Understanding social anxiety in women and their middle years

Have you ever found yourself dreading a phone call or hesitating to reply to a message? Or maybe you have ducked into another aisle at the supermarket just to avoid small talk or eye contact?

Yes, of course, we may all feel shy or awkward from time to time. But there is a difference between occasional self-consciousness and the persistent, consuming experience of social anxiety, particularly for women navigating midlife.

If you live with social anxiety, it is not just a passing discomfort. It is a debilitating fear of being judged, criticised, and humiliated in social situations.

While a little social anxiety can actually be helpful for us to stay alert and navigate unfamiliar environments, when that anxiety begins to interfere with daily life and our ability to engage in everyday social interactions, it becomes something else entirely.

Take something as simple as a party invitation. Most people might feel a mix of anticipation and excitement. However, for someone with social anxiety, it can trigger anxious thoughts and feelings.

• Before the event: "What if I say something awkward? What if I freeze?" These anxious "what-ifs" often lead to cancelling plans. That brings short-term relief, which reinforces the long-term struggle with anxiety.
• During the event: "What if they notice how anxious I am? What if someone asks me a question and I go blank?" Cue shaky hands, sweaty palms, and a racing heart.
• After the event: "Did I say something stupid? Did I embarrass myself?" The mind replays the event in a loop, picking apart every interaction, sometimes for hours and even days.

Exhausting, isn't it?

To recognise social anxiety, it needs to be understood that it is not about being weak or lacking confidence. It is often an invisible challenge that is prevalent and deserves awareness and compassion.

Many of my clients have courageously shared how overwhelming it can be to do what most of us take for granted: speak in meetings, attend social events, or even go to a class. Interestingly, while social anxiety affects people of all genders, research indicates it is more commonly reported by women (Kessler et al., 1994; Asher et al., 2017). So why is this the case?

Why women? Gendered layers of social anxiety

Social anxiety often has deeper roots, shaped by personal experiences and reinforced by powerful societal messages. As Brown (2018) highlights, the psychological development of women is profoundly influenced by social, cultural, and relational forces, including the internalisation of expectations around appearance, likability, and competence.

From an early age, girls often receive direct and indirect messages that they must be all things at once: good, attractive, agreeable, and capable. These impossible standards create an ongoing cycle of self-doubt, self-criticism, and perfectionism, which can contribute to chronic anxiety in social settings.

According to Fredrickson and Roberts' (1997) Objectification Theory, girls learn to view themselves through the lens of others. This internalised gaze leads to heightened self-awareness, body shame, and persistent anxiety about how they are perceived. It's no surprise, then, that many women feel "on stage" even in everyday situations, constantly worried about how they are perceived by others.

Emotional socialisation plays a role too. Women are often taught to internalise difficult emotions, anger especially, as it is frequently discouraged and judged harshly in girls and women. While men may be more likely to express emotions outwardly, women are typically expected to suppress their feelings. This emotional containment compounds their anxiety, especially in public or social situations.

Early life events also leave their mark: teasing, struggles with body image, and feeling dismissed and silenced can erode one's sense of safety and belonging. These experiences may create emotional residue that makes social interaction feel risky and overwhelming, long after childhood.

Midlife, menopause, and mental load

For women in their 40s, 50s, and beyond, life rarely slows down as they juggle many roles: mother, wife, daughter, partner, carer, and employee. Each role comes with a set of expectations.

Trying to meet them all can create a heavy mental load.

For women in their middle years, when responsibilities tend to increase, the fear of not being "enough" in any one area can intensify. Social situations can then become emotionally charged spaces, where the fear of saying the wrong thing, appearing awkward, or being misunderstood can feel unbearable.

Add to this the physiological shifts of perimenopause and menopause, fluctuating hormones that impact mood, confidence, and energy levels, and it is easy to see how social anxiety can escalate. For some women, the thought of speaking up in a meeting or going to a gathering can feel physically and emotionally exhausting.

Social settings may become emotionally charged spaces, where the risk of saying something "wrong" or appearing awkward feels unbearable. And afterwards, the mental replay begins: "Did I talk too much? Did I seem nervous? Did I embarrass myself?" This cycle of rumination is a hallmark of social anxiety.

How social anxiety affects women's lives:

• Avoiding social events, networking, or public speaking.
• Struggling to form or maintain friendships.
• Career setbacks due to fear of visibility or performance.
• Persistent self-criticism and low self-esteem.
• Exhaustion from constant mental rumination.

It's not uncommon for women to shrink their world just to cope: saying no to opportunities, keeping their cameras off in Zoom meetings, or isolating themselves socially. It is not that they do not want a connection; it is that the emotional discomfort feels too overwhelming.

Finding support and strategies for women

Social anxiety is not just shyness. It is a misunderstood struggle that can cast a shadow over daily life.

But here is the good news: with the right understanding, strategies, and support, you can take back control and learn to manage or overcome your anxiety.

1. Gentle exposure and gradual steps

Facing social fears slowly, rather than avoiding them, can help reduce anxiety over time. Start small: reply in a group chat, attend a low-pressure event, or speak briefly in a meeting. Each small step builds confidence.

2. Reframe negative thoughts

Notice self-critical thoughts like "I'll sound stupid" or "They'll think I'm boring." Ask yourself: Would I say that to a friend? Replace harsh inner dialogue with supportive self-talk.

3. Try journaling

Journaling can be a powerful way to process social fears, challenge unhelpful beliefs, and track progress. Writing before and after social events can help you identify thought patterns and celebrate growth.

4. Mindfulness and breathing techniques

Simple practices like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness meditation can help ground you in the present and ease physical symptoms of anxiety.

5. Connect with supportive groups

Women's support groups, whether online or in person, can provide a safe and validating space. Many women find relief in knowing they are not alone. Look for local or virtual meetups, therapeutic support circles, or social anxiety forums tailored for women.

Seeking professional help

Counselling can offer a safe space to explore the roots of social anxiety, challenge negative beliefs, and build confidence. Therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) are especially effective.

For those who are not comfortable with face-to-face sessions, many therapists offer phone, video, or email-based counselling, allowing you to engage at a pace that feels safe.

A therapist will tailor the process to your comfort level and needs, gradually supporting you in facing social challenges.

If you or someone you care about is struggling with any of the above, please know you are not alone, and support is available. Social anxiety can feel isolating, but with understanding, compassion, and the right support, it is absolutely possible to manage and overcome social anxiety.