Understanding and forgiving our parents

Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing, and nowhere is this more relevant than in the journey to forgive our parents. This process, while often difficult, can open the door to so much peace. As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how understanding and forgiving our parents can change how we feel about every part of our lives, and I’ve experienced it myself in ways that have changed my perspective forever.

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Recognising the shadows of our past

It wasn’t until my therapist began asking me questions about my parents’ childhoods that I realised my childhood wasn’t as happy as I’d always believed. On the surface, everything seemed normal. My family wasn’t chaotic; we had structure, stability, and security. On paper, nothing was wrong. But that, I’ve come to understand, was the biggest problem.

My parents knew what they wanted their family to look like — stable, safe, and free from the struggles they faced. They succeeded in creating that image, but they didn’t know how to create a family that felt emotionally healthy. This gap — the one no one notices because it’s invisible — went unaddressed until therapy brought it to light.

The weight of unresolved pain

Unpacking these truths wasn’t easy. It reshaped my relationship with my mum, which I’d always considered strong and positive. For a time, it felt strained and messy. But the work had to be done for me to grow and find happiness. Understanding our parents’ childhoods is vital to forgiving them. It allows us to see their humanity and recognise that they did the best they could with the tools they had.

I’ve been fortunate that my mum is open about her past, and through conversations, I’ve come to understand my dad’s story more deeply too.

I’ve had to accept that, although my parents are older than me, they don’t have the same level of emotional intelligence. That can be hard to navigate at times and I am very careful with what I share with them and when I need to have boundaries, my therapist has really supported me to get good at this. But the alternative — cutting them out of my life —isn’t the right choice for me, even though I know it is for some people.

The older they get, the more I notice the cracks. Their unaddressed trauma is becoming harder to ignore, yet neither of them is willing to face it. My mum, in particular, clings to the idea that ‘you just get more anxious as you get older.’ I often say to her, ‘You could be so much happier if you spoke to someone.’ But she has a fixed mindset and chooses a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

It’s sad, really. For some people, if you’ve never truly felt happy, you don’t even know what you’re missing.


Their stories, their struggles

My dad’s story is one of resilience against unimaginable odds. Growing up in Zimbabwe during apartheid, he was one of nine children in a family living in extreme poverty. At 15, he was sent alone to England to study, leaving behind a childhood marked by loss and hardship. His parents — my grandparents — passed away when he was still so young, and he was left to navigate life on his own. Mental health wasn’t something he had the luxury to consider, let alone address.

My mum’s early life was equally challenging. Born to an unmarried mother in the 1950s, she was placed into care immediately after birth. Though later raised by her grandmother’s sister, her life was marked by instability and the inconsistent presence of her own mother. It’s no wonder she’s struggled with dreaming or letting herself get excited; she’d been let down too many times.

The lens of parenthood

When I became a parent, I began to see my parents in a completely different light. It’s clear to me now that they weren’t able to give me a happy childhood because they didn’t know how to be happy themselves. They met at 19, perhaps out of necessity rather than love, and set out to create the stable family they never had. For that, I’ll always be grateful.

But stability without joy is not enough. COVID took a significant toll on my dad’s mental health, and as he’s grown older, he’s become more disillusioned with life. My mum, on the other hand, seems to be learning and growing, slowly embracing what happiness might look like for her.


Forgiveness as freedom

Understanding their stories is the easy bit, accepting their behaviour is a lot harder, and it's something I support a lot of clients to do. It’s helped me recognise what I want to do differently and what truly matters to me as a parent. From them, I’ve learned what not to do and how to prioritise my own happiness, because I didn’t grow up with parents who modelled what joy looked like and I really want my kids to grow up and say they had the happiest childhoods.

I believe we either win or we learn. From my parents, I’ve learned so much about resilience, survival, and the importance of mental health. They did the best they could with what they knew. Now, I’m doing my best with what I know, and I’m sure my children will one day point out the ways I got it wrong too. But I hope they’ll also recognise that I’m doing my best — and that they’ll forgive me for my mistakes.

Forgiveness isn’t about condoning or excusing harm; it’s about freeing ourselves from the weight of resentment. By understanding and forgiving our parents, we can unlock so much joy, not just for ourselves but for the generations that come after us. It’s a gift that ripples through time, creating space for healing, growth, and love.

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This article was written with AI-assisted technologies and has been reviewed and edited with human oversight, in accordance with our AI policy.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Brighton BN42 & Hove BN3
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Written by Natasha Nyeke
MBACP, Couples, Family Issues, Anxiety, Self esteem
location_on Brighton BN42 & Hove BN3
Natasha Nyeke is a Therapist, Mindset coach and couples counsellor. She has a background in family work and understanding early attachments and specialises in Maternal mental health and relationships after kids. Natasha also has a podcast- The Imp...
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