Navigating relationship breakups

Deciding whether to end a relationship or continue in it is one of the most challenging issues a person can face.

In so many cases, the reasons for the relationship in the first place (shared interest, goals or simple physical attraction) have faded, and people are left in a committed situation that no longer feels ‘aligned’ with the person they may be now.

When this happens, they are faced with a choice – continue in the relationship and explore whether there are opportunities for growth or re-alignment, or accept that the differences are too great, and agree to separate.

By ‘agree’ to separate, of course, what may also happen is that one party wants to continue in the relationship while the other wants to end it. This can be extremely challenging, bringing up feelings of guilt, hurt and betrayal, for which many people seek therapy to navigate.

How to identify if a relationship should end  

Many people meet at a time when it feels they are ‘aligned’. This may be because they have shared values and goals - perhaps a desire to start a family, travel, or support one another in a chosen career. It feels ‘right’ and for a while, things feel like ‘plain sailing’.

Challenges may arise, however, when the couple encounters differences of opinion, values or goals. One might want to move abroad, another to stay closer to family. One may want to take a risky career change, another may prefer financial stability.

It is also the case that people change as time passes. Two people may be aligned when they first meet, and through their time together, find themselves worlds apart.

Clients often ask me, “How can we reconnect?” When one is on Mars, and the other Venus, is there a way to communicate or ‘come back down to Earth’?

The answer, of course, depends on the couple. It may be that there is no desire to reconnect from one party, which can be painful, but something the other needs to accept. Trying to force a connection where there is no desire or capacity is tiring and frustrating. In such cases, the best course of action may be to separate.

Separation anxiety 

There are many fears my clients bring to me around the prospect of separating from their other half. The most common are ‘what if I regret it’ and ‘what if they won’t cope’.

For many people, the relationship they are in is a source of comfort and stability. They might not be happy, but at least it’s familiar.

Change, as anyone who experiences therapy knows, can be tough. It is stepping into the unknown, trusting our intuition and that life will deliver what is good for us, which may be even better than what we have right now.

Yet when we don’t trust ourselves, this can feel frightening. We fear we won’t manage or that things will be worse. We may not have confidence in our abilities to cope and thrive. This is where therapy can help.

The other fear my clients often present is that the other person won’t cope.

There may be a concern that we are ruining their chances for future happiness, or that they will be so devastated by the breakup that they will never move on. It may be tempting to stay in the unhappy relationship to keep the other person happy, or what they tell us ‘happiness’ means to them.

Moving forwards

The truth is, there is never a ‘perfect’ or hurt-free way to navigate a relationship break-up, especially if one party doesn’t want it. Yet it’s important for us to trust our instincts and move forward in a direction that feels best for us.

This is not being selfish. On the contrary, it is perhaps more selfish to stay in a relationship out of obligation or fear that the other person can’t cope. This suggests a lack of trust in their abilities, and is rarely a good message to give anyone.

Once it’s been decided that ending the relationship is the best course of action, how to communicate and manage this is often the next question my clients ask me.

Except in cases of clear abuse and where there is a risk of physical harm, it is usually best to have the conversation in person, which shows respect for the relationship and the other person.

There is no need to over-explain. “I’ve realised I don’t feel the way I need to for this relationship to continue,” “I’ve changed in ways that make it unfair to keep going,” or simply “I don’t feel we’re in the same place anymore,” are all examples of phrases you could use.

It can be easy to want to offer false hope, or even blame the other person for your decision, but it is best to keep the communication neutral, kind and respectful. This gives you the best chance of it landing with the other person and moving forward in a healthy way.

How therapy can help

When a relationship ends, it can expose a lot of emotions and sometimes feelings of emptiness or confusion. Particularly if it was a long relationship, it may be that your life has become interwoven with your partner’s to the point that it feels like starting again completely.

This can be an exciting time, but also a potentially daunting one. This is where therapy can help in holding space to explore who you are outside the relationship and find your authentic self, desires and goals that perhaps you may not have been aware of until now.

Unless the relationship was abusive (and even then, sometimes), separation is hard. Though it offers new possibilities and opportunities for growth, it is the saying goodbye to something that may have felt safe and familiar.

Therapy can help you identify what feels right for you and develop the courage and self-reliance to have difficult conversations and move forward with self-compassion and trust.