Why we make the same relationship mistakes over and over again

You have met someone new. It feels different, exciting, hopeful. This might be the relationship that finally works. Then, as time passes, you feel it slowly shifting away, from its promising beginning into something else.

It’s hard to put your finger on what seems to be happening, even though it feels oddly familiar. Perhaps you find yourself working harder to keep the relationship going, or maybe you feel a distance growing between yourself and your new partner. The relationship that was supposed to be different, somehow isn’t. 

Why we keep playing the same roles in relationships 

It can be tempting to think that we are all drawn towards a particular ‘type’ and that this is why our relationships tend to have a similar outcome. There may be something in that, but what if it isn’t the whole story? Perhaps it isn’t all down to your choice in partner, but it’s how you respond to being in a relationship that keeps repeating itself.

You might find yourself slipping into ways of relating that seem oddly reminiscent of previous relationships. Have you noticed yourself falling into a caretaking role, where you feel responsible for your partner’s feelings, while taking less care of your own? Perhaps you become aware that whenever there’s conflict, you clam up. Or maybe a familiar power imbalance is appearing again.

While the relationship may have begun differently, these same old patterns can emerge again, often when you have become emotionally invested.

Circumstances may change, but the emotional experience remains

Most people do not consciously choose to be in a relationship that leaves them feeling hurt, rejected or unfulfilled. Often, what we are looking for in a relationship is someone whose values reflect our own, such as being kind, caring and respectful. So it can be confusing when our conscious wishes do not seem to align with the relationship choices we have made. 

It might lead us to question why we keep finding ourselves in the same place. Although each relationship may have begun differently, over time we can find ourselves slipping back into familiar ways of relating, even when it no longer serves us.

Familiarity versus happiness

Your earliest relationships can continue to influence how you connect with others as you grow up and become an adult. It's not that you are deliberately seeking to feel sad or rejected, but some behavioural patterns might reinforce long-held beliefs you hold about yourself, others and relationships. So while familiarity is not the same as happiness, you may find reassurance in the repetition of behaviour, even as it leads towards disappointment.

The challenge, if you want to change, is that something new will feel uncomfortable. If you are used to associating affection with uncertainty, striving or emotional distance, then the absence of drama, consistency or emotional availability can feel unsettling. You might be mistaking familiarity for chemistry, or intensity for intimacy. 

The experience of not being fully seen or working hard to gain approval might have been going on unnoticed for some time, and you may only become aware of it in hindsight.

Insight is the first step towards changing

Of course, recognising when you’re repeating past behaviour is important to being able to change your behaviour. Even with insight, it can still be challenging, as you may be aware that the relationship you’re in is not meeting your needs but still feel strongly attached to it.

If you’ve been in several unhappy relationships, this might affect how you feel about yourself. The fact that this has happened many times may even make you think you’re responsible for what keeps happening. Over time, this could make you feel hopeless, self-critical, or even ashamed.

Breaking the cycle

While some are able to work through their relating habits alone, it can be hard to do so. Understanding something intellectually is different from experiencing it emotionally, which is necessary to bring about change. Therapy can help bring these hidden dynamics to light, transforming what feels like an inevitable relationship trap into view. 

Psychodynamic psychotherapy, in particular, will help you look at your past relationships to see what patterns are emerging in your present relationships. Inevitably, these relating patterns will begin to show up inside the therapy room itself, giving you the opportunity to see and examine them alongside the therapist. While facing these habits directly can feel challenging, working with an experienced therapist in a safe and supportive space is how you can begin to experience and navigate the pressure differently.

The aim of therapy is not to blame the past, but to help you understand how your early experiences have influenced your current behaviours. Psychodynamic psychotherapy can help you to understand yourself, which can give you choices and new ways of relating to others.

The answer might not be to find a different partner, but to discover a different way of being in a relationship.