The complexities of mother-daughter relationships explained

Relationships can often feel complicated in their unique ways. However, the bond between mums and their daughters has a special complexity that deserves recognition.

The media, films, and TV often oversimplify mother-daughter relationships as very close or extremely tense. However, understanding the underlying factors can help you navigate these relationships.

Factors influencing mother-daughter relationships

Mother-daughter relationships are profoundly fulfilling and often characterised by unique challenges and complexities. The dynamic continually shifts and changes from childhood through adolescence into adulthood and is shaped by biological, psychological, and social influences. Understanding these can help you and your daughter build a stronger, more empathetic relationship. 

The biological and psychological bond

Mums and daughters can experience a particular connection stemming from the shared experiences of pregnancy and childbirth. This biological and psychological bond is powerful, helping you understand and empathise with each other's feelings and actions.

However, this closeness can also lead to high expectations and intense emotions, contributing to the complexity of the relationship.

Identity and independence

As your daughter grows up, she develops her unique identity. To do this, she must start separating from you. This desire and need for independence can lead to conflict, especially when mums find it hard to loosen their grip or if daughters feel too restricted.

Adolescence is a crucial time when this conflict becomes particularly noticeable, where you find your daughter testing your every limit while you try to offer advice and support. Finding the right balance between independence and closeness is tricky and can lead to tension.

Cultural and societal expectations

Cultural and societal expectations significantly impact mother-daughter relationships. For example, in cultures that emphasise family loyalty and the mother's role as a caregiver and moral guide, these expectations can pressure mothers and daughters to fulfil specific roles and behaviours, often resulting in conflicts when personal wants contradict societal norms.

Communication styles

Communication style differences between mothers and daughters can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. You may rely on certain forms of communication, while your daughter, especially in this digital age, may prefer different methods. It's important to listen and express feelings to bridge this gap actively.

Additionally, finding common ground in communication methods, such as setting aside time for face-to-face conversations, can help improve understanding and build a healthy relationship.

Unresolved issues 

Unresolved issues from your past can resurface and affect your relationship with your daughter. Past hurts, unmet expectations or unspoken resentments can create barriers to closeness.

One way to address these issues is through counselling, which can provide a safe space to heal and move forward. Open and honest communication about these issues can help you understand each other's perspectives and work towards resolution.

Influence of fathers and other family members

The presence and behaviour of fathers and other family members can influence the dynamics of the mother-daughter relationship. A supportive family environment helps reduce conflict and provides extra support. On the other hand, if the family dynamic is strained, it can make tensions between mothers and daughters worse. 

Adolescence and menopause: The perfect storm

Adolescence is a time of rapid physical, emotional, and psychological change for daughters, characterised by the quest for identity, increased independence, and often heightened emotional sensitivity. At the same time, mothers may be experiencing menopause, a significant life transition marked by hormonal changes, emotional fluctuations, and reflections on their own ageing and life course.

When mothers and daughters navigate these changes simultaneously, as tends to happen (thanks, Mother Nature!), the relationship can become even more complicated. When you and your daughter are dealing with significant internal and external changes, the emotional environment is going to be heightened.

If this is something you're experiencing, keep in mind:

Hormonal fluctuations

Both menopause and adolescence involve significant hormonal shifts, which can impact mood and behaviour. Understanding that you and your daughter might be experiencing heightened emotional states can help to encourage empathy and patience.

Communication breakdowns

When both parties are undergoing significant life changes, miscommunication is only to be expected. Open, honest dialogue is crucial to work through misunderstandings and to support each other through these transitions.

Mutual support

Recognising the challenges each other faces can transform a source of tension into an opportunity for mutual support. Daughters can gain insight into the ageing process, and mums can better understand the pressures of growing up in today's world. 

Do you find yourself struggling with your relationship with your teen or nearly teenage daughter? Being a parent to a child who's going through puberty just as you're navigating menopause is hard. 

If this resonates with you, counselling can help improve your relationship with your adolescent child.