Still talking… Just not to you? Why teens go quiet

We know it's good to talk through worries and concerns. It helps us process our thoughts by speaking them out loud and reminds us that there are supportive people who want to be there for us. But how can you be there to support your teenage child when you know they're going through a hard time and can barely summon more than two syllables? 

When you see your child struggling, but they won't or can't let you know what is going on, how can you help? While this is not an uncommon experience for parents of teens and nearly teenagers (it's not just you!), it is still a challenge. And how do you manage your own emotions around this? You can feel frustrated and hurt when your child seems to have gone inward and shut you out. 

Why teens go quiet

Whilst your child not opening up or speaking to you is upsetting for parents, it is not necessarily a sign that something has gone terribly wrong. It is part and parcel of the developmental changes of adolescence. 

• The search for independence starts early in the tween years (ages 9 to 12). It's when you might first notice them pulling away or needing more privacy. It's part of growing up, and it includes a need for privacy that can feel like a stark change from your happy-go-lucky primary-age kid who shared anything and everything with you. 
• Adolescents' brains are changing, and their prefrontal cortex is developing (the part of our brains that deals with decision-making, thinking and planning). This means that emotions are often in the driver's seat.
• Because your teenager's brain is a work in progress, they are more prone to emotional overwhelm and less likely to have the language or confidence to express complex feelings.

How about my emotional overwhelm and complex feelings? I hear you ask.

It's not personal (even if it feels that way)

Whilst it can feel very personal, it often isn't. Your teen's silence might leave you feeling rejected or shut out, but it doesn't always mean they're angry or don't like you anymore. It doesn't mean your relationship is over or that they'll always feel this way.

Often, when your teenager goes quiet, they are trying to work out what's happening and make sense of what's going on. Which requires some time and space. Also, I often hear from the young people I work with that they don't feel they should burden you with their problems. Your teenager probably senses you are worried, and they don't want to add to this. So they keep quiet. 

Common triggers for disconnection:

• Feeling judged or misunderstood.
• Repeating the same old arguments and high tension.
• Pressure to open up before they're ready.

Teen communication essentials

• Let them know you're available and there for them without pushing them to talk.
• Timing is everything! Pick a time when you can have a more casual conversation - in the car can work well for this or during a walk. A direct 'we need to talk' isn't conducive to a chat.
• Listen more than you speak. Hold back, at least initially, on offering advice or solutions so there's room for them to talk. 
• Use questions that open up the conversation, for example, "I've noticed you've been quiet - is everything OK?"). Asking closed questions shuts things down: "Why are you always in a mood?".
• Don't underestimate the power of validating their feelings, even when you don't fully understand them.

It's important to recognise that all relationships experience highs and lows, including the one you have with your child. Even when you feel like your relationship has lost its way, you can rebuild communication with your teen through patience, warmth and consistency. Though it might not look like it, even when your teen isn't talking to you, they are still listening and noticing.

If you're struggling to reconnect with your tween or teenage child, you're not alone. Talking with a counsellor – even in a single session – can give you the tools and confidence to rebuild communication and strengthen your relationship.