Exploring your gender? How to find an affirming therapist

Choosing to explore your gender in therapy can be an exciting and liberating course of action, but it can also be confusing and even frightening at times. Whether you identify as trans, you are questioning your assigned gender, or you are simply trying to understand yourself better, having the right support from an affirming therapist can make all the difference in this process of self-discovery.

This article explores the importance of finding the right therapist and some top tips on what to look for in a gender diversity-affirming therapist.

What could possibly go wrong?

Counselling can be so many different things, and no two client experiences will be the same, but vitally, your therapy sessions should be a space where you feel seen, respected, validated and supported.

Unfortunately, this is not always the reality for trans and gender diverse people, who are not only subject to ongoing societal discrimination in everyday life but sometimes also experience harm within the therapy room. The most extreme version of this scenario would involve conversion practices, where interventions are made to change, “cure” or suppress the client’s sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

However, harm can also be done even by well-intentioned counsellors if they are not knowledgeable about gender diversity. For example, imagine sharing with your therapist that you are questioning aspects of your gender, which is, of course, a legitimate dimension of your identity to explore. How might it feel if the therapist reframed your uncertainty as a symptom of trauma or family dysfunction? You might feel ashamed, misunderstood or angry, and you would probably feel reluctant to talk further about this issue.

Green flags to look for

The good news is that there are many therapists out there who are knowledgeable about and affirming of gender diversity. Finding the right fit will ensure you feel safe, supported and understood in your counselling sessions, so read on for key things to look for to find your best match of a therapist.

They don’t rush you to define yourself

The therapist does not pressure you to define yourself in rigid terms or to rush towards certainty. They are open to the idea that identity can have a fluid, evolving nature.

They listen without judgement

The therapist listens to you with curiosity and care. They don’t make you feel that having complicated feelings about your gender means there’s something wrong with you.

They recognise the impact of discrimination

The therapist recognises the impact of discrimination, minority stress and social pressure to conform to gender norms.

They see you as a whole person

Conversations with the therapist about your life experiences do not become narrowly focused on gender alone, but neither do they ignore how gender shapes your experience.

They make space for the full range of your experiences

The therapist holds space for you to talk about experiences of dysphoria, discrimination or joy. All of these experiences are valid, and a good therapist will understand that gender identity is complex and that probably none of these experiences is the full story.

They respect your name and pronouns

The therapist uses your name and pronouns consistently. If they get it wrong, they respond respectfully and take ownership of their mistake.

They openly affirm LGBTQIA+ identities

The therapist explicitly supports and affirms gender diversity and LGBTQIA+ identities. They show familiarity with LGBTQIA+ terminology and communities and do not expect you, as the client, to educate them.

Trust your gut

Above all, listen to your instincts. Of course, a therapist doesn’t need to be perfect to be helpful – therapists are human too, and nobody is perfect. But no matter what issues you are bringing to therapy, it is so important that you feel emotionally safe enough with the therapist to speak honestly without fear of being pushed in a direction that does not feel right for you. 

Many therapists offer a free introductory call, and this can be a great opportunity to do a “vibe check” and decide whether they are someone you would be happy to work with. If you feel uncomfortable with the therapist you are seeing, at any stage of the process, it is OK to trust your own gut and look for a different therapist.

Finding the right therapist can take some time, and you might not always find the right fit at the first attempt, so organise as many of these calls as you need to. Remember, a good therapist will always welcome your questions and respect your boundaries if you choose to take your time with this process.