Strong on the outside, struggling on the inside

You wake up, check your phone, and the world expects you to be ready. Your colleagues see you as reliable. Your family leans on you. Your friends think you have it all together. You smile, you push through, you get things done. And yet, when the day quiets down, something feels off. There’s an unease — a heaviness — that you can’t quite name.

It’s a strange disconnect, isn’t it? Looking at you, no one would guess the weight you carry. You appear successful, competent and even happy. But inside, you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or even empty. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us fight silent battles, maintaining a polished exterior while struggling internally. And often, we don’t even realise what’s really happening beneath the surface.

The invisible load: Why we feel this way

Psychotherapist and trauma expert Gabor Maté speaks about how past wounds shape our present lives. He suggests that unresolved pain doesn’t just disappear — it lives in our bodies, influencing our thoughts, behaviours, and even our health. Suppressed emotions don’t stay buried; they leak out in subtle ways — through stress, fatigue, irritability, or a constant feeling of being ‘not enough.’

Perhaps you’ve noticed it in yourself. The unexplained tension in your shoulders. The restless nights. The way you snap at loved ones over small things. Maybe you turn to distractions — overworking, scrolling endlessly, or keeping busy — to avoid sitting with the discomfort. These are all signs that something deeper is at play.

Deb Dana, a leading voice in Polyvagal Theory, explains that our nervous system constantly scans for safety or danger. If we’ve experienced past hurts — whether big traumas or small but significant emotional wounds — our system stays on high alert. We function, but we do so from a place of stress rather than ease. This chronic state of ‘pushing through’ is exhausting.

Grief, stress, and the ways we cope

Grief isn’t just about losing a loved one. It can be the loss of a dream, a version of ourselves, or even a sense of safety we once had. Many of us carry unprocessed grief without realising it. Peter Levine, the pioneer of Somatic Experiencing, describes how unprocessed emotions get trapped in the body, leading to anxiety, depression, or even physical pain. If you’ve ever felt emotionally drained but couldn’t pinpoint why, it could be a sign that old grief or stress is still lingering.

Think about your own life. Have you ever had a moment when you felt unexpectedly emotional — maybe after hearing a song, smelling a familiar scent, or revisiting a place from your past? That’s your body remembering. Our experiences don’t just live in our minds; they live in our bodies, too. And if they aren’t acknowledged, they can surface in ways we don’t expect.

The mask we wear

Society rewards resilience. We’re praised for being strong, for handling things on our own. But at what cost? Often, the people who seem the most ‘together’ are the ones carrying the heaviest burdens. And because they’ve spent years proving they can manage, asking for help feels foreign — maybe even like a failure.

A successful professional hides her anxiety behind a polished demeanour. A devoted parent feels isolated but keeps giving. A high-achiever feels like an imposter, fearing they’ll be ‘found out.’ These silent struggles are more common than we think.

But here’s something to consider: Strength isn’t just about enduring. True strength is also about recognising when you need support.

Recognising the signs

If any of this resonates with you, take a moment to reflect. Do you:

• Feel emotionally drained despite outward success?
• Struggle to slow down, relax, or enjoy the moment?
• Carry a sense of guilt or unworthiness, even when things are going well?
• Feel distant from yourself or others, as if something is ‘missing’?
• Experience physical symptoms like headaches, tension, or fatigue with no clear cause?

If so, it might be time to look beneath the surface.

What can help?

Understanding that your struggles are valid is the first step. But awareness alone isn’t enough. Healing happens when we create space to process, reconnect with ourselves, and find new ways to move forward.

Deb Dana’s work with Polyvagal Theory shows that healing isn’t just about thinking differently — it’s about feeling safe in our bodies. Small practices like deep breathing, grounding techniques, or simply acknowledging our emotions without judgment can begin to shift our state.

Peter Levine suggests that trauma and stress are stored in the body, not just the mind. Movement, mindful touch, and even gentle self-compassion exercises can help release stored tension.

Gabor Maté reminds us that healing also involves self-inquiry — asking ourselves where we learned to suppress our needs, and how we can start honouring them again.

You don’t have to do it alone

Many of us hesitate to seek support because we think, “Others have it worse,” or “I should be able to handle this.” But healing isn’t about comparison. Your pain is valid, and you deserve to feel better.

Therapeutic support can offer a space to unpack these hidden struggles in a way that feels safe and empowering. If you’ve been carrying an invisible weight, you don’t have to carry it forever. There’s a path forward — one where you don’t just survive but truly feel alive.

If any part of this article resonated with you, know that you’re not alone. Support is available, and taking the first step can change everything. For more information, feel free to connect with me through my author profile. You deserve to feel at peace within yourself.