? That they'll think you don't love them? Maybe they'll assume you're already cheating? Or perhaps they'll just say yes to this out of fear of losing you, then resent you later.

You could be afraid of what wanting this says about you. Does it mean you're selfish? Incapable of committing seriously to one thing? Only thinking about sex? Perhaps you’re broken in some way?

Acknowledging these fears doesn't magic them away, but it does mean you're less likely to be blindsided mid-conversation. When your partner gets upset, you won't spiral into "everything is falling apart." You'll recognise it as "my partner is upset, which I knew might happen, and I can handle this."

Check your expectations

Expectations can set you up for disappointment even when things go well, for example, thinking that if you just present it the right way – calmly, rationally – your partner will definitely agree.

They might need time. They might say no. They might say yes, but have a completely different version of non-monogamy in mind. They might react in ways you didn't predict. None of that means the conversation failed; it just didn't play out exactly how you scripted it. Which, really, it rarely does.

This work isn't wasted

Even if the conversation goes badly – your partner says no, or gets upset, or needs time you're not sure you can give – this preparation isn't wasted. You've learned something about yourself, about what you want and why it matters. That's valuable regardless of what happens next.

And if the conversation does go well? You'll be better equipped to navigate it, since you won't be scrambling for answers or saying things you don't mean because you haven't thought it through. The conversation will still be hard, but you'll be going into it clearer on what you want. 

So before you sit your partner down for "The Talk", do the work first. Get the journal out. Dig into your why. Name your fears. Check your expectations. Figure out if you're running towards something or away from something. Then, when you're ready, have the conversation.