How can you tell if you're experiencing a silent divorce?

Do you feel distant from your partner? Arguments and conflict aren’t the only cause of break-ups in relationships. Drifting apart so that you become indifferent to each other and lose that spark can lead to loneliness, and it can be just as destructive in the end. Here, we'll explore how to tackle silence in a relationship and improve communication.

What is a silent divorce?

The term ‘silent divorce’ refers to a state where there isn’t obvious conflict, but nor is there much of anything else going on in a relationship. It is not sustainable in the long term. Little by little you lose a sense of togetherness. And you may not even realise it is happening; the busyness of life very easily gets in the way of being a couple if you don’t prioritise your relationship.

Can silence be healthy in a relationship?

While being comfortable with silence between you can be a sign of intimacy, when you have nothing to say to each other for long periods, it may indicate you have grown apart. Drifting apart might not feel as obviously bad as fighting does, but it can leave people feeling like they are sharing a house but are not really 'together' in any meaningful or intimate way.

My heart sinks when I see a couple in a restaurant sitting silently with nothing to say to each other, sometimes both on their phones.

How can we reconnect?

The simple answer is to spend more time together. Spend more time talking, more time having fun, and more time supporting each other.

And, if you don’t know what to say to get the ball rolling, there are two simple approaches:

1. Ask them about themselves - how they are doing, what they think, what they want from life, what is most important to them - anything. 
2. Tell them about you - what you are thinking, and feeling, your hopes and worries etc.

It's important not to get complacent, particularly in long-term relationships. It's said that couples who have been together a long time don’t know each other as well as couples who have only been together a short while. The theory is that, when you have been in a relationship for a longer time, you don’t try as hard because you don’t feel anxious about losing them (perhaps to competitors). So, you assume you know what the other person thinks because you know them. So, prioritise curiosity with your partner.

How can therapy help?

A healthy relationship shouldn't get to a stage where you have nothing left to say to each other. If you or your partner are reluctant to spend time together and talk or find excuses, perhaps it's time to see a relationship counsellor.

Couples therapy could help you both to improve your communication. Or you may seek counselling individually to identify what you need from your relationship.