Navigating LGBTQ+ shame and neurodivergence

Being LGBTQ+ can be a complex experience. It can be a vibrant mix of joy and celebration at being part of a diverse community, balanced against the heavy reality of isolation, rejection, or the perceived need to conceal one's true self.

For many, coming to terms with their identity is a dual process: recognising who they authentically are, while simultaneously navigating a social world that can feel restrictive or even oppressive.

In therapy sessions, the focus isn't just on the immediacy of your current life. A therapist with social and cultural awareness might also take into account the environment you grew up in, the people who raised and surrounded you, how they reacted to your emerging self, and the wider culture you inhabited.

This involves exploring the social and cultural factors that have shaped your psyche. To do this, a model from Transactional Analysis (TA) called the Cultural Parent is useful in highlighting how we internalise the world around us.

What is the cultural parent?

In TA, the Parent ego state is one of the three ego states we refer to regularly. The others are Adult and Child. The Parent ego state is a repository of information that is attained from our caregivers, other significant people older than us. Theorist Pearl Drego expanded this to include the Cultural Parent.

Our parents' lives, like all of us, were affected by the society and culture they grew up in. Therefore, our lives as young people were shaped by society and culture. We unconsciously picked up the unwritten rules, prejudices, traditions and “common sense" from life at home, school, and media. We didn’t choose these beliefs; we breathed them in like the air we breathe in every moment

Even if parents were 100% supportive of your LGBTQ+ identity, we live in a heteronormative and rigid gender-binary society. Consequently, the inner worlds of LGBTQ+ people can become filled with absorbed messages from the world around them, that runs contrary to their own authentic and unique queer identity.

The intersection: minority stress and neurodivergence

For some people, the weight of an LGBTQ+ identity is doubled by being neurodivergent. If you are autistic or have ADHD, your Cultural Parent hasn't just internalised homophobia; it has internalised neuronormativity, the idea that there is only one "correct" way to think, socialise, or process the world.

Living with different intersecting identities can involve navigating minority stress, a constant hum of internal pressure as you deal with external prejudice and discrimination, along with microaggressions. In addition, there might be the constant internal rumination relating to negative self-belief, expecting rejection and feeling the need to conceal your identity to stay safe. External events can lead to internal self-created “Injunctions”.

Your Cultural Parent might be shouting messages like:

• "Don't draw too much attention to yourself."
• "You’re only acceptable if you act 'normal'."
• "Hide your traits so you don't make others uncomfortable."

When your internal Cultural Parent is at odds with your authentic, neuroqueer self, the result might be chronic hyper-vigilance, exhaustion, and burnout.

How therapy helps: evicting another's voice

Counselling and psychotherapy can be important in identifying which parts of what you hear in your head actually belong to you, and which parts belong to a society that doesn’t always have your best interests at heart.

Spotting the script

TA therapy can involve looking at your "life script." Are you rushing to be perfect or please others because you want to, or because you don’t feel OK being you, and your Cultural Parent says it’s important to fit in, so you work twice as hard?

Decontaminating the adult

A TA therapist will work with you to strengthen your Adult ego state. This is the part of you that can look at a wave of shame and appropriately say: "This isn't my shame; it’s a message I was given. I no longer have to carry it."

Redecision

This is the turning point. It’s the moment you decide to "evict" the toxic parts of your Cultural Parent and replace them with your own values of pride, neuro-affirmation, and self-compassion.

It’s time to drop the weight of expectation

Like an acorn growing in compacted soil, your natural development to become your authentic self may have been hindered by the pressure to conform or survive difficult environments. Yet, the potential to thrive remains.

Whether through exploring the patterns of your past or developing new tools for the present, therapy provides the space to unburden yourself from external expectations, to live life with greater authenticity and autonomy.