People pleasing - when does being 'good' become bad?

Being a self-confessed people pleaser is a label many of us can identify with. We often learn from a young age that it is important to be 'good', which equates to doing as we are told and making our caregivers happy. It is a fact that a compliant, well-behaved child is easier to parent and, therefore, the message we are given when we are very young is that we will be rewarded for doing what others want us to do, even if it isn’t what we would choose for ourselves.

As a parent, I know I have told my daughters they are 'good girls' when they behave in a way which makes my life easier. They enjoy this praise so it would make sense for them to continue in this way. We repeat behaviour which works well for us. But what message is this sending them as they grow older? And which other, important elements of our personality do we suppress to be liked? The more we suppress or subdue our true selves, the less sure we know who we are. And if this begins in childhood, this lack of confidence in our identity will likely continue into adulthood.

We have all heard of the fight or flight trauma response, but there are also the freeze or fawn responses. If we are someone who fawns, this can mean deferring to or being especially nice to the person making us feel uncomfortable or unsafe, in an attempt to diffuse the situation and bring us back to safer territory. A people pleaser’s first response is often to fawn.

Not many of us would feel comfortable knowing we are disliked. As people, we are community-focused, and it is human nature to want to be liked by others. This goes right back to early civilisation when being part of a tribe was vital to our survival.

Nobody wants to be an outsider and with good reason. But what happens when we become so preoccupied with pleasing others that we forget how to please ourselves? We lose sight of our true selves, and this can start to erode our sense of identity, and who we truly are as stand-alone people. It may make us feel stressed, anxious, unseen or burnt out with the effort of always thinking of others before ourselves.

Seeing a counsellor can be a useful starting point for discovering where your people pleasing tendencies originated, and to work on ways to change these patterns of behaviour if you have noticed them impacting you negatively. I may ask a client what they are afraid of by asking for their needs to be met:

• Is it rejection?
• Is it that they believe they will only be accepted if they are someone who works hard to make sure that everyone else’s needs are taken care of by them?
• Is it that they don’t want to be a burden, or don’t believe that they matter enough to have their voice heard?

If they answer yes to any of these, we could explore together where these beliefs about themselves have stemmed from. 

Setting boundaries with others is a good idea to help us establish what we want to do and what we don’t, and being able to communicate that honestly. We have all ended up in situations we felt we couldn’t say no, for fear of being a bad friend or letting others down. It is important to remember that if people care for us, they will understand that we can’t always do everything they ask. And “No” can be a full sentence!

By all means, apologise for not being able to do what is being asked but there is no need to over-explain why we can’t do something. Being honest with others about what we can and can’t commit to is a good step towards establishing self-care. Setting goals about how we want our lives to be different is another useful way to work towards positive change.

My last point to make is a very important one. If you are someone who cares about the feelings of others, then I believe this is something to be celebrated. Pleasing people can be a wonderful thing. We only run into trouble when we neglect our feelings in favour of other people. If we fear being abandoned so much that we abandon ourselves, then this is a problem. If we can strike a balance between listening to our own needs and being able to act on them, while also thinking of those around us, then the world will be all the better for it.