'It's over...'

A very hurtful and sad time for anyone is when we are experiencing the breakdown of a relationship. It doesn't matter if it's your partner, a parent, a friend or your child, it's not a time of unalloyed joy and happiness. More a time of deep and profound emotional pain. A time of hurt as well as a lot of negative feelings. The very events that lead to a breakdown of any relationship can leave us feeling confused, sad and overwhelmed. Be the ending short and unexpected or protracted and seemingly inevitable.

Image

With each type of relationship breakdown, a different set of circumstances are involved. Be it needing to find new accommodation, emotional isolation, a physical and emotional yearning for better times or missing the person and perhaps contact with your children. When we just exist, we deny the chance of better times and better futures.

Sometimes the police and courts are involved. The circumstances may mean a long period of absence from your children's lives, physical upheaval and emotional turmoil. Grief is, I feel, not too strong a word to use when describing the ending of a relationship.

When counselling clients experiencing relationship breakdown, some common themes emerge. Sometimes there is a sense of betrayal or having been wronged. Feelings of not being worthy or good enough are common. As are feelings of guilt i.e. "If only I had done..." Or shame i.e. "I am not worthy of a decent relationship - my faults have led to the relationship failing."

Anger is not uncommon and neither is bitterness. Feelings of betrayal or regret are often present. Regret about investing so heavily in the relationship or perhaps not being aware enough to avoid the breakup. These and quite a few other feelings are present and can be overwhelming. Perhaps those feelings are about wondering if you can ever love or be loved again. Hopelessness - "I will always feel this way" or maybe "I will never get over the feelings I am experiencing."

This emotional turmoil can be devastating and feel overwhelming. I would offer that the extent to which those feelings are present is evidence of how deep the positive feelings once were but are now no longer present.


The benefits of counselling for a relationship breakdown

What are the benefits of counselling when you are going through a relationship breakdown?

Many of my clients, past and current, find a lot of use in having a space where they can vent and be heard. The opportunity to express their anger, shame and hurt without being judged is welcome as well as useful. This is part of the process of grieving the lost relationship. Clients find it very useful to have a space in which to be able to explore the consequences of the relationship ending. The counselling session can be a useful place to be able to reflect and consider the causes as well as the consequences of relationship breakdown. This might be from either side of the relationship, for instance:

  • the wronged or the wrongdoer
  • the cheating partner or the person cheated on
  • the estranged parent or the abandoned child
  • the victim of domestic abuse or the abuser.

Neither side is exempt from these feelings.

So, apart from being a passive shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend, what practical good can come from counselling at times like this?

Well, a counsellor cannot mend the fences or rebuild bridges, that is a given. However, a skilful counsellor can help a client to process what has happened. 

Often, a client becomes aware of patterns of behaviour repeating themselves, sometimes unknowingly. It often happens that a client comes to look at their self-worth, their self-image, and their boundaries. When something such as boundaries or self-worth is considered, the person is then in a position to choose. Choose to stay with what they are aware of, which is OK, or change some aspect of themselves or their life in order to be better served. To be able to function differently and consciously. 

We can cause others to suffer via the courts, through friendship or relational bonds but, in reality, we are only hurting ourselves. There is a place for court action, certainly in cases of child protection and domestic violence, but otherwise, we only cause suffering to ourselves. By focusing on the anger, the hurt and the betrayal, what we are not able to do is move on. Not able to move forward with the living.

It's understandable as well as quite natural to feel that way. It's also quite natural to feel loss and grief, however, when we cling to those feelings rather than process and move forward from them we are not living, we are existing. Instead of looking forward, we are looking backwards. By acknowledging and accepting these feelings we can begin to process them. When we just exist we deny the chance of better times and better futures.

Yes, bad things have been said and done, we cannot change them, we can choose to not be ruled by them though. It would be foolish to say this is easy but only when we are able to accept the past can we move away from it. We can decide what we allow into our future, based on past experience. We can accept what was good in that relationship and move past the bad.

Life is often seen as good or bad and for a lot of circumstances that is proper. I find that when I am able to look at life as good and learning opportunities instead of good and bad, then accepting and carrying on, moving forward, is easier.

The hurt, the pain and the negative feelings and experiences do pass - for me, it seems better to accept and learn from them rather than dwell on them and suffer.

info

The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

Share this article with a friend
Image
Chelmsford CM1
Image
Image
Written by Steve Fayers
Counsellor / Therapist | Certified Trauma Therapist
location_on Chelmsford CM1
I am a counsellor, a parent, a human being who has struggled with life. I would rather struggle than give in and accept a life that does not meet my needs and wants. With the help of counselling and the determination to be better than I was, I have been able to change my life to how it is today - happier, clearer. more satisfying. So can you!
Image

Find the right counsellor or therapist for you

location_on

task_alt All therapists are verified professionals

task_alt All therapists are verified professionals