Understanding defence mechanisms in preoccupied attachment

Do you constantly worry and overthink everything others say, convinced your friends or partner are losing interest? Or maybe you go all-in on relationships but then pull back just as quickly, feeling overwhelmed? If this sounds familiar, you might have a preoccupied attachment style, and your mind has likely developed some crafty defence mechanisms to cope with the emotional rollercoaster.

The problem? These defences might be protecting you from pain, but they’re also keeping you stuck in a cycle of anxiety, self-doubt, and strained relationships. Let’s explore what preoccupied attachment is, the key defences it creates, and how you can start breaking free.

What is preoccupied attachment?

Preoccupied (or anxious-preoccupied) attachment is one of the four main attachment styles, shaped by early relationships, usually with caregivers. If you have this attachment style, chances are you experienced inconsistent caregiving. Sometimes your emotional needs were met, but other times they were ignored, leaving you uncertain about whether love and support would be there when you needed it. This leads to an internalised belief that love is unreliable and that one must work hard to keep it.

As a result, you may feel deeply connected to others but also fear abandonment and rejection. Your emotions tend to be intense, and relationships can feel all-consuming, especially when you sense distance from someone you care about. The result? A constant push-pull dynamic, fuelled by defence mechanisms designed to protect you from emotional pain.

Common defence mechanisms in preoccupied attachment

Here are some common ways people with a preoccupied attachment style unconsciously defend themselves, and why these defences often do more harm than good.

1. Overanalysing and mind-reading

Have you ever spent hours decoding a vague text or change in someone’s tone? If you have a preoccupied attachment style, your brain is wired to scan for threats, often reading between the lines in ways that aren’t helpful.

Why? Inconsistency in childhood taught you that relationships can be unpredictable. Overanalysing is your way of trying to regain control, but it often leads to unnecessary stress and misunderstandings.

How it backfires: You may interpret neutral or even positive interactions as signs of impending rejection, making you act out or withdraw unnecessarily.

2. People-pleasing and over-attuning

Do you go out of your way to keep the peace even at your own expense? Many with preoccupied attachments become highly attuned to others’ emotions, anticipating their needs before they’re voiced.

Why? Growing up, you may have learned that love and security were conditional. If you could make yourself indispensable, maybe you’d never be abandoned.

How it backfires: You might overextend yourself, neglect your needs, and eventually feel resentful when your efforts aren’t reciprocated. This can create an unhealthy power dynamic where you’re always the giver, and others take advantage of that.

3. Emotional flooding and impulsivity

When you feel anxious in a relationship, does your reaction feel big and immediate, like you need reassurance right now or you’ll spiral?

Why? As a child, your emotions may not have been consistently soothed, so as an adult, your nervous system goes into panic mode when you feel distant in a relationship. Your brain registers disconnection as an emergency.

How it backfires: This often leads to clingy behaviours, impulsive texting, or emotional outbursts that push people away, reinforcing your fear of abandonment.

4. Fantasy bonding

Have you ever felt more attached to the idea of someone than to who they are? Fantasy bonding is when you form an idealised emotional connection before truly knowing the person. It’s often based on hope, projection, or wishful thinking rather than reality.

Why? It allows you to feel emotionally connected to another person even if the actual relationship lacks depth, consistency, or mutual commitment. It soothes anxiety in the short term by making the relationship feel safer and more secure than it is. However, it comes at a cost.

How it backfires: You may rush into relationships or overlook red flags, only to feel heartbroken when reality doesn’t match your expectations.

5. Self-sabotaging behaviours

You crave closeness, but when you get it, do you suddenly feel overwhelmed and start pulling away? Maybe you nitpick, test your partner’s commitment, or create drama, without fully understanding why.

Why? Your nervous system is used to inconsistency, so stable, healthy love might feel boring or suspicious. Subconsciously, you create instability because that’s what feels familiar.

How it backfires: The very thing you want, secure love, becomes difficult to maintain because your defence mechanisms keep sabotaging it.

How to start overcoming these defences

Recognising these defence mechanisms is the first step. The next step is to break the cycle so you can build healthier, more secure relationships. Here’s how:

1. Increase self-awareness

Start by noticing your patterns. The next time you catch yourself spiralling into overanalysis or craving instant reassurance, pause. Ask yourself: Is this fear based on reality, or am I reacting to past wounds?

2. Build emotional regulation skills

Grounding techniques like deep breathing, journaling, or movement can be helpful when you are feeling anxious. Learning to self-soothe reduces the urge to seek external validation.

3. Set healthy boundaries

If you’re a people-pleaser, practice small acts of saying “no” or asking for what you need. Boundaries don’t push people away; they create space for mutual care.

4. Challenge negative beliefs about love

If stable love feels ‘boring’, or uncomfortable or you assume people will leave, challenge that belief. Notice examples of secure, steady connections in your life. Not all love is unpredictable.

5. Work on secure attachment habits

Slow down in relationships. Allow yourself to get to know people before investing. Build trust through consistent, reciprocal actions, not fantasy or anxiety-driven impulses.

If you recognise yourself in these defence mechanisms, don’t be discouraged. They’re not a sign of weakness, they’re survival strategies you developed to protect yourself. But now, as an adult, you have the power to shift towards healthier patterns.

Healing preoccupied attachment isn’t about becoming less emotional; it’s about learning to navigate your emotions without fear controlling your relationships. With self-awareness, emotional regulation, and intentional connection, you can move towards secure and fulfilling relationships without the constant anxiety.