Living with grief in our own time

Most of us will experience the grief of losing someone we love at some point in our lives. The feelings and emotions that follow a bereavement can be extremely painful and overwhelming, and although the intensity of these feelings may lessen with time, the impact can stay with us for the rest of our lives.

Navigating the loss and eventually learning to live a life without your loved one in it is possible, even though it may feel unimaginable in those early days. Finding your own way forward takes time, patience and an understanding that life will go on, but very differently than before.

Grief doesn't follow a set timeline

When I experienced a significant loss in my own life, I discovered just how personal grief really is. Although the people that loved me wanted to help and support me, I soon realised that nobody could fully understand what I was going through because they weren’t experiencing the loss in the same way I was.

I also learned that grief doesn’t come with a set of rules telling us how we should feel or behave. What comforts or helps one person may not do the same for another. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and certainly no timeframe for how long those feelings should last.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model has become widely associated with explaining the stages and emotions we can experience after a loss. In my case, I certainly experienced all of those feelings she talks about at various times in my journey, but in no particular order. They all seemed to come and go randomly, meaning that grief didn’t follow a timetable or pattern for me.

As every loss is unique and personal, not everyone will feel all the emotions mentioned, and that’s OK too. It helps to remember that theories like this are guides to help us understand and make some sense of our feelings rather than a set of rules to tell us what our grief should look and feel like.

When I look back on those early days now, I realise I was constantly looking for evidence that things were getting better, and I was desperate to get to that place where things felt less painful and more ‘normal’.

A common misconception about grief is that it follows an uphill path and gets better every day. For me, it felt more like swimming in the sea. Some days the waves of grief knocked me off my feet with their strength, and other days the current was gentle, and I could bob about with my head above water. I knew the big waves would come back, but the trick was learning to see them coming and knowing I could ride them until things calmed down again.

Years later, I still have days and moments of immense sadness and even get hit by some big waves sometimes when I least expect them. The difference now is that I have come to accept and even enjoy my life as it is today. I know I will always have sad moments, but they’re not outweighed by the good days anymore, and that means I’m better equipped to ride the waves now. I can’t change what happened, even though I would give anything to be able to. Because of that, I choose to move forward and make the best of a life that I wouldn’t have chosen, but the one I have.

Ways to support yourself through grief

We will all experience grief and loss differently, but here are some things that may be helpful in the weeks, months and years after your loss.

Allow yourself to feel everything

There may be days when you feel deep sadness and the tears won’t stop. On other days, you may feel numb, angry, guilty or hopeless. There may even be times when you laugh or find things funny. All of these emotions are natural when experiencing grief, and they can exist alongside each other. Try not to question or judge yourself. There’s no wrong emotion to have.

Take small steps

In the early days after a loss, looking into a new future can seem overwhelming and impossible. Try to concentrate on small steps such as getting up, eating a meal or even walking outside for 10 minutes. Taking one day at a time is important, and everything you do will be progress. Even if you feel like you’re going backwards, you’re not. It may take time, but you will get there.

Keep talking

It can be easy to become isolated, especially after the first few weeks when the cards, flowers and visitors have tailed off. Your loved ones may want to help, but sometimes it's difficult for them to know what to say. This can sometimes cause them to retreat rather than risk upsetting you by saying the wrong thing.

But having someone, whether a loved one or a counsellor, just listen to you rather than trying to make you feel better can make a big difference. So, if you can, let those around you know that they don't need to say anything, but that just listening will help. It takes the pressure off them to say the 'right' thing and can benefit you.

Accept help

People around you can sometimes find it difficult to provide the emotional support you may need, so offering practical help gives them the opportunity to assist in another way. Offers of cooking, food shopping or cleaning may seem unimportant at this time, but it can feel incredibly comforting to eat a meal someone’s cooked for you or for someone to fill the fridge when you can’t even imagine leaving the house. Remember, people want to help however they can, so let them.

Be kind to yourself

Grief can be exhausting, physically and emotionally. It can be difficult to fall asleep when your head hits the pillow at night, and your mind is whirring with thoughts. So, if the nighttime is not your friend and you feel sleepy during the day, allow yourself to nap or rest if you can. Sleep patterns may change over time, so don't judge yourself or feel guilty. Give yourself permission to do things that bring you comfort when you need it.

Stay connected

As time moves on, many people worry that moving forward also means leaving their loved one behind. But actually, finding ways to keep that connection alive can be a big part of our healing process. Whether that's displaying photos, talking about them and saying their name regularly, memorial trees or benches, or even tattoos if that's your thing, whatever you choose can help keep that non-physical connection going.

There are many ways to remember and honour someone who is no longer physically with us, and finding what best helps us can be so important. Even if that means doing nothing and keeping their memory alive in your thoughts, in time you will know what feels right for you and brings you most comfort.

Importantly, healing and moving forward with your life doesn't mean forgetting. It can mean eventually reaching a place where grief, hope, and joy can all exist alongside each other. There may come a time when you realise you smile rather than cry when you think about your loved one, that you don’t think about them 24/7, and that there's room for other thoughts in your head.

This doesn't mean your grief has gone; it's just a sign that your relationship with your loss is changing. Allowing yourself to experience happiness again isn’t a betrayal of the person you’ve lost. It’s allowing you to keep on living while still carrying the love you have for them.