How to manage and express anger in a healthy way

I have many clients come to me saying that either a) they find it impossible to express their anger or b) their anger comes out explosively and causes harm to others around them, leading to feelings of guilt and shame.

Those who fall into the former camp also tend to be people pleasers, doing their best not to rock the boat or upset others, bending over backwards to do the 'right' thing, even when they are treated unfairly or taken advantage of. It can be very difficult for them to stand up for themselves or say no, as they fear it will create conflict. Conflict avoidance is often at the heart of those who find it impossible to express their anger.

Conversely, those who are quick to temper or assert themselves may also be avoiding a deeper form of conflict. In bulldozing the ability of others to respond, such as through shouting or making threats, they are closing down the possibility for open conversation where real, healthier conflict can occur.

There is often a fear in this latter camp that their needs will not be met, or they will not be taken seriously unless they act with force or aggression. Their behaviour therefore becomes controlling, and people may comply out of fear rather than agreement, leading to resentment and fractured relationships down the line.

What is healthy conflict?

There is often a middle ground that can be missed when we fall into more people-pleasing or aggressive behaviour, where we assert our wants and needs calmly but firmly. 

Those who avoid conflict through controlling others or letting themselves be controlled may find it difficult to express their wants and needs, either because they feel unworthy, they fear it will inconvenience, disappoint or maybe even hurt someone else, or because they believe it makes them appear vulnerable.

For people who grew up in environments where their wants and needs were dismissed or ignored completely, it can be very difficult in adulthood to express them clearly. There may be a fear of being rejected or hurt again. This can make it easy to back down, allowing the other person to have what they want at their own detriment. Alternatively, they may shut down, becoming forceful and aggressive rather than expressing themselves genuinely and vulnerably. Perhaps there is a fear they will be rejected again, and the old wound of not having their needs met will be reactivated.

In healthy conflict, both parties have the ability to express and share their wants and needs. These may clash, and this is where compromise can be reached, or perhaps time may be taken to let things resolve naturally. What doesn't happen is digging in to a particular position in an aggressive or controlling way, intimidating the other, or forcing a resolution against the other's will. In healthy conflict, there is an awareness that things will not always go our way, and this is OK. We can express and ask for what we want clearly, and sometimes be disappointed.

How therapy can help

For many people, they have simply not developed the ability to express themselves calmly and clearly because, due to the suppression of their childhood needs, this may feel unfamiliar to them. It might feel needy, demanding or come out aggressively or explosively due to a lack of healthy mirroring or modelling in early life.

Often, what gets in the way of self-expression is anger that this self-expression was not accepted or seen earlier in life. In some cases, unresolved anger about these earlier experiences can emerge in adult relationships through passive aggression, controlling behaviour, or explosive outbursts.

Many people feel unworthy of having their needs met, having had them denied for many years, and there is often a deep sense of injustice beneath this, too. On some level, people can sense that what happened to them wasn't fair, and they deserve to be heard and for their wants and needs to be listened to and validated.

When these experiences are rooted in early life, insight alone is not always enough. Many people understand intellectually why they struggle with anger, yet still find themselves reacting in familiar ways. This is one reason I often incorporate somatic approaches, which help clients access emotions that may have been held in the body for many years.

Some examples include: having clients throw beanbags at a clear wall, beating chairs with a foam roller, or banging a very handy drum. The practice of pushing both hands against a steady wall and saying 'No' or 'It's not fair!' can also help release some of the earlier stored trauma and repressed anger that may have been in the system for decades. 

It is often dangerous or even impossible to express anger towards our parents as small children. Yet the anger does not go anywhere, and it often comes out in distorted ways in adulthood, either in people pleasing, or violence and aggression. When we take time to hold and meet the core wound, what we find is less often anger, but a deeper grief. The grief of not being seen, held, heard or having our needs validated or understood. 

Once we come in contact with and fully grieve this deeper loss, we may come to know the possibility of giving to ourselves what our caregivers could not. Self-affirmation, validation and confidence.

With this self-trust and confidence in ourselves as people worthy of respect and attention, it is easier to express our wants and needs calmly and respectfully, as well as being able to handle disappointment when they are not met. 

Conflict is not feared, as there is confidence that it can be managed. There is a stronger and steadier sense of self which cannot be threatened.

Anger is often viewed as a problem to be controlled, suppressed, or feared. Yet beneath anger there is usually something deeply human: a wish to be respected, understood, protected, or heard.

When we learn to relate to anger in a healthier way, it becomes less about attacking others or abandoning ourselves and more about communicating what truly matters to us. Therapy can provide a safe space to begin that process.