Relationships within ourselves: Understanding our inner conflicts

We often think of relationships as something we have with others, but what about the relationships we have within ourselves? We are not singular beings with straightforward, unified thoughts and feelings. Instead, we are complex and multifaceted, carrying within us a range of conflicting desires, beliefs, and emotions.

These inner conflicts can create confusion, frustration, and sometimes a sense of being "stuck." Therapy can help us explore these inner relationships, fostering understanding, balance, and ultimately, peace within ourselves.

The different parts of ourselves

Have you ever felt torn between wanting two opposing things? Perhaps part of you longs for connection, while another part is deeply afraid of vulnerability. Or maybe you have moments when you feel confident, only to be undercut by self-doubt. These conflicting feelings come from different parts of ourselves—parts that have developed over time, often in response to our past experiences.

In Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), these different aspects are referred to as "parts" or "subpersonalities." For example, one part might be the “inner critic,” always pointing out perceived flaws or mistakes, while another part could be the “protector,” keeping you safe from potential emotional harm by pushing people away. These parts have their own unique voices and perspectives, and when they clash, they create inner tension. The goal in therapy isn’t to suppress these parts but to understand and harmonise them.

Understanding the roots of inner conflict

Each of these parts has a purpose, often rooted in past experiences. The inner critic, for instance, might have developed as a way to protect you from rejection by encouraging perfectionism. The part of you that fears vulnerability may have learned, through painful experiences, that staying guarded feels safer. These parts are often doing the best they can to protect you, even if their strategies no longer serve your well-being in the present.

When we understand where these parts come from and why they exist, we can approach them with compassion instead of frustration. Therapy helps you untangle these conflicting parts of yourself, giving each one a voice and space to express its needs and fears. This process leads to greater awareness and a deeper understanding of the dynamics that shape your inner life.

Finding balance and harmony

Once we recognise the different parts of ourselves, the next step is finding balance. Rather than letting one part dominate your thoughts or actions, therapy helps you negotiate between these parts, creating more harmony within. This might involve finding ways to reassure the part that feels anxious, while also empowering the part that craves growth and connection.

Balance doesn’t mean eliminating conflict; it means learning how to hold space for all your feelings and desires without becoming overwhelmed by them. It’s about understanding that conflicting parts can coexist and that it’s possible to honour each part’s needs without allowing any single one to dictate your choices.

The importance of self-compassion

One of the most important lessons in understanding our inner conflicts is cultivating self-compassion. When we are caught in inner turmoil, it’s easy to become self-critical or frustrated with ourselves. We might judge certain parts harshly - resenting the part that holds us back or wishing we could silence the voice of fear. But just as we would show kindness to a friend struggling with conflict, it’s essential to offer that same kindness to ourselves.

Therapy can help you develop a compassionate relationship with all parts of yourself. By listening to your inner voices with curiosity instead of judgement, you create a safe internal environment where healing and integration can take place. Over time, this compassion leads to greater self-acceptance and emotional resilience.

Integration and peace

As we explore and understand our inner conflicts, we move closer to integration—where different parts of ourselves can work together rather than in opposition. This doesn’t mean we will never experience inner conflict again, but it does mean that we will have the tools to navigate these conflicts with more awareness, balance, and care.

Understanding our inner relationships allows us to live with greater peace and alignment. We learn to recognise when one part is taking over and how to gently bring it back into balance with the others. This inner harmony often leads to a more peaceful outer life, improving how we relate to others and navigate the world.

A journey of self-discovery

Exploring the relationships within ourselves is a journey of self-discovery. It helps us understand why we act and feel the way we do and offers us the chance to transform old patterns into healthier ways of being. Therapy provides a supportive space for this exploration, guiding you through the process of listening to, understanding, and integrating your inner parts.

The conflicts we face within are not signs of weakness or failure; they are part of being human. By understanding these conflicts, we open the door to a deeper relationship with ourselves—one rooted in compassion, understanding, and peace.