My child is queer - What do I do? My advice to parents...

As a therapist who specialises in working with LGBTQIA+ clients, I see my role as not just supporting the community but its allies as well. Some of my clients are not necessarily part of the community, but parents of children who belong to it.

As parents, our love has the power to shape our child's world, regardless of what that may be. When they share their queer identity with us, they are not just ‘coming out’ but offering us a glimpse into something deeply personal. The way we react can either reinforce their confidence and sense of safety or create doubt and fear.

So here are some thoughts I always share with parents of queer children to help them communicate with their kids as well as develop a more meaningful relationship:

1. Educate yourself

One of the most significant ways to support your child is to educate yourself about LGBTQIA+ identities, experiences, and challenges. Learn about different sexual orientations, gender identities, and the history of queer rights. There are many books, podcasts, and online resources that can help deepen your understanding. This self-education shows your child that you care enough to put in the effort.

2. Validate their identity

Your child’s identity is real, and their feelings are valid. Whether they are coming out as gay, bisexual, transgender, nonbinary, or questioning, they need to hear from you that their identity is not a phase, not "wrong," and not something they need to change. You may have your doubts, but work on those independently. Some parents can also experience feelings of grief that their child is no longer who they used to know or understand. It’s OK, you can validate your child and privately work on whatever it is you are also going through.

3. Use their chosen name and pronouns

If your child is transgender or non-binary and has chosen a new name or pronouns, using them is a profound way to show respect. It may take time to adjust, but making the effort tells your child that their identity matters to you. You will sometimes get it wrong, it is OK. Most people in the community can tell when honest mistakes are made or when the use of dead names and pronouns is done in a derogatory manner. Acknowledging an error and rectifying it goes a long way in showing your genuine support.

4. Create a safe and affirming home

Your home should be a refuge where your child feels safe from discrimination and judgment. It is important that you find the ability to allow them to express themselves freely without fear of rejection or criticism. This helps them build confidence and resilience. Once again, there may be things which are new to you or which you are not comfortable with. It is important that you also seek support if you need to cope with the situation. You are there for your child, but in supporting them, you must also look after yourself.

5. Stand up for your child

Queer children often experience bullying or discrimination. Whether it’s at school, in the community, or among relatives, parents have the power to advocate for their children. There are so many ways you can achieve this by simply checking if their school has an LGBTQIA+ policy or advocating for one if absent. You can stand up for them at family gatherings when the slightly inebriated uncle makes unfortunate gender related jokes.

6. Accept that your child may have struggles you don’t fully understand

Growing up queer in a world that isn’t always welcoming can be difficult. Your child may struggle with identity-related stress, anxiety, or feelings of isolation. Your upbringing may be fundamentally different from that of your child – they may be talking to you about issues which you find puzzling. Just because you cannot understand them does not make them less valid. Even if you can’t fully relate, you can still be a loving presence in their life. There is nothing more powerful than the spark of connection with your child and unconditional love.

7. Celebrate your child’s queerness, not just tolerate it

Loving your child for what they are is great. However, it is even more powerful if you are able to embrace their identity as something wonderful. Acceptance is so empowering, but actively celebrating your child's queerness is amazing. There is an ever-growing body of research which demonstrates the positive impact of parents celebrating their child in this way.

8. Be open to growth

You don’t need to have all the answers, I don’t have all the answers, your child doesn’t either, nobody does. There will be moments when you may feel uncertain, confused, and fearful for your child's future, especially in our current climate. You may feel overwhelmed and tired, and hopeless. But… keep showing up, keep listening, keep giving that kid the hugs they need.

Supporting and loving your queer child is for life not just for Christmas. You have the power to affirm their humanity in a world that would say otherwise. When queer children or indeed any children feel loved for who they truly are, they thrive.

Dear parent, your presence, care, and advocacy make all the difference!