Parenting plans and separation: why clarity matters

Ending a relationship is one decision, but navigating life after separation brings many more. Where will you both live? How will you manage money? Who keeps the car? Who keeps the family pet? As the list goes on and on, some of the most difficult decisions for parents involve their children.

Of course, these conversations are not going to be easy, as talks about where your child will live, when they will see each parent or what happens at Christmas can be difficult, even at the best of times. However, when you start to add in the grief, anger or stress that can come with separation, then agreeing on something that once seemed fairly easy can suddenly feel much harder.

Why does predictability matter to children?

Trying to navigate life after separation can be tough, especially for children, as there are so many familiar things changing at once. Going from having one home to two, adjusting to a different school routine or having less time with one or both parents is a lot to process, but knowing what happens next can help.

Think about your child’s age. If you have a younger child, they might prefer having a calendar showing where they will sleep each night. Whereas if you have a teenager, you might find they are more concerned about whether arrangements affect school, friends, hobbies or a weekend job.

Children should be able to talk about how arrangements affect them, but there is a difference between listening to their views and asking them to choose. They should not feel responsible for making decisions between their parents.

When practical disagreements become emotional

After separation, practical disagreements can easily become tangled up with feelings from the relationship. 

Imagine one parent is half an hour late for collection. To them, it was traffic, but to the other, it might feel like another example of not upholding their promise. Suddenly, an argument about 30 minutes becomes an argument about the relationship.

Having clear arrangements in place cannot resolve what happened between you, but it can remove some of the things you may have otherwise argued about.

What is a parenting plan?

This is where a parenting plan can help, as you both have something to come back to when arrangements become unclear. A parenting plan is a written agreement about how you will care for your child after separation. It can cover where they will live, when they will spend time with each parent and how you will make decisions about school or healthcare.

Whilst parenting plans are not legally binding in England and Wales, having arrangements written down can be useful to have. Here is an example: imagine a Sunday evening when one parent believes collection is at five and the other thinks it’s six. Although this might be a small misunderstanding, it can become a surprisingly big argument when tension already exists between you.

One way to avoid such conflict is to read a parenting plan guide and use a template to create your own. This can help you work through what you need to discuss. You can complete it together or consider the questions separately, then compare your answers.

As you create your plan, try to be specific with your wording. For example, “Every other weekend from Friday after school until 6 pm on Sunday” leaves no room for misinterpretation, unlike “alternate weekends”.

When the plan needs to change

Life is unpredictable, so arrangements agreed upon six months ago might not suit life now. Your children grow, and the arrangements around them will likely have to change too. For instance, arrangements that suited your child at seven might not be relevant or may become impractical when they turn 15, especially if their weekends involve friends, revision, sport, or a part-time job.

And do not forget, your life will not necessarily stay the same either. You might find yourself in a new job with different working hours, or you might find a new home. All of this can affect arrangements that once worked well, so you both need to be open and ready to change them.

One way to keep your arrangements relevant is to agree to review the plan once a year, or at the start of each school year. Do not be mistaken, just because you are changing the plan, it does not mean the original plan failed. Creating a new plan is just a reflection of how your family has changed since the original plan was implemented.

What if you cannot agree?

You may have your opinions on certain terms in the parenting plan, but that doesn't mean your former partner will agree with them, so be prepared that compromises may have to be made.

If you find that there is one issue you keep coming back to, conversations have reached the point where neither of you feels you’re getting anywhere, and you still cannot reach a mutual agreement, it could be worth looking into family mediation. A mediator will not make decisions for you, but they can help you have the conversation and find a way forward.

How counselling can help after separation

Counselling after separation provides a space to talk about the feelings that do not belong in conversations about school runs and weekends, such as grief for the relationship, anger about how it ended or anxiety about what happens next. It does not replace mediation or legal advice, but it can help you recognise when old relationship conflicts are creeping back into conversations about your child.

In the end, separation will be difficult, and a parenting plan won't make it any easier. However, knowing who is collecting your child on Friday, where they will be on Saturday and what happens next can remove some uncertainty during this time. When so much else is changing, that clarity can matter.