Making friends with anger: listening to what it has to say

Anger is one of the most misunderstood human emotions. Often labelled as “negative” or “bad,” it is something many of us try to avoid, suppress or deny. Yet anger, like all feelings, carries important information. 

It is a natural, necessary response that signals when something doesn’t feel right, for example, when a boundary has been crossed, a need has gone unmet, or an injustice has occurred.

Rather than being the problem, anger is often a messenger. The difficulty lies not in feeling anger, but in how we relate to it and express it.

Learning to fear anger

Many of us grow up without a healthy model for anger. Perhaps we were raised in households where anger was loud, explosive and frightening. Or maybe anger was never openly expressed at all; yet lingered beneath the surface in silence, tension or disapproval. In either case, we may have learned that anger is unsafe, unacceptable, or something to be ashamed of.

As a result, we develop strategies to manage it. Some of us become reactive, quick to lash out when overwhelmed. Others go in the opposite direction, swallowing irritation and frustration, minimising our feelings, or telling ourselves we “shouldn’t” be angry. We might distract, numb or silence ourselves with food, alcohol, overwork or other coping mechanisms.

I recognise this pattern in myself. There was a time when I didn’t consciously register my anger at all. I had learned, somewhere along the way, that it wasn’t acceptable to feel it, so I found ways to contain it.

For me, that often meant using food. Eating became a way to push feelings down, to soothe or distract myself from the discomfort of anger. On the surface, everything looked fine, but underneath, the anger didn’t go away. It built up quietly, until eventually it would come out in ways that felt overwhelming and out of proportion; sudden explosions that left me feeling confused, ashamed, and “too much.”

But anger doesn’t disappear when it’s ignored. It stays in the body as energy. When it isn’t acknowledged, it can build over time, possibly leading to anxiety, depression, resentment or sudden outbursts that feel out of proportion to the situation.

When anger turns inward

For many people, anger feels safer when directed at the self rather than others. Instead of recognising that a boundary has been crossed, we blame ourselves. We tell ourselves we are too sensitive, too demanding, or somehow at fault.

This internalised anger can be deeply harmful. It erodes self-worth and prevents us from recognising our legitimate needs and limits. Learning to redirect anger outward – constructively and safely – can be a powerful step towards self-respect.

Anger as a guide

Looking back, I can see my anger was never the problem. It was trying to get my attention. It was telling me that something mattered – that a boundary had been crossed, or a need hadn’t been met. But because I didn’t yet know how to listen to it or express it safely, it found its own way out. 

When we begin to acknowledge anger rather than fear it, something shifts. We move from being controlled by it to being in a relationship with it.

Anger can help us ask important questions:

• What feels unfair or uncomfortable here?
• What need of mine is not being met?
• Where might a boundary need to be set or reinforced?

Not every situation allows for immediate change. Sometimes we can take direct action – by communicating clearly, making a request, or changing our behaviour. At other times, the situation may be beyond our control or unsafe to challenge directly. In these cases, it is still essential to process the anger rather than suppress it.

The importance of expression

Expressing anger does not mean acting it out destructively. It means allowing the feeling to move through us in a conscious, contained way.

This might involve:

• speaking honestly and assertively
• writing or journaling
• physical release, such as movement or exercise
• creating a personal “anger ritual” that allows the energy to be expressed safely

Attending to anger in this way is a form of self-care. It prevents the feeling from becoming stuck or turning into something more harmful.

The relational dance of anger

In her work on anger in relationships, Harriet Lerner describes anger as part of a “dance” between people. When tension arises, we often fall into familiar patterns: pursuing, withdrawing, blaming or over-functioning. Without awareness, these patterns can escalate conflict or reinforce distance.

Learning to work with anger involves stepping out of these automatic responses. It requires us to stay connected to ourselves while also remaining in relationship with others. This might mean tolerating discomfort, speaking more directly, or resisting the urge to overreact or shut down.

Importantly, Lerner emphasises that clear, calm and thoughtful expressions of anger are more effective than reactive or explosive ones. When we can communicate from a grounded place, we are more likely to be heard – and to create meaningful change.

Taking responsibility for our anger

While we are not responsible for what triggers our anger, we are responsible for how we respond to it.

This includes:

• recognising and naming the feeling
• allowing it to exist without judgment
• choosing how to express it safely
• reflecting on what it is telling us
• deciding what action, if any, is needed

This process takes practice, especially if anger has long been associated with fear, shame or loss of control.

A different relationship with anger

My own relationship with anger has changed over time. What once felt uncomfortable and overwhelming has become something I am more able to recognise, stay with and even value. I have come to see anger as an ally, something that supports me in understanding myself more clearly and in setting boundaries where I need them.

This is also something therapists can support others with: helping people move from fearing their anger to understanding it, working with it, and using it in ways that are constructive rather than harmful.

When we begin to see anger as an ally rather than an enemy, we open the door to greater self-awareness and emotional resilience. Anger can help us clarify our values, strengthen our boundaries and deepen our relationships when it is acknowledged and expressed with care.

Rather than asking “How do I get rid of my anger?”, a more helpful question might be: What is my anger trying to tell me? And how can I listen to it safely and constructively? In learning to hear that message, we move towards a more authentic and empowered way of being.