Understanding and managing controlling relationships 

Being a ‘controlling’ person is more common than we might think. Most of us are ‘controlling’ to some degree, such as when we insist on things being a certain way in the house or when we have an excessive checklist of things we need to feel content. 

Some controlling behaviour therefore is understandable and we can quite easily forgive it in our other half when it occurs. If they are open to feedback, we might gently guide them to see things from another perspective, and to this degree the relationship can be used as good scaffolding for personal development. 

Dynamics of controlling relationships 

Controlling behaviour becomes more problematic however when it is focused on someone’s partner and perhaps things they do that the controlling person finds difficult to tolerate. 

This can be very confusing for their other half. They might wonder if their behaviour is legitimately irritating (is leaving the dishes in the sink once in a while really that bad?) and, if it happens often enough, they begin to doubt themselves and their self-confidence may suffer.

The other thing that might happen is that they resist, giving more ammunition for their partner to use against them. ‘You always argue with me’, or ‘You never admit when you’re wrong’ are examples of things someone with a controlling personality might say. 

What is important here is that the person who feels they are on the receiving end of controlling behaviour examines what is really going on. Was the comment made as a polite request about something which though perhaps might not seem like a big deal to you, could still be important for them, or was it a remark made in which there is no room for negotiation? If you were to respond calmly with another perspective, would they still react angrily? If so, they are exhibiting controlling behaviour. 

How to deal with controlling behaviour in a partner

On occasions where controlling behaviour appears in your partner (an obsession with ‘getting things a particular way’ for example), it’s very important not to get drawn into a fight with them. Do not let your own need to be ‘right’ (which is ironically controlling behaviour in you!) run the show. Instead, take a step back, stay calm, and gently explain to your partner that you have a different view of things. 

If he or she is open to discussion, they will listen to you (without arguing) and then perhaps offer a few more points from their perspective. You will do the same in turn, and the dialogue will flow. It may be that you come to realise both of you were right, and you might even laugh or celebrate your differences as endearing quirks which make you, you. 

In some cases, a partner is not open to discussion, no matter how calm and rational you are in response to their behaviour. They do not seem to have the ability to see there is another perspective (yours!) and when it comes to this point, you might want to ask yourself if you are willing to be in a relationship with someone who can’t value or respect your opinions. 

As controlling behaviour is so often the norm in our society, many of us find it hard to feel justified in leaving a partner who exhibits these traits. We may have grown up in households or environments where rules were to be obeyed without question and we find it hard to say ‘no’ now as adults. 

We might also think we can ‘help’ or ‘fix’ our partner. To a degree we are right. Through good communication, people can change and see things differently. However, this is only if the other person is open to it. It is not possible to help someone who doesn’t want to change (as most therapists will know!)

How therapy can help

Through therapy, you and your partner can learn to communicate in a way which can give you both the best chance for growth as individuals and as a couple. Many therapists (myself included) offer couples counselling, which can help establish healthier communication and space to resolve and understand conflict and differences.

Individual therapy can help by building your self-esteem and assertiveness skills, helping you to see yourself as a person of significant worth and value. This can give you the confidence to put boundaries in place with a partner who is exhibiting controlling behaviour (making it clear what you will not accept from them) or, if it comes to it, the courage and strength to say goodbye.

No one likes feeling they are being controlled, and actually, underneath it all, no one likes feeling they have to be controlling! It always comes from a place of insecurity, and so having compassion, understanding (and a healthy discussion) about a person’s challenging behaviour is usually the best way forward.

Where this does not seem possible, or when the partner refuses to acknowledge any need to change, however, we must make an important decision. We cannot force another to get help, go to therapy or be any different than what they are right now. But while we cannot (and must not) try and control others, we certainly can make enormous changes in our own lives. It can start right here.